Simpely being loved

Listening to a dance song, its title "Simply Being Loved" thought about about that for a minute, as I was listening. seems simple. Being loved.... So many people... myself included... find it such a difficult thing. To be loved that is. I have spent many hours thinking about the how's and why's that is the case, I seem to always come back to I just don't know.



Its not that I have never felt that I have been loved, because I have. Maybe its a self worth thing, maybe its just because of how I see my self, maybe it has to do with experiences I have had in my childhood.



I wonder how many other people in the world also feel the way I do, either consciously or unconsciously. my bet is far more than one might think at the surface of the thought.



The simple feeling of being loved. Are we afraid of the hurt that may come if that love were to go away? Logically I can think about it and know that it is part of the process. that has never made it any easier. As humans we seem intent on hurting each other mentally or physically in order to make ourselves feel somehow better, bigger, stronger.



Sad, how much better the world could be if everyone took that same energy and used it to help others, to make them feel better about themselves, to encourage them. Many times I have wished that I did not have thoughts like this. Seems like it would be so much easier to go through life with no thoughts or feelings of my own.



It does not take much for me to feel the pain that someone goes through, to picture how they see the world, how they feel about the things that surround them. Sometimes it is very much a blessing, more and more lately... it is really hard to see, and feel what people go through on a day to day basis, and not try and think of some way I can make it better. Just one person, and I can't save the world. That does not mean that I don't want to, that I don't want to make things better for everyone, especially those I care the most about.



" So little time so little time to work it on out, I feel I'm stumbling in the dark. I praying for love, love love.. is more than enough.. simply being loved loved loved, is more than enough"



I think I would have to agree.....

-D

Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D

up late

up late, lot on my mind tonight, spent an hour or so writing it down, I am not sure weather it helped or not, then a house eppisode makes me cry, perhas I can let enough out to ware me out.. The odd thing is that over all I am really happy.

at least I have another day off :)

Passing thought

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Life and its timing

SO it seems that once again, life has interesting timing. Not more than 12 hours after I finally make the apointment for the Tattoo I have wanted for a long time now... I am reminded in full technicolor and Right in my face, what it means, and why I am getting it.

its his time agian, not forever, but for now, its time for him to play his role and to keep me protected and out from under the things that want to crush me. I know that I will live, that I will move past the part.

Things made more difficult for no good reason, make me sad.

todays writing

Trying this again, as each time I have started writing, it has turned into something that I could never post here. Suffice to say, its been a long day, but I feel like I got alot of it out, didn't even hurt anyone this time.

Progress, if even in small stepps, is still progress... I Smile, because I need to...

Life lessons seem to have a twist of irony

for so long I was what I would call shy. Never directly speKing out
with what I needed or wanted. Instead I took more of an aproach of, if
it is meant to be it will.

over the years, and through some instrumental people In my life,
slowly, I have learned to collect my thoughts and then how to express
those thoughts to the people with whom they involve..

it seems as thought life lessons, or at least this one is not
without some irony. The more courage and practice I got at it, the
less those thoughts and feelings seemed to matter to the people that i
shared them with.

So now, I move back to where I started, this time, I find myself no
longer sharing by choice, having the ability, but no longer the desire.

It's sad, but at the same time, it is ok. I know now that I am strong,
and that I will make it through anything. I just wish that it could
again be more than "making it through" I cannot trully complain, I
have experienced this, and I know many have not, but I still miss it

And with that, I think it is time for bed..

lost

feeling a little lost tonight, trying to sleep. Wishing that sometimes life was a little eaiser, that direction was eaiser to find.

My new goal that seems to be working is to just laugh at everything that I can, to let go of everything I can't laugh at, and just let it be what it will be.

tomarrow is a new day, full of new adventure, and could change my life forever...

Got to have hope.

fear that I may be fooling myself

Tonight, i have started to doubt the things that have kept me going recently. I want to cry. I feel like there is no reason to go on. I feel like the things that are so important to me, are not real, like I am once again fooling myself. That i am one of the few people that actually means what I say. I hate feeling useless. Why can't this be simpler? why can't people just say what they mean? Why do I choose to share when I have those thoughts that will just get me hurt again.

I wonder how I might get to sleep tonight, I am ready for this part of my life to be over. I am ready to stop being hurt, over and over again.

I am done tonight... I just need to pass out... wheres my hammer??

my side of the bed

tonight I realized that I sleep only on a certin side of the bed. and I realize its because that other side has not been "my side" its a symbol of the missing part of my life. just a random thought I guess, thought I would write it down.

Its weird

Its weird the things that make you remember things, and how you feel about those things that you remember. I just read the profile of A friend of mine, he talks about his past and his move back to califorina. I remember how we met, and where I was the first time he moved to califorina.

I think about how different my outlook on life was, how I looked and felt about things.

I look back at my time in Kentucky, who I was and the journey of self exploration that I was on then.

I compare that to now, I know most of the things I like And don't like. I still learn somthing new every day, but I am far less concerned with what people think of me as a whole. I am much concrned about how i feel about me and enjoying whatever time I have left in the world.

Life is so fleeting, so much time I spent trying to get to that next goal that next thing that we want, we forget to enjoy the now. Recently I have been amle to take a step back, take some me time, and realize that I am done killing myself for someone else. I am going to enjoy whatever I can, and when I am with that person I am supposed to be with, I Will enjoy that time to. Right now, I am ok with who and what I am, and I am going to make sure I spend enough time on me and being happy, so that I can make it through the dark times, and still be happy.

Sending positive energy into the universe as much as I can, being a positive influance and changing my world one person at a time.

-D

in the city, in the dark

as I lay here in the dark, in my hotel room. I look out at the city lights, i wonder what could possibly be next in my life. just since I have been here in my room, I have been happy, randomly cried, and been depressed (mostly by the news was better when I turned off the TV)

Tonight I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. just to be away, if even for just a little while. It is looking more and more like I am not going to be able to go home till after the weekend. That kinda bums me, but at the same time I am having trouble caring, or seeing that it really matters at all. I hope tomarrow will be better, today was ok, had some good highlights just supper emotional.

Started a facebook page today... that has been interesting... saw my friend raul on there from high school, brought back lots of memories, sent him a message we will see what happens.

maybe its time to just unplug for the evening, listen to some music.

numb

when I started thinking about his post, I wanted to say that I just didn't care, thats not really true though. Its more than I am just numb. I have seen things recently that I never thought I would see, I have experienced things that I never thought I would or could experiece, I have come through the other side, and here I am. At some point I am sure I will think that I am better for it, that the experience has made me better in some way, but for now... I am just numb, right now

Going to SF tomarrow, wish I could say that I was looking forward to it. At lease it will be nice to get away for a while, my co-worker is a really good time to hang out with, and she said that we HAVE to go ut at least one night we are there. so I guess we will see.

I still hope that the next wonderful chapter in my life is just around the corner, I just wish that I could skip this particular part. My thoughts are on my family, I hope and prey that my dad comes around, my friends I hope they are all finding happieness, the world, I hope that things turn around, and hope returns to a world that has become mired in negativity and unhappieness.

life, hate, and the world

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking about the the world, and how much hate there is in it. I wonder how it got this way, how people will honk at someone who pulls over to help someone who has gotten in a accident, how someone can hate someone for reasons that have no baring on them at all.

I have started having very vivid disturbing dreams, about hate, and death, and all the uglieness in the world. I remember a time when it used to be so much eiser to just be upbeat, to ignore all the bad in the world.

I think alot of how I feel comes from being beat up by life the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that things will turn around. they will calm down, And maybe now... maybe thats the direction things are heading.

