Dave, a self portrait in words

last night

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 14:08:00 +0000

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 21:25:00 +0000

Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D

up late

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 05:44:00 +0000

up late, lot on my mind tonight, spent an hour or so writing it down, I am not sure weather it helped or not, then a house eppisode makes me cry, perhas I can let enough out to ware me out.. The odd thing is that over all I am really happy.

at least I have another day off :)

Just happy

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:11:00 +0000

Tonight I write, and I am happy. Just happy. I have had so many wonderful things that have happened recently both in my personal life and in my work life. Simple choices, choosing a direction and just pressing forward. Each step is a step closer to a better tomorrow. I am happy with where I am going, and almost happy with who I am as a person. Few more things that I need to work on, but I see a future, and better yet a very happy future, where I smile and enjoy the little things.

it takes such a small change to make a difference, a choice, some kind words, lending a helping hand, even a smile. yesterday, the smell of freshly washed bedding made me smile. Today, I changed my voice mail message so it didn't sound... well so it didn't sound so depressing. LOL

I had a long talk with a friend, that also gave me hope for the future. I am letting the emotion come, and dealing with it when it comes, but for the most part, letting the bad go and holding on to every good moment. It feels good to smile, and I want to keep it up.

I feel the warmth and the happiness again. That means more to me, than anything else.

So many Downer posts.

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:14:00 +0000

I was just brousing through my posts, and realized.. I have to many painful hurt posts. I think I need to really work on posting more when I am happy. Like today... Today, I cried, but I am happy. Sometimes I work so hard to help the people I care about be happy, and now, I am happy to hear that someone I care about is happy and again enjoying their life.

In Life it is SO hard to keep in mind all the good things that have happened to us, it seems so easy to be hurt and remember only that. To feel the horrible feeling over and over agian. I have never really understood it, but it seem it happens to many people. I don't want to be one of those people. By nature I am... or at least I used to be optimistic about everything, finding happieness in the stupitest little thing.

I have found myself in a place where I have changed the basic parts of who I am, for reasons that I do not think are good ones. After making so many mistakes it seems so easy to stand at this place in my journey through life and think. "I am no good at this at all."

This week I have made a commitment to myself. I am going to do my very best to move forward from here, Concentrate on those parts of my life that need work, and one step at a time I am going to focus on making each day of my life a little better than the last.

Eventually I think that I could actually get to a point where I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I have done a good job fixing the broken pieces, and am happy with the direction I am now going." Putting so many things off, relying on to many people for things that I should be dealing with myself. It has been time to set a stake in the ground and say.. HERE... This is as far as I go, I am ready to start climbing out of this hole that I have put myself in.

I know, that I have started this before, and I have repaired some of the really broken stuff. Its time to figure out a way to keep on this track. To make it out of the hole and start back on the journey of life.

Passing thought

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 22:39:00 +0000

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Life and its timing

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 05:06:00 +0000

SO it seems that once again, life has interesting timing. Not more than 12 hours after I finally make the apointment for the Tattoo I have wanted for a long time now... I am reminded in full technicolor and Right in my face, what it means, and why I am getting it.

its his time agian, not forever, but for now, its time for him to play his role and to keep me protected and out from under the things that want to crush me. I know that I will live, that I will move past the part.

Things made more difficult for no good reason, make me sad.

Ugly evening

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:58:00 +0000

it is shaping up to be an ugly evening. I need to sleep, tomarrow
will be better.

At work listening to music

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:50:00 +0000

this came on the ipod, thought I would post it cause... well just because..

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries.
How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave.

If you don’t know if you should stay
If you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just, breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be-
You wanna make a memory.

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing, I don’t wanna ask.

If you go now, I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I got a plan
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You could sing a melody to me
And I could write a couple lines
You wanna make a memory.

If you don’t know if you should stay
And you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just, breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be-
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You could sing a melody to me
And I could write a couple lines
You wanna make a memory
You wanna make a memory

waves of emotion

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:31:00 +0000

Sitting at my desk listening to a collection of carol of the bells of all things. Waves of emotion crashing over me, making me feel as though I could lose it at any moment. I believe this is a good sign that it may be time for me to go to bed.

flipping through music form the past, and the feelings attached to each song, each note. So many good memories, so many horrible hurtful memories. all part of what makes me... me..

