last night

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

lost in my head

sometimes its not possible to see the way things will work out. sometimes things happen that take your breath away, that knock the wind out of your sails. but even at these times, there can be clarity, there can be explanations for things that didn't quite seem to make sense. Sometimes when you stop asking why is when you get your answer.

Tonight I hurt, seeing now more of the picture. Its hard to see how this could be ok again, but also knowing that its not something I have control over, I might be able to set some rough direction but I will not be able to see how this will be ok, it will just be one day. it is my job to hold myself together until it does, *irony* "to be strong" (seemed so easy before now) until enough time passes, until I have reached that higher ground.

one step at a time, one moment at a time. learn from these lessons, try to stay as open as possible. see the good in everything, remember that wonder of the world that I used to be so good at.

I wish it could be different, it can't, not right now. but I truly wish that it could he, and I am truly sorry for the decisions that I made. but all I can do is learn from those and not make the same mistakes again.

thoguhts on sex vs. intimate phisical contact

so I had an experience today, and it brought a lot of things to the surface for me. I had someone that I have known for a very long time make lude comments about having sexual contact with me. they were quite graphic. This is someone I have known since about the time I came out, in fact I think I may have met them that first night at bowling. I would also say that I find this person attractive. Most in the gay world would think to say something like, "well then whats the issue?"

What I really think it comes down to is that I am not near as sexual as I would like to think that I am. Its more about a bond, one of the most special that people can share. I would like to think that I have the ability to think of sex as just something people do, but in reality, I hold a really special place for any intimate contact in my life. I think that is why I have had a limited amount.

not sure why i felt I should put this in writing, just something that really upset me when it happens and I needed to figure out why.