I am trying very hard to let the things I don't have control of go, and embrace the things in my life that are good, and that I should be thankful for. I have to hope that now is that time, the time that things will stabilize, and I can work on finding even more good things.

here is to keeping my fingers crossed once again.
-T

there are no words

there are no words that truly express how I am feeling, so lost, so much like a failure, ready for things to turn around. I want to be happy again, I want to stop hurting. its been a very very long day and I am ready for it to be over...

a positive update

so I have noticed it has been a long time since I have updated this. it seems to me that I don't write here unless things are bad, or I feel the need to complain/bitch, not when things are good. well lately, overall, things have been really good. This may be why I didn't write here. Fear of it ending, or fear of my happiness causing someone else to be upset or hurt. it really is the truth, the last 2 days I have had some very distinct fears, I think that fear is natural, and I hope that my fears are unfounded, and I have chosen to start talking about my fears instead of keeping them to myself.


the holidays were very good for me, filled with smiles and happiness, a few things that have been tough, but I have been very good keeping on the positive side of things, especially considering all the challenges that I have been given recently.


I again feel like I am at a transitional point in my life, i have been very satisfied with how the majority things have been going, there are exceptions of course but overall the direction I am going feels right. I feel that the next couple of weeks will either show a continuation of that, or will shake things up once again. if I look WAY forward, I see the potentially for the happiest times of my life, I will settle for nothing less. I will not wallow, I will not dwell in the sad things anymore, no matter what happens, I will be this person I have rediscovered, I refuse to go back, and I refuse to suffer by my own hand anymore.


I think about the past still, I think a lot about what might happen now, and in the future, I still have fears, but I cannot let them control me, I want so badly keep this person I am rediscovering, I can't let my fear drive me into hiding again, and I won't. I am no longer allowing myself to get swept up in the emotion of every little thing that comes up. There will always be times where I break down and cry over everything that has happened, especially in the last year. I feel that I have cried, been depressed enough. I know what I need, I have expressed what I need. I plan to do everything in my power to both hold onto what I need, and provide what the people who mean the most to me need as well, at least the best that I can without hurting myself anymore, I just can't do that anymore.

cold case song

watching cold case while am on the couch feeling like I am dieing... and I hear this song at the end of the eppisode. thought I would put it down here.


Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe We're in heaven.

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

Now, nothing could change what you mean to me.
There's a lot that I could say But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way.

Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

Now our dreams are coming true.
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you.

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

I voted today.

well today I did it, I voted for the first time in my life. I finally feel like I need to contribute to the greater good to do my part and be part of the future of the world...

morning thoughts

I woke up this morning with a really upset stomach, I spent some time trying to get back to sleep, then I decided to turn on some music which I had done in the last several days. I think it was because I didn't want any chance of being reminded of all the stuff I didn't want to think about anymore. I normally would turn on music and then go to sleep, and the last couple days I have just felt that I couldn't.

Well I turned it on, and the following song was the first to play, I have written about it in these pages before, but right now. I had to post it again. Its rare that I find a song that has a positive message, and one that seems to apply to the feelings that I have right now.


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

diseney land trip thoughts

So I have been thinking about it, and I think that I am ready to write my thoughts on disneyland. This year.... I had a really good time. on top of that, there was no real drama. seems really odd for me to say that, because it seemed like the two always went hand in hand.

This year I also had to make some really tough decisions, decisions that in a earlier time I would have just avoided. This last week I went through alot of, stuff. there is no real blame for anyone or any one thing as to why, but by the end of the week I felt like I had gotten crontrol of it and I was ready to go to disneyland and have a good time. This is a really important time for me, and somthing that I have decided is important to me, and that I need to do for me.

It makes me sad that I feel like I had to hurt someone I care about it to achieve my goals, but I truly believe that with everything else going on, the way things worked out was better for everyone involved, and yes I know that seems like i am making decisions for other people, but really this decision was for me, and my happieness. I feel like I don't give enough credit to that most times.

I met some new people this weekend, I got to catch up with people I don't get to talk to much that have had such a huge impact on my life, I got to smile and laugh, and just be happy. close to "the old dave" the one I miss so much. The weather was wonderful, it felt good to just be ok with everything again. its been so long.

laying here in bed, I can say. this weekend has been really nice, and coming home with an extra day off was very much worth it. I feel like I have made sugnificant progress on me, and now I can make a plan for my future, starting with smaller goals again, getting back into the swing of how the whole process works. I feel like I again have hope for the future, no matter what it might hold for me. I am starting to feel that sence of energy, of hope, of happieness just because coming back to me.

I have had been blessed to have so much love in my life, i need to remember that, I need to remember all the positives in my life all the good things. there are so many people in my life that care about me, people that mean so much to me... I just need to make sure I don't forget that, espically in the dark times.

early morning song

laying in bed listenging to music and I heard this and it really made me think...

"cause getting your dreams its strange but it seems a little... well complicated... theres a kinda a sorta of cost, theres a couple of things get lost... there are bridges you cross you didn't know you cross untill you cross. and if that joy that thrill doesn't thrill like you think it will, still with this perfect finally the cheers and the ballyhoo who wouldn't be happier, so I couldn't be happier, because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.... well isn't it...... happy is what happens when your dreams come true..."

just somthing I wanted to put in here so that I can remember, that once again, sometimes getting what you want isn't always what you need, even if you believe with all your heart that it is.

bed time

ya I said it, and yes it is 8:30. just laying in bed thinking about everything that has happend, and hoping that the new hurt is over, that no matter what the decision, we can move on, and live life again.... I am sending out every ounce of positive, happy, loving energy out to you both.

I am hoping we can all be ok moving forward.... positive thoughts, positive energy, positive actions.... I love you guys....

Laying in bed in montana

So I am laying here going over everything that has happened. All the
adventure, all the interesting things.

I have to wonder if this is how it was always planned to be. That
everything happens for a reason when it is supposed to.

There is definatly no way I could have predicted this course of events
but as I lay here listening to music, the bedroom window open wind
gently blowing outside, I am smileing, excited again about what is
ahead of me and what could be just around the corner.

Today I am happy.. Family, friends, and a positive attitude.. It's an
intoxicating combination.

well I am here, on my adventure

I am here... at my parents house... http://tinyurl.com/6hdrzd I am not 100% sure how this is going to go, but I am hoping for the best, there is still alot I am dealing with mentally... but hopefully I can take a break from that and enoy my time here... guess we shall see

More writing

I have decided I really need to write more, and more about the good things in life, ya there is always bad stuff to talk about, but why not write about the good stuff, the things that make me smile.. Sprocket looking at me from outside licking the window, as if to say. "Come out and play with me daddy." He sure has been a trooper lately, I think that pets know. That they sense when you need them the most and just turn it up in just the right ways.

Spent a lot of time with friends today, something that I don't write about enough. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to have the group of friends that I do, always a good time, always willing to do something... whatever that might be.

My roommate had a little crisis today, and I was able to help him out, that kinda made me smile, its seems like so long since I felt like I could do something really positive for someone else. Today, I think I was able to do that a couple times, so it made me smile.

Tomorrow I hope to have another post, hopefully with pictures, but we will see how that goes.

lost in my head

sometimes its not possible to see the way things will work out. sometimes things happen that take your breath away, that knock the wind out of your sails. but even at these times, there can be clarity, there can be explanations for things that didn't quite seem to make sense. Sometimes when you stop asking why is when you get your answer.

Tonight I hurt, seeing now more of the picture. Its hard to see how this could be ok again, but also knowing that its not something I have control over, I might be able to set some rough direction but I will not be able to see how this will be ok, it will just be one day. it is my job to hold myself together until it does, *irony* "to be strong" (seemed so easy before now) until enough time passes, until I have reached that higher ground.

one step at a time, one moment at a time. learn from these lessons, try to stay as open as possible. see the good in everything, remember that wonder of the world that I used to be so good at.

I wish it could be different, it can't, not right now. but I truly wish that it could he, and I am truly sorry for the decisions that I made. but all I can do is learn from those and not make the same mistakes again.

lot on my mind tonight, up late

So I am awake, not really tired, not really interested in going to sleep. seem to have alot of thoughts on my mind tonight. I wish that they were new thoughts. I wish that I didn't have to keep reliving some mistakes. Maybe if I learned the first time, I could not make them again.