Now crying... time for bed....

Another sleepless night

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 05:21:00 +0000

Another night of no sleep. So emotional, crying, stressed out. Tried
to let go today, do stuff for me and let the rest go. It just eats at
me, all the stuff that hurts, I can't seem to let go. I want to stop
hurting, to stop letting this stuff get to me. Maybe that means taking
isolation further.

I send a call out to universe, to anyone listening. I just want to
sleep tonight. Perhaps some alchol.

todays writing

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 23:05:00 +0000

Trying this again, as each time I have started writing, it has turned into something that I could never post here. Suffice to say, its been a long day, but I feel like I got alot of it out, didn't even hurt anyone this time.

Progress, if even in small stepps, is still progress... I Smile, because I need to...

just needed to post this

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:41:00 +0000

I fell into this pit of uglieness in the last couple hours.... this song came on and saved me again... has to post the lyrics

In your life
Thing may not always go right, for you
In those times
Just leave it behind
Cause sometimes you gotta play the game
Just to survive
Without losing yourself
It`s a fight, it`s true
It takes time
Don`t have all the answers
No matter how hard it gets
Hold on to what`s inside

Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

In the dark
The pain chips away at your your heart
So deep
Can`t you see
See the light in the distance
Open up your eye, look, look to the sky
And believe
There`s much more to life when you free
That`s the key
And in time
You will find all the answers
Don`t have to loose your pride
hold on to what`s inside

Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r
Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

Don`t care what they say anymore
There`s no time to be insecure
I leaving it all at the door

She staring at him in the face
She`s taking it day by day
I`m finally on my way

Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

Life lessons seem to have a twist of irony

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 04:45:00 +0000

for so long I was what I would call shy. Never directly speKing out
with what I needed or wanted. Instead I took more of an aproach of, if
it is meant to be it will.

over the years, and through some instrumental people In my life,
slowly, I have learned to collect my thoughts and then how to express
those thoughts to the people with whom they involve..

it seems as thought life lessons, or at least this one is not
without some irony. The more courage and practice I got at it, the
less those thoughts and feelings seemed to matter to the people that i
shared them with.

So now, I move back to where I started, this time, I find myself no
longer sharing by choice, having the ability, but no longer the desire.

It's sad, but at the same time, it is ok. I know now that I am strong,
and that I will make it through anything. I just wish that it could
again be more than "making it through" I cannot trully complain, I
have experienced this, and I know many have not, but I still miss it

And with that, I think it is time for bed..

Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 03:36:00 +0000

Back from my trip to California for my cousin randy's wedding. It was
actually really neat, I did my best to keep upbeat about the whole
thing, again it was nice to be able to take grandma, seems like it
helped everyone. That made me feel good that I could help

Some random thoughts tonight.

Thangs said, cannot be un-said. Things done, cannot be undone. But if
we learn from the things both said And done, we have an oppertunity to
make tomarrow and thus the future better.

Feeling lonely tonight, wondering what things will come from this new
direction. I think it was eaiser in some ways to not knowing some
things.... Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

-D

Randomness

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 09:29:00 +0000

So close, can't quit touch. Somthing simple said, leaving behind such
a large wound. Still awake at 2am, nothing left to do, but let time
pass... Hoping tomarrow will bring clarity, closure, a smile, a tear....

Feeling alone tonight, empty on the inside, wishing there was a warm
body to hold, to be heald by, to cry and be told it would be ok.
Wishing I had some visiability into the future.

-D

Poem that really got to me

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:02:00 +0000

I found this poem, and it just really got to me. (thank you Mitch for posting it)

Does It Matter?

My parents asked me if I am gay
I said, "Does it matter?"
They said, "No, not really."
I told them, "Yes."
They said, "Get out of our lives."
I guess it mattered.

My boss asked me if I am gay.
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "No, not really."
I told him, "Yes."
He said, "You're fired, faggot."
I guess it mattered.

My friend asked me if I am gay.
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "No, not really."
I told him, "Yes."
He said, "Don't call me your friend."
I guess it mattered.

My partner asked, "Do you love me?"
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "Yes."
I told him, "I love you."
He said, "Let me hold you in my arms."
For the first time in my life something matters.