Thought alot about being told "You always have to be right." The more I think about it the more I see that he is right, I guess I always have had to be. have to think about what that means, how it could change, or if it should change.

Not really looking forward to getting up and going to work tomarrow, but I guess thats part of the process. will game for a little while long, then will go to bed.

Things happen for a reason

Yesterday was bad, in fact, I put wrote the lyrics of a song that played as I laid down last night in a blog message. ya... yesterday was bad. I have had so many random thoughts lately. To me it often seems like when I am at my most lost, when I am at my most confused. Something happens to pull me out of it. I would like to think it has much to do with the promise I made oh so many years ago now, in that tiny room, on that twin bed. (as Sash stay comes on the ipod.... Dam Ipod) The promise that I would never again make it to that point that I did that night, the darkest most evil place I have ever been. When there was only one person on the planet that could have saved me, who did save me. Through all the BS, all the tears, all the happiness. This one truth will always remain. I would not be standing here as I am now, if I had not had that hand to reach out to in my absolute darkest hour.

Yesterday I made it through the day, and was able to pass out and wake up with the attitude of "Today has to be better, it cannot even be the same, it MUST be better" I have had many fears about the thoughts and feelings that I have been having, that I am slipping back into a "we will see what happenes mentality" I had been thinking I could not let this happen, but felt guilty about everything that was wrapped up in that. About 20 minutes ago, I got the sign that I had been looking for. That my decisions to move forward, that I needed to pick myself up and make things better on my own was the correct decision, it was the way back to the "right path"

I am still very much broken, I have made considerable progress in the last few months, but in all reality there are still goals I need to reach. Things that I need to accomplish. I need to finish finding me. Being happy with who I am, before I can think about anything else.

The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
about things we've gone through
though its hurting me,
now its history,

i've played all my cards
and thats what you've done too
nothing more to say
no more ace to play

the winner takes it all
the looser standing small
beside the victory
thats her destiny

i was in your arms
thinking I belonged there
i figured it made sense

building me a fence
building me a home
thinking I'd be strong there

but I was a fool
playing by the rules

the gods may throw the dice
their minds as cold as ice
and someone way down here
looses someone dear

the winner takes it all
the looser has to fall
its simple and its plain
why should I complain

tell me does she kiss
like I used to kiss you
does it feel the same
when she calls your name

somewhere deep inside
you must know I miss you
but what can I say
rules must be obeyed

the judges will decide
the likes of me abide
spectators at the show
always staying low

the game is on again
lover or a friend
admitting I was small
the winner takes it all

i don't want to talk
cause it makes me feel sad
and I understand
you've come to shake my hand

i apologize
if it makes you feel bad
seeing me so tense
no self confidence

but you see
the winner takes it all
the winner takes it all
the game is on again
a lover or a friend
admitting I am small
the winner takes it all

the winner.... takes it all.....

Mom's visit

So after the wedding, my mom and I drove down to AZ so that she could visit for a couple days. it was the first time she got to see my house as well. I just wanted to write a quick blog since she just left. having her here and getting to spend the last 5 days or so with her, really made me realize how much I miss her and my dad both. I truly enjoyed myself while she was here.

I am also glad I was able to introduce her to several of my closest friends, and that they got a chance to meet her. all these people I would talk about she was finally able to put faces with names.

weddings

Today concluded my first traditional wedding... I know now why I may not have ever really gone to one before. I feel like I avoided them, but never really understood why.

A little background, this was my cousins wedding. it was big and beautiful, she and her now husband are of the catholic faith. I think this fact alone requires that it be a large wedding, filled with family and friends.

I think I did pretty well for a while, it was when they stood in front of us all and spoke the vous that they had written for each other and I looked around to see people's eyes watering. This is when I had to start fighting back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful thing, but also because I started to realize that no matter how many things changed in the world, I am not sure that I could ever ask family to come together like this for me and someone that I cared about.

It could be because it seems wrong, maybe its because marriage has just been drilled into my head as one woman and one man. no matter what the reason it struck very deep with me, and set me into a dark quiet place, where I just wanted to think.

After the ceremony there was a 40 minutes drive to the reception, where there was going to be an open bar for an hour. (this sounded just fine to me, I could use a drink) We arrived at the restaurant Hs. Lordships, which was on the Berkley peer, and looked over the bay with a view of San Fransisco. The resturant was older, and until this point all I knew about it was that grandma remembered they had brought her a chilled the last time she had eaten here with grandpa.

I escorted mom through the restaurant and into the downstairs bar (apparently there were several) we socialized with the family and a couple people who seemed just like random passers by. My uncle Mark was there with is Partner of 10 years, Rick. I always smile when I see them, they are so good together.

My uncle asked me if I would like anything to drink, I said yes and walked with him to the bar. I didn't even have to think about what I wanted, "ya I will have a margarita, blended, with salt please" I was a little strung out at this point and the alcohol would help keep me calm.

We were downstairs for about 45 minutes before they were ready for us. My mom had 3 mi-tai's in that time, and later said "I only drink like this at weddings" which really hurt, because I felt that it could very well be because she thought she may never get to go to a wedding for either of her children.

The night progressed, I stayed pretty quiet, at one point being told "I looked like the security of the party" but I will cover that in another post. I took as many pictures and movies as I felt I could, posed for anyone my mom wanted to take pictures with and made sure that I was there for her as much as possible. She ended up haveing a few more drinks and was quite happy, but I think she had a good time and that is what matters most to me.

I have let this post get a little out of control so I am going to close it up, at the end of the evening, I took mom and grandma home, the drive was quiet. and not I am here left with my thoughts, and how I will work this into my life. it was a really good night but also had tones of deep thought, and some sorrow. I know its not his thing, and that he is still recovering, but I really wish dad could have been here too.

With that, I am going to sign off for the night.


, and that what I was watching would never be me. No matter how much I wanted it.

The protector

Tonight one of my cousins mentioned that I looked like the security of
the party.. That got me to thinking. At that moment I was making sure mom
got to and from the restroom safely. It occurred that this is a role
that I tend to fall into fairly easly.

Further i think I step into it because I feel I need to. Like it is my
purpose, having the size to be a natural protector. Maybe I should do
security on the side..

Colection of famous quotes

I am here getting ready to go to San Fransisco, been cleaning and packing. came my collection of quotes that mean something to me, and thought I would post a couple here.





I've arrived at this outermost edge of my life by my own actions. Where "I am" is thoroughly unacceptable. Therefore, I must stop doing what I've been doing.
Alice Koller, An Unknown Woman, 1982

halfway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.
Poet Dante

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol


It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon, M.D.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.
Martha Beck, O Magazine, Growing Wings, January 2004

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.
Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)


The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)


To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974


All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox, O Magazine, February 2004


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862), Journal, July 25, 1839

in late

So I came into work tonight, it was just easier, had some issues with some software that I was working with at home, and was not able to fix it there. I also have a head full of junk rumbling around and just needed to get away from the house.

I feel like I have been pretty productive tonight, at least as far as work goes. I think its time to spend some energy picking up some stuff I have neglected though, I think I may try and do that after work tomorrow... well today technically I guess.

At least I got done what I had planned to get done for work. I may do this more often, its really quiet here and I enjoy the time alone.. the house seems to be kinda full lately.. well more later I suppose

I'm spinnin, I'm spinnin

Went to my first spinning class yesterday, which for those who don't know is basically an instruster lead stationary bike class. best word I can use to describe it is intense. I sweat more there than I may ever have. It was a good time and I think that I will go again, but WOW what a workout.

I think I have made some really good progress on my goal to lose a bunch of weight, I am now within 10 lbs of my initial goal, once I reach that I think I will set new goals of putting on some of the good kind of mass, I don't want to go crazy, but I want a little meat on my bones.

I think thats about it.

more later
-D

blog back up

some of you noticed that my blog went off-line for a little while. the reasons why don't really matter, and there are now a few recent posts missing. if I find the energy I will re-write them. The long and the short of it is this, I write here because it helps me. to figure out my thoughts, to know who I am, to remember and to release. If you don't like it.... Don't read it.

Thanks to those who reached out and talked to me about why it was down.. it is appreciated.

-D

hidden in plain sight

I often thought how interesting it was for something to hide in plain site, and even more interesting how someone like me who; lets face it kinda sticks out. Could blend into the background, almost not even be there. so much in just this thought. So much I can't quite put into words. So much emotion wrapped up in a really small statement.

I have done a lot of thinking about how much I share, to whom, and when. There are times, where I feel like it is just better to be there. To let someone enjoy being happy, enjoy the moment. No need to bing the crap I am dealing with up. there will be a time, to share, time to be open. Now is not that time, now is the time to smile and be happy for the people I care about, let them enjoy their moment. I know that people who care about me want to help. sometimes they just can't I don't know why this stuff comes over me, how could I expect anyone to understand? It passes and then I am better again. I think a lot of it comes from how much energy I spend when I am with people, I feel its my duty to make sure everyone has a good time. Right, wrong, or crazy, its just how I am.

Whats the answer? Whats the question? so much on my mind, I suppose I should go float in the pool and just think.. a little sensory deprivation...

song during my workout.

Well I was movin at the speed of sound
Head spinnin couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was goin' down Yeahh, Yeahh
Where I been, well its all a blurr
What I was lookin' for, I'm not sure
Too late and didn't see it coming Yeahh,
Yeahh

Then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Some how I couldn't stop myself
Just wanted to know how it felt
Too strong I couldn't hold on Yeahh, Yeahh
Now I'm just tryin to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened
Where were headed, there's just no knowin Yeahh, Yeahh

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

From your face, your eyes
are burning into me
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need
ohh, just what I need

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Then I crashed into you (x5)
Like a runaway train
You will consume me
But I can't walk away






I cried, composed myself and went out and worked out till I was totally broke down, mentally and phisically. I feel better now

thoguhts on sex vs. intimate phisical contact

so I had an experience today, and it brought a lot of things to the surface for me. I had someone that I have known for a very long time make lude comments about having sexual contact with me. they were quite graphic. This is someone I have known since about the time I came out, in fact I think I may have met them that first night at bowling. I would also say that I find this person attractive. Most in the gay world would think to say something like, "well then whats the issue?"

What I really think it comes down to is that I am not near as sexual as I would like to think that I am. Its more about a bond, one of the most special that people can share. I would like to think that I have the ability to think of sex as just something people do, but in reality, I hold a really special place for any intimate contact in my life. I think that is why I have had a limited amount.

not sure why i felt I should put this in writing, just something that really upset me when it happens and I needed to figure out why.

Ripples across the pond

This has been said to death I know. Life goes by so fast, I look back and wonder where the last 10 years went, seems like just a blink of an eye. Along the way, we make choices, ones that seem small at the time. but even the smallest stone into a pond makes ripples that echo across the water. Makes me wonder what the next 10 will bring, how many years are left.

I think back on my past, and it seems I spent a lot of time in my life helping people be happy, being there for the ones I hold the closest, sometimes to just be an ear, sometimes to be that goofy fuy that you can't help but laugh at. makes me wonder if when I need someone there will be someone there for me.

I used to wonder if people thought about life and how to make this a better place to live like I did. I understand now that a lot of people don't get much outside of themselves. I think that is sad, So much wonder can be found in people, their thoughts, and human nature. I feel like when I talk to someone, I feel their pain, their happinesses, like I lived the experience. I am coming to the understanding that this is a rare thing, that most people hear, but don't listen.

I think about all the people that have touched my life just by being there, I think that this is a big part of the meaning of life. the connections we make with people in our lifes, The smiles, the tears, the fights, the laughs. When they go, these are all the things that make that one person special, how they touched the people in their lives, and in rare cases bring together people who might not have ever otherwise met. I look back on my life and I think that is one thing I am truly lucky for, being able to have as many special people in my life as I have. The memories I have created that I hope I can hold onto for the remainder of my lifetime. I hope that when my time is up those special people will say that I made some sort of impact on their life like I know they have mine.

Powerfull song

just sitting here working, and this song came onto my i-pod. I thought about it, listened again, looked up the words, cried and though. "I should post this for later."


Because of you Kelly Clarkson and Reba

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

words and their meanings

this morning has already been a challenge, lots of random thought going through my head. Thinking about decisions I need to make and how I am going to be able to make them, if I am going to be able to make them. So as usuall I have music turned on, and on comes this song I heard 1000 times listened to the words, but today somehow it was different. Maybe it was my mood, maybe it was just timing, but it really struck me to my core.

"don't dream to far, don't loose site of who you are"
"Every so offen we long to steal to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soffen the ach we feel when reality sets back in."
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and the perl."

I felt I needed to post this somthing to reflect on later.

Daughtry

I felt I should make this a separate entry, it seemed the best idea. I had heard most of Chris Daughtry's music before the state fair last year. but for some reason I never put together who he was when I went to see his concert. I then received his CD for Christmas, and as I sit here listening to his music, It has hit me, that this is EXACTLY what I have been needing to listening to. I randomly picked one of the the songs off the album and listened to it tonight, and actually listened to the words...

I am so glad that I have things like this that I can get lost in, things to drown out the sounds of the world, away from the rush, away from anger, the evil the coldness of the world. No matter what happens, I know that this one place I can retreat and know I will be safe, that I can just let go, let down all my defenses.

I think on this note its time for me to go to bed.

late night thoughts

Ok, not as late as some of the ones I have had, but still. so I came into the office tonight, angry and frustrated. I know it was over something stupid. When I stopped and thought about it, I heard those voices from the past reminding me how I was once on the receiving end of the same thought. To forget about this and move on to a better mood so that I could go to bed, I cranked up some music from the past. I then proceeded to poke around on the internet, never a good thing for me to do when I am in this kind of mood.

Tonight, I read a profile of someone online that really intrigued me, someone who claimed they were a white night and wore their armor proudly, I was pretty sure I know this person, and debated weather I should send this person a message. I did, and got no response.

I then continued to poke around on the internet, found myself on my space, reading the site of someone who I would now consider a friend from work. We had a long talk the other day about life, the loss of innocence, and how there doesn't seem to be any moral people in the world anymore, this lead into discussions of what morality was, and how it is inturperted by different people.

I realized after that conversation that it is rare that I find someone that even thinks about these things. We have become a socity that just races from one drama filled moment to the next, there doesn't seem to be much that is truly special anymore, or any time spent marveling at the truly simple pleasures. He spoke of not feeling special in his relationship, my heart went out to him, but what do you say to someone in that position? "no really you are special in your relationship...." chances are good that not many people he will be around will even think about things like this, let alone understand where he is coming from, and that he may not be special in the way that he should be with is GF. I saw me, when I first moved away from home. The thought of meeting that one person you would spend the rest of your life with, I felt so bad for him, I know how that can feel and it is not somthing that you can prepare for, or even defend against. Its cuts quick and it cuts deep.

This person also has a twin brother, and the more I get to know one it is starting to seem that they are two sides of the same coin, one dark and one light, one the logical thinker, one the feeling. I have long been a believer that how you are brought up has a lot to do with the person you have the potential of being, and even though I I grew up with a set of twins in high school I never thought about this aspect. Having someone who is automatically that person who you are closest to, who you can and do share everything. How that must also play a huge part in your development, and how you look at life.

I feel another post coming on about how this has caused me to think about things in my life. Some decisions that I need to make, and how they will effect me.. maybe tonight, or tomorrow night I don't know.

I've learned

I've learned that somthing that seems to mean so little can change ones life forever

I've learned that sometimes somthing said in passing can stay with you forever and shape the decisions that you make.