My God asked, "Do you love yourself?"
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "Yes."
I asked, "How can I love myself? I am gay."
He said, "That's the way I made you."
Nothing again will ever matter.

--Author Unknown

my duality

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:28:00 +0000

been thinking about the recent changes I have made in my life. I have been thinking about the duality in my life, this reminder of both who I am and the symbol of control in my life.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't already know me, the internal battle to keep balance between the wild, protective, fighter, and the gentle loving, passivist.

I wear this symbol to remind me that there is a time and a place for everything. To remind me that though there may be a better way to do something it's not always my responsibility to bring it up or make it happen.

Moving forward I choose to be happy. I choose to take my life and enjoy it.

How Lucky am I.

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:23:00 +0000

Quote from a movie:

"do I love him? I adore him, hes my comfortable afgan, hes all I can think about, everything he is. everythign he says. everythign he does, to me, for me, with me, sweet kisses, he makes up for all the greif and pain I have ever had. in the dark of the night he is there."

How lucky am I to have gotten the chance to experience this. With so much pain and hate in the world. To know that it is possible, to find somthing so good, so wonderfull. Somthing that totally overpowers all the crap, and makes it not matter. I have also learned, that I can continue to love those people that mean the most to me, even if things have changed, and they may not feel the same.

This is enough to find the motivation to now move on, on my own, stronger, and ready for the next wonderful thing to come into my life.

Everything happens for a reason

Random song lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:05:00 +0000

cleaning the house, listening to music, and I heard some really positive song lyrics.

so many times you did not bring this on your self, when that moment finally comes, I'll be there to help.

when you simply need a place to make your bed, right here underneath my wing, you can rest your head.

hope and pray that you never need me, but rest assured I will not let you down.I walk beside you but you may not see Me, the strongest among us may not wear a crown.

on that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear, I will be right here.

Mistakes

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:10:00 +0000

I have made so many mistakes in my life.. It's hard to continue making choices knowing my track record. Wish that it was eaiser to "move on" that I didn't get so "attached" so easly.

I am so lost, I need to figure out who I am. I know what I want, and what I need. But none of that seems to matter, as I do not have control.

I am me, one day at a time, I will survive, just wish I knew how it was all gonna work out.

lost

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 07:38:00 +0000

feeling a little lost tonight, trying to sleep. Wishing that sometimes life was a little eaiser, that direction was eaiser to find.

My new goal that seems to be working is to just laugh at everything that I can, to let go of everything I can't laugh at, and just let it be what it will be.

tomarrow is a new day, full of new adventure, and could change my life forever...

Got to have hope.

Poetetic thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 19 May 2009 08:11:00 +0000

I lay in bed,
Siclence; It fills my head,
Takes my mind,
To a simpler time,
A time when Things made sence
A time before This fence
Built to keep me safe,
Built to keep me Alone.

I think about life now
Ponder it's meaning
How I will live from here
When my last day will be
Wonder what will happen on that day.
What I might see.

Will I touch the sky,
CoUld I fly that high?
Or will I fall?
Into the depths below

I can't know
Not until I go.
I can't guess
Even when pressed
To konw what is on the otherside
To unhide before I go,
Would be more than I could ever show

Evening thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Wed, 13 May 2009 06:10:00 +0000

I have a roomate to whom I can bare my soul and have him not
remember in the morning. At the moment it seems like a good thing...
Then the next day, it as though none of it ever happened, and it hurts.

So many things I am feeling tonight. I want to be able to express them
All in words, but unfortunatly, the words just arnt coming tonight.

What do I need? What do I want? How much time do I actually have to
achieve either. Tonight I feel alone, I know I am not, but it feels
that way.

The need to get away now fueled by the reasons that I didn't. I wish
there was an easy answer, I wish I could cry tonight. The tears also
will not come.

I wish the answer was eaiser.

picture that caught me off gaurd in a good way

noreply@blogger.com (Dave) — Tue, 05 May 2009 07:53:00 +0000

As I was sitting here piddeling with my iPhone (yes I found it) I ran across a picture, I had not seen in about a year... it gave me chills, followed by the biggest goofy smile, as I thought.. There.. in that picture... in that moment... I was happy...

The fact of the matter is not when or where that picture was taken, just that it was and that was how I felt at that moment. would love to have more times like that...

smile as i go to bed... heres to hoping