I've learned that it only takes one sentance to make you wish the rest of your life you didn't say it

I've learned that it only takes a moment to hurt someone you love, and leave a mark on them for a lifetime

I've learned that I am responsible for my actions no matter how I "feel"

I've learned you can keep going long after you think you can't

I've learned that its ok to breakdown, to cry, to feel week and powerless. Its part of being strong the rest of the time.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that to truly forgive is not easy, and takes practice.

I've learned that I can't make someone love me.

I've learned that being someone worth loving is eaiser, then believing it.

I've learnd that no matter how good a friend someone is, there will be times where they hurt you, and that to be a true friend, you have to forgive them and move on.

I've learned that somtimes it is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to be cruel.

I've learned that no matter how badly my heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for my grief.

I've learned that trust takes time to build, and moments to be destroyed

I've learned that two people can look at exactly the same thing and see somthing totally different.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking can ease emotional Pain.

I've learned that the people you care the most about are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that if I can make one person laugh every day, I am helping do my part to make this place a little nicer to live.

I've learned that people will take advantage of my good nature, but this will not stop be from helping people in my life in any way that I can. Some of those people reach out an open hand, to say thank you, that makes it all worth wile.

a Day unexpected

Today started out fairly stressful, I knew there was a big meeting. Somthign they call an "all-hands" alot has lead up to this meeting. A lot of changes, in orginization, in policy, things people didn't understand, rumors that were running rampant. The unfortunate thing is that after you hear 4 or 5 people say the same thing rumor or not, you start asking yourself if they might be true.

Even today the rumors became MORE out there as the meeting aproached, that there was going to be some big announcement, that we were all going to be out sourced. long story short, there was no announcement. Further, the CIO addressed all the rumors that I had heard. He also asked for questions about the change in policy and answered directly and honetsly each question, no matter how repettitive, no matter how much it was asked out of anger. There was no beating around the bush, ther was no evading. I think I have decided to send him and e-mail with my thoughts on everything. perhaps I will start composing that tonight.

Coming home, I was tired, mentally more than anything. I worked on the evap cooler on my house for a little while, got it all tuned up so that it worked much better. I used the time think think about things, time spent working on me. I feel like I ma finally making visiable progress. I came down off the roof feeling very numb. like I has spent to much energy on the day, and that I just wanted to unplug. I realize that I use that term alot, but I have found ways to actually turn off my brain and the thinking.

I decided to sit down in the office and collect the days thoughts as I listened to some music. before I fired up I-tunes, I checked e-mail and myspace (I hate that it has become a habbit) read a little, when I did finally open up I-tunes, I browsed over the music, and was drawn to a song called "Hands Held High" by linkin park. I realized that I had not heard this one, which is on the minutes to midnight CD. i turned it on and the first 3 notes told me. "this was going to be different" As I listened, I was left without words, or emotion. Now, and tears stream down my face, I can't understand why. I do know that this song spoke to me on a very intimate level. Somthing that has started to happen to me more and more espically with music.

A new part of my life, I am excited, scared, optimistic, and most of all, happy. Both with direction and progress. I wish some things could be different. But I know that I have to accept the bad with the good, the laughter with the tears. Never forget the past or where I came from. but don't let that hold me back from where I am going, from reaching for the stars and my goals.

The Past, through someone elses eyes

So once again it’s been a while since I have written in these pages. Life has taken on new meaning for me, I smile, I have energy, and I am enjoying it every day. How’s that for a change, long way from where I have been.

The reason for this post today is because I use an RSS reader here on my computer, and today it blew up. I was forced to configure it from scratch, and in so doing I got a lot of old posts from some of the blogs I read on a regular basis.

I picked a couple entries that I didn't recognize, and as I started to read, a flood of emotion came over me, remember the things that happened that caused these posts to be written, and taking a broader and more encompassing view of the events, I was able to look from a perspective that I could not have then. It’s amazing how time can change everything. How you can see things that you just could not see then.

For a while now I have been working on me, and I realize that in a lot of ways, I am two very different people. One that is friendly, sensitive, caring, and gentle. Someone who loves deepy, thinks about everything, and tries to help everyone in my life, wanting nothing more than to have people treat me like I treat them. This is who I was first and who I associate as me. The second, cold, strong, raw, strong who I had to develop because I needed to be protected both growing up and in life. For a long time I felt like this second part locked away the first, under the guise of “being protective” causing a very different person to be displayed to the world. I would also often hide behind that second part when I didn’t want to face something. When I was afraid, or just feel that I cannot deal with life.

Lately I have gotten more control over the two parts. There seems to be a more unified presence that I show to the world, blending the two parts of me. I never used to think that this was even a possibility, I do still slip and have moments as one or the other, I realize that there will always be work to do in this area, it took me a long time to develop this second part so I expect that it will also take a while to find a common ground.

you can't go back

I have thought about this statement alot in the past year, off and on most of my life actually. It amazes me how one decision can mean nothing or can change your life forever. I look back on my life and see how much I didn't know. makes me wonder how things would have been different if I had the information I should have at the time that I needed it.

if you couldn't tell this is one of those rembeling posts. have had alot of feeling lost recently. Those feelings of helplessness sneaking up on me. So far I have been able to keep them at bay.

today I updated my myspace profile, as much as I don't like the site, it has gotten better recently. I am hesitating adding a "the past" photo album. I want to, but am not sure if I am that stong. I let myself get rapped up in the past to often. I don't think that it is really a good thing to do it all the time, I also feel that I need to remember from time to time. Espically those times when I have forgotten where I came from, where the road took me.

I got a new Phone recently, its a nokia... reminds me of the one I had when I went to kentucky. So many years ago. That part in life is the one thing that makes me think, picking up and moving somewhere might be the best thing for me. Usually that thought passes. Espically when I look around and see what I have acomplished, and espically my friends.

I miss several key people that I have had the oppertunity of knowing. People who have made some kind of impact on my life. Its really sad how we can drift apart from people that we care about, people that mean so much to us at points in our lives.

261

a day for writing

have done alot of writing today. bout thoughts, even brain dumping at one point. truth is, none of it is stuff that I want to be in here, its ugly and doesn't represent who I am and who I want to be. It is how I feel sometimes, but it is not somthing that I want to be, therefore I have removed it.

I hope to have more to write about soon. I did get the 510 going, which made me pretty happy. I have started a new regimine. if nothing else I will post progress here. hopefully once a week.

3/25/2008 noon 267.8

Another Beautiful Day

When you were just a child of eight

You were taught you were not to deviate

Only one way to heaven but half a million ways to fall

Well we can alienate the strange and the odd

As long as we're one nation under God

He might love me but you're his favorite of all

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

We can hate the Jews and the blacks and the fags

As long as we pray and salute the flag

And fall on our knees to a Jesus who looks just like you.

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

They blessed your soul and told you to travel

Dressed in polyester for a God made to grovel

Your a man on a mission I wish you could save

yourself

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

not sure exactly how I got here.

today started out so well, had a really positive attitude, and now I find myself sitting here only thinking how I want to get away and hide form the world. I feel so depressed, it has just kinda set in on me. I am fighting back the tears. where did it all come from. why am I feeling like this. I don't have any ideas, or thougths. I just want to hide.. to get away, to be alone. right now I feel like I just need to get out of town and just go be alone somewhere. whats wrong with me. maybe its time to look into medication. seems like I am all over the place lately. even more than usual. it almost seems that I need to be in crisis to be able to function. I am so tired of this, tired of being this way, tired of being a emotional burden.. I need to do somthing

day of accomplishments.

So today, I finally spent some time and got a bunch of the stuff I have been trying to get done... actually done. Cleaned the garage, fixed the 510, fixed the irrigation, poisoned the weeds (again) and sealed all the leaks in the irrigation... Even Squeezed in some time for shopping (more on that later) and some WOW.

thought that I would put that all down here so that I could remind myself that I could actually get things accomplished from time to time. Now I just need to do something with the motors in the garage, get rid of them or put them in something. I think that gives me something to do in the future.

I have actually thought about this, and I think that I leave things in my life that I know that I can fix solely for the purpose of being able to go and fix them and feel that since of accomplishment when I am struggling the most with things that I know I cannot change. Things that I know I have no control over, or that I have utterly failed on. One more way of staying out of the darkest places of my conscious and subconscious.

Odd thoughts to have. Humm oh well.

if you were a color...

Ocassional you will hear jokes about this, touchy feel questions like, if you were a color what color would you be and why? if you could be any inanimate objeect what would it be. Describe your world in smells. I like to listen to really classic music and think about these questions. or like "why are we here? what is the meaning of life?" Usually I come up with answers to these types of questions for myself, the issue is that I can't ever tell anyone about the answers for fear of ridicule. That almost makes me want to cry writing that down.

Full if so much thought and opinion, how the world works, what makes people tick. So much fear to share any of these things. I already have issues with people understanding me, this is only somthing that would complicate the issue. I like to think that I am a really simple person, but any time I stop to think about it, I realize just how complex I really am. how "DIFRNT", labeled the freak for so many years and letting myself believe that, and even bo ok with it. Making the same mean comments about myself that others would make, in an effort to "laugh at myself before others could" at least that is how I justified it. Makes me want to hide from people, to just be on my own and not interact, but I force myself to be out there, to interact to communicate, No matter how much I may not want to, I know that it is nessaray for my servival, and my sanity.

When I pull away from people for long periods of time, I become very dark, and extreamly hard on my self about everything. I can look back now and see how it happens, and how it happened. even now its so easy for me to justify all these things, and even give myself reasons why that is better than being an active part of the world. I know that this is somthing that I will always battle, somthing that will always be one of my demons, one that I must be aware of all the time, no matter how tired I get. I wish I was stonger, I wish I was the person I would like to think I was. I wish I could not hurt the people that mean the most to be because of my fear......

I wish...

change

Sometimes somthing that hits you all at once, sometimes so constant that you don't even know it has changed until you look back and see just how far you have come.

Today has been a long day, alot of emotions. I laughed, I cried.. I reminised. Away from all of that, I take away 2 things. Change and Perspective. Change is constant, no matter what it is, even if only seems to be time. Perspective on the other hand, can be constant but also can chane the feeling and meaning of almost anything.

Its easy for me to forget these two things. Seems like I need to be reminded over and over again. and each time I learn them, I take a little somthing extra away. I want so much to live the life that I think about in my head. I want to believe that I am a good person, I want to be so much more than I am.

It just seems like real change is just out of my grasp, I will keep trying though, and eventually will get to where I want to be. I think I will have an even more lofty goal by then though, guess we will see.

Difficult words

Lately I have found it hard to write in here. I feel like a hypocryt. I got everything I asked for and fucked it up. Now, I am having issues picking myself up learning from my mistakes. Its somthing so easy to visualize, but I have never seemed to take into account the crippeling effect of the emotion that comes with failure.

I heard somthing the other day about my sign, and it struck me to my core. I heard someone say, Aquarius, their phrase is "I know" you never have to tell them anything because they know. I looked at my life and immeadetly began having flashbacks of when that was exactly the case.
This is not who I want to be...

I am listening to that song again, "just be" makes me cry EVERY time. So much I want to change. I hate myself for some of the stuff I have done recently. I ask how I got here, the reality is that I got here one step at a time, and that is exactly how I am going to have to get to the next place. Sounds so easy.... all you have to do is get up off the floor and start walking, somthing that seems so impossible now.

I know you read this, and I want to say to you, that I am sorry, for everything. I am also sorry you could never tell me how you felt, and I wish every day that you didn't have to "deal with me" like you have. I thought I could, and now wish there was somthing I could do to help you, but I think that may be the cause of the pain...

to a friend that I have lost...

For a long time I hoped that I would find a way to be a part of your life again, hoped that the time we shared back then was more than just a passing moment. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I am now very convinced that you came into my life so many years ago now for a reason. I look at my life and the biggest parts that are not family related, and I am not sure I would have any of it if it wern't for you.

I am laying here in bed listening to a song that has reminded me of you. I hope that your life is bringing you everything you could hope for I send virtual hugs to you wherever you are.

"like a priceless jewel burried in dark layers of soil and stone, earth radiates her brilliant beauty to the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home and experience is as a place to visit and play with reality. You are becomig aware of yourself as a game master...

Embracing the goddes energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life, a vision that inspires you to live and love on planet earth.

like a priceless jewel burried in dark layers of soil and stone, earth radiates her brilliant beauty to the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home and experience is as a place to visit and play with reality. You are becomig aware of yourself as a game master..."

Home, alone

been a little while since I posted here, home alone. Watching Spiderman 2. heard a song that I wanted to write it down, seemed to fit.



"you tried so hard to be someone, that you forgot who you are. you tried to fill some emptieness till all you had spilled over. now everythings so far away that you don't know where you are. all that you wanted, and all that you had, don't seem to much, for you to hold on to. "

The next week and a half

The next week and a half should bring on some interesting changes and events for me. Some I am ready for, others I am apprehensive about. I did some thinking about how I ended up feeing the way that I did last night. Came up with some stuff that I am not really comfortable with. one of those When all options have been explored, what is left is most likely the truth. Scares me a little bit to be brutally honest.

Today I ran across something I sent myself, that I would like to put down in writing here. Something I took off a magnet that was on my friends refrigerator.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams live the life you've imagined

Regardless of how I got here, I think this is a good theme for my future, anyones future for that matter. Yes your decisions, and your mistakes should be learned from, but in the end we are really here to enjoy our short time here. I would really like to be a person who can follow this statement, someone that could really work this into their lives.

There are even times that I think I have been this person, having an dream and following it. at least for short periods of time.

Progress........ finally.....

So I am getitng ready to leave the customer for the day. I was finally able to perform the upgrade I have been working on for what seems like months. better yet it looks like things went fairly well. Made really good progress today, and I think I can finish up tomarrow.

I do believe that much of this has to do with the fact that I am still carrying with me a great deal of the disconnected feeling. I feel a little better now, but am still not really with it socially. I find it fairly easy to focus on work this way though, which today is what I needed. I hope when I go back to the hotel and relax that I will feel better. if not one more day, then I head back to phoenix... At least I hope this time.

Home home on the plane..

So I am tired of flying.. I am fairly used to it now, and can make this trip pretty easy. It just does not seem right to spend so much time on one. I guess I have taken care of that now, just a random thought that crossed my mind.

I am not looking forward to coming back to seattle on sunday night. But I think it will be all right. Hope to do the upgrade on monday and spend tuesday workin out the bugs. At least that's what I am hoping for. I want to leave them happy. Its been a rough upgrade for them. Would be nice to leave on a positive note.

More detail on the future plan

Detail on the plan for the future. I was talking to cam today, the subject of pets came up. I have bee thinking I would get a puppy after I get resettled away from travel n stuff. Would help serve the purpose of keeping me active and help keep me from jumping into a relationship just for the companionship. On that theme of being ok with me before trying to be ok with someone else in my life.. I have done it before and I feel confident I can do it again.

These thoughts make me really miss cruiser and to a lesser extent gizmo (mostly cause he ate my stuff lol oddly only the leather stuff. Dam S&M dog lol)

I have also been thinking that I would prolly reduce how much I have been driving. I plan to go on A very strict budget starting February 1. Get out of debt like totally other than the house.

Pay down the tangerine and roll it into into the house, sell the jetta to mom and dad finally. Ramp up the 401K maybe even start an IRA. I would like very much to stay at this new job 10 years or more..

On that note I think its time I work on my degree again, and go into management. Its really the way I feel myself being pulled. And the next logical step.

There you have it some more detail for my future.. I am still working on steps. I have to get done traveling before I van make to many more detailed plans.

Songs of meaning, words of strength.

Today... Today is the day I re-take control. The day that "I put right what once went wrong". So much in my life has been changing, I put these things in motion, I had that control. Then for a list of reasons that can best be simplified into fear, I lost that control. I started letting things slide, then I started doing things that only fed my feelings of being out of control. Today I change that and take back the reins of my life from fate.

"i woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain, like a weight that i've carrin, been carried away. But I know something is coming, I don't know what it is, but I know its amazing can save me, my time is coming, I will find my way out of this longest drought. and it feels like today, i'm sure."

Today I have been listening to some music that reminded me what it was like to be positive, and upbeat.. what it was like when I was really ok with me. I had all these things that I planned on saying here, but you know what, that's it.

I am gonna try and keep this feeling going, find more positive music, find more things to smile about. I spent my whole lunch hour with a customer who I really didn't know laughing. Random person that I could find things to smile and laugh about. I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Slowly figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I can get to that person. I just have to remember, that its one step at a time. forward, small goals, I need to remember that life is a journey, and half the pleasure are the things along the way. to much time spent trying to cram who I am into a specific box. "I and everything I am should fit into one of these 10 symmetrical boxes." when that is simply not the case.

positive attitude about life on as many days as possible. Step 1

Thoughts on sedan from the airport vs a rental car.

8:38pm
For some people including myself until recently cab/sedan from the airport vs a rental car would not even be a decision rental car all the way. I have started to think about this more lately.

With my current customer I can walk from the hotel to the office. And now that I have my own driver in seattle who I actually like, it seems so much eaiser and even plesent to have someone waiting for me when I get there. No rental car crap to deal with no driving to worry about.

I think I understand how people can be shofered around now. its just one more thing to not have to worry about. I am home for a while after this but I think that I will look into this on a more regular basis. Will have to find a driver in phx since that is where will use them the most.

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Todays apointment

11:AM
So I had my apointment today.. I have never put so much pre-work into one of these. And in the end I felt that I did really well and ended up not using any of the pre-work I had done.

Now its just time until I find out next steps. Its times like this that I understand how much has changed with me and my willingness to wait for things. In the past this kind of waiting would have killed me.. I can't say it doesn't still bother me. But to a much less degree.. I know that some of the best things are worth waiting for...

The smell of the christmas tree in the house. The sound of rain on the ground. Monsoon season and the smell of the desart as it begins to rain, The feel of that rain my body during the heat of the summer. The thrill as the acceleration of the 510 comes over me. The smile when somthing reminds me of a really good memory..

These are all things I have learned are worth waiting for.. And now I add waitng to hear about this.
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Anger.

Anger... simple word, 2 sylabils, yet somthing that can be so debilitating for me. I experienced some of this last night and was able to just let it go, and now as I sit here at the airport it has hit me again.. I can understand in my head why I am angry all of a sudden, but cannot really put it into words. Its like somthing you find irrtating causing everything else that happens to a million times more fustrating than it would otherwise be.

I have kept pretty busy this last week, and I think that I am going to take a couple days and unplug from non-work stuff. turn off the outside world. I don't like feeling like this, and I think its because I have not taken enough time for just me. This and next week seem like the perfect times to take that oppertunity.. as a matter of fact.. now that I am off the phone. I think I will start right now.

I HATE BEING THIS ANGRY.

friday morning fear

So, last night I posted about how I was feeling. at least I started the process, since if got hung up I had to re-post this morning. I re-read what I wrote last night, and I realize that I don't really feel better today. This is not a good sign for me, usually I can step back from a situation and calm down and think about it rationally. This time that did not happen. I think it might have to do with the fact that when I attempted to step away from the conversation I was pulled back in and felt forced to continue after I knew it was no longer productive. I know better than that, wish I would have listened to myself.

So now I have to wonder, will I carry this through the day? or will I be able to shake it. I am hoping I can shake it, but also not going to count on that. I just wanted to post a short message to myself so that I could come back and notice later that this is how I feel.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I do things that I know are not going to work. Why I trust that things could be different this time around. This time I am talking about open communication about what I am thinking. I have known for many years that the way I think doesn't always make sense. I do know that each time I have tried to have open free flowing communication bad things end up happening, its probably my fault I have so many things that are broken about me.

Tonight I feel like I am just tired.. Tired of trying to explain how I work, trying to find someone who can understand me. I feel lost, my emotion has deceived me, my trust in myself misplaced.

I am laying here in the dark listing to a track from a play I recently saw... Tears streaming down my face. Music, my mistress, Always there when I need it, to illustrate a point, to make me smile, to let me cry. It reminds me how small I am in this world, and also how connected I can be to another person.

Gonna be a long week.

Emotion it always comes back to this

Its been a while Since I worte about the Softer side of things. Best way I can answer to myself as to why is that I have kinda been away for a while, not only phisically, but mentaly as well. I think that for me I get into this place where I just put all the not phisical stuff. The stuff that I cannot touch on hold until I get somthing else done. Usually its one of the things that I can touch, somthing that I can phisically relate to.

Lately its been hard to stop moving forward to write about things other than what I have been writing about. with work and the travel and having to get stuff done when I am home. It doesn't seem like there is any time for the more emotional stuff. the stuff that is more about how I feel instead of "what needs to get done".

I am seriously thinking about doing somthing fun on my own... see if it is even somthing I can do anymore, I like to tell my self that I am fine on my own, but when put in the situration... I always find someone else to hang out with. This is still somthing I think I need to put more thought into.

thoughts

so tonight has turned into one of those nights. sitting here in the dark, thinking. what am I doing to myself? I get these thoughts in my head "how things could be" is usually what I call it. things strt to go my way looking positive, and I think "This is awsome, I should try putting effort into this other thing that I have been struggeling with. Each and every time I find myself here, frustrated, angry and worse that I was before things started going well.

do I know what I need to do? Yes. Do I think that I have the strength to do it. No. For all the things and time that I spend being strong, this is one of those time that I just have no idea how to be that strong.

I have done thinking about why tonight happened, and the events that led up to it. Truth is its little things all stacked on one another. My next steps are to wake up tomarrow, Drive to Boston, (thoughts of "he took a cab from boston" running through my head) take pictures, see the sites. Do my very best to smile and not think about this and the things I call "my issues". I will then go into the office and drop off my HR paperwork. Tomarrow afternoon I will come back to the hotel, let any emotion out that I have, sleep and go home on saturday. From there, I will have to do some soul searching.

thats all for now

first day at the new job

so I am laying here in bed, my first day at the new job is coming to a close. I feel like crap, but I also think that this is going to be a really good time... I think that I may have to take tomarrow to finish recovering, I am phisically feeling pretty crappy, but I am also excited about what the future holds for me and this job.

I think thats all, just wanted to put down a few thoughts about the first day.

Giving Notice...

Today, I got an offer for the new company. I decided to give my current company the oppertunity to see if they wanted me to stay on. after the amount of time I have been here, I am not sure that I could have lived with myself if I didn't. My manager told me he would get back with me tomarrow. My feeling at this point is that they will not be able to do what it would take for me to stay. I think that it is just time.

I ended up having a talk with the, director of our IT department. It confuses me why upper management even in situations like this, feels that they need to throw out things that serve no purpose other than to take a jab at people, in this case me. Over all it was a open honest conversation, but he also made me feel like he has no reason to try and keep me. Which I can understand as I have been really fustrated the last year or so.

so tomarrow will tell what the future holds for me..

a true leader

"a true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. he does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent. in the end, leaders are much like eagles.. they don't flock, you find them one at a time."

I read this the other day and thought that I would post it here and make some comments. I believe that this statement is pretty accurate, and something I believe as well. if I look back at all the leaders in my life, the true leaders. they all have these qualities. I also believe that you do not have to be a visible leader to posses these qualities. that every person should strive to use some of this in their life.

I would like to think that changes in socity start with a few people, as that group grows the changes that they support carry more weight, until it is a force that chnges the world and all the people in it. for the better or the worse.

Will you be the one that starts the next change?

thoughts on things I have read

So I have read a couple things lately that have gotten me to thinking... most are not contributed to a specific author, so I cannot give credit where credit is dew, but I thought I would write a some thoughts over the next couple of weeks, and share how they made me feel when I first read them and how they seem to fit into my life.

"excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expect more that others think is possible."

In alot of ways this statement fits into my life. maybe not exactly how it is ment in this statement. But I still think it fits in a couple ways. I have always been someone who is careing. Most times far beyond that is wise or that I let show. This single thought has often left me in pain, both in the short term and over a longer period. on the surface it would be easy to ask "well then why do it? why care?" The answer is much more simple than even I had ever stopped to think about it. Its because every now and then it allows for wonderfull esperiences, close connections and the making of new friends.... Thats it.. just the chance for good things to happen. Its more important to me than the pain I might have to go through.

Dreaming... just reading my blog you can see examples of this. I truly enjoy dreams, the good and the bad. They might cause greif in the short term, trying to figure them out, or trying to understand them. but for the most part, I enjoy leaving reality in a dream and just seeing where my mind takes me.

in short this statement makes me smile, just thinking about it and applying it to my life and my beliefes.

Today I am happy.

Today... for the first time in... well a while.. I can close my eyes and think.... "Today, I am happy." it seems odd to me how daily happieness can fade, and we don't even notice. we don't realize that each day we are not really happy. its one of those things that you can't quite put your finger on, but it just doesn't seem the same. Then you find your "happy place" you smile and start to think about how long it has really been since you smiled and actually felt happy.

I am not sure how it is that a feeling like this can fade and I didn't even notice. just went through the motions every day not really thinking about it I guess. its weird to me how I can just function day to day and not really think about weather I am in a good place or a bad. Maybe its because I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do about the situation, and now I have options. Now I have an alternative.

As hard as it is for me to understand.. I know that it is even harder for someone else to understand. How could I explain to someone that just going through the motions in life is just the way it has to be. I mean conciously I don't believe that, but I know that It somthing that I have had to do from time to time in order to survive and not just curl up on the floor and stop functioning.

I thought that I would like to post this to remember this day.. moving forward I think that I will have more of these.. I feel a steady stream of good things coming on.

Lost friends

I was fairly determined to not post anything about my weekend, but there is something small that happened... that I thought I should write about.. something that makes me both sad and frustrated at the same time.

Several months for reasons that I can't even remember now, I grew apart from someone that I considered a good friend. I feel that I reached out to this person a couple times, only to be told in no uncertin terms that my communication was no longer needed. Normally I can let this go.. I understand people often grow apart from each other, but this one got to me much more than I thought it would. This weekend While I was at Disney, I saw this person... all he could say was hi, and his focus was mostly toward someone else in our party... I thought I was over the whole thing, but it brought back up all that emotions that I had around this the first time.

I don't let alot of people in.. at least not into the real me. He was one of the few that I felt close to. at times I knew that he had to be at arms distance because that is just what he needed, but you don't really realize how much someone means till they are gone.

I also would like to say that I regret some of the things that I thought about him since that time, they were not fair and were really only to help me feel better... which they did not. mostly it was a defensive mechanism for me. I needed to be mad so that I would not be hurt.

I would just like to say. "Brian, I am sorry that we grew apart, I am sorry that I dissapointed you, I am sorry that we grew apart, and I miss the friendship that we shared at one point."

filler/cop out

Today was not a good day.. I have spent the last several hours writing about what I feel, how things are not goos, and I have decided to just say that they are really dark and not condusive to a constructive outcome. I have instead decided to write this post. Not to forget but so that I can remember. Remember that today was a bad day, but that my writings while in a mood that I have been in today and this evening, is not a good representation of who I am, and I am choosing to let those thoghts be free-form writing and not post them here.

Tomarrow will be a better day, and the negativity from tonight will fade as it has in the past. I got out my thoughts, and I will save them... I am just choosing to not put them here. I think its time for some relaxing music and some sleeping. I have dwelled in this negativity for long enough.. tomarrow.... Positive thoughts, and a Good day...

connections

So over the years I have done alot of thinking about people, how they interact with each other and what that all means. I think that it comes down to a connection. People look to make a connection with other people. to not feel alone in this big world that can be a truly scary and harsh place. I think I have expressed this feeling in my life by saying on several occasions "My life is a open book all someone has to do thumb thumb through the pages." Looking for someone to stop and want to take the time thumb through my pages.. and odd analogy but I think that it fits me. I have searched for a connection, and for a large majority of my life was unsuccessful. I have been luckey to find that connection a couple times. For the most part thought, I feel that it has not been somthing I have been exceedingly successful at.

I have thought about this alot lately, with some of the feelings I have been having. I think alot of what I have been feeling is a misture of things. Both the large amounts of change that I have introduced to my life, which I do not see slowing down at least any time soon, and also some delayed emotion to the biggest change I made in my life, with all the fall out that has come of that. I have written about how I how I feel there is a piece of my life that is missing, and how it really prolly always will be. I know that noone can promise forever, but that doesn't make it any eaiser.

The conclusion that I have reached is that it comes down to the connections I do manage to make with people and how much that really means to me. The truth is that until recently, I have not really thought about the subject for some time. I feel that for a long time I was not able to think about it. Thinking about the connection I had with one person and what that would do to me if I was to lose it was not somthing I could bare to even consider. All the way up to the point where I lost that connection. Far beyond the relationship, I either conciously or subconciously pushed that connection out of my life. I cannot really understand why I did that, perhaps it was because I felt I had to do that to keep from hurting. When in reality, I needed to hurt, weather I wanted to or not. Its part of the process that cannot be "skipped"

This realization has been both really hard, and enlightening for me. I understand better now why I need to feel connected to someone in order for things to go much past a friend phase, and why I am perfectly happy putting people into a casual friend catagory so many times.

I believe that this started at a very young age for me. I was not able to make friends, and felt very hurt when I was left by the way side by someone. my defense was to become self reliant and closed off to people. taking it to the point of needing to be home schooled for a year to get away from "people"... in the end, I think that this made me a stronger person, but I also think that it has alot to do with why I need to connect with someone on a level other than phisical contact to let them into my life. I also understand why I People who only see whats on the surface and make snap decisions baised on that bother me so much.....

There are so many people in the world... espically guys that just want the phisical from someone else, doesn't matter if they are gay or straight or whatever, but what they are looking for is the quicky, this phisical gratification that comes from the act of sex, some even turning it into a sport, or even somthing to do when their board. I personally don't see anything wrong with that. If it is what both people want, then hey grate...

For me, this is the most intimate thing that I can share with someone else. Somthing not to be taken lightly... Now granted I am sure everyone has moments where its just somthing phisical, espically after you have been with someone for a while.. Also I would like to say that I have talked to several friends that have explained there versions of the act of sex, and why they do it etc etc.. I am not saying what they are doing is wrong, what I AM saying is that I can't... even if I thought I might want to... I am just not wired that way. perhaps with enough practice that might change, but its also not somthing that I want to change.

in the end I think all I am trying to say is that for me, I really enjoy meeting new people, I enjoy going out.. but when it comes to somthing more that that, I need to feel like there is a connection between me and the person I am with.

Dreams

WARNING..... THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT...... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

I have vaguely written about my dreams off and on here in these pages. Over the last several weeks my dreams have become much more vivid. I also have started remembering much more detail of each of these dreams. As of this last week, I can no longer ignore them. Lately at least once a night I have been having highly explicit sexual dreams about both people currently in my life, and in my past

I have had to take some time to think about these dreams and what they might mean, mostly because I am not someone who is a highly sexual person with.. at least not until I have a fairly solid connection with someone, (more on that in a later post thought) Some of these dreams are easier to explain, but some are Not so easy for me to explain away.

Each of these more explicit dreams that I cannot easily explain have had have a couple things in common. 1. Each Dream involves either people I have had passing sexual thoughts about, or have had actual sexual encounters with. 2. they are people that I feel that I have at least some kind of connection with (again more on this later)3. All the dreams involve people that I do find physically and mentally (thats a big one for me) attractive. Luckily these people also exist outside of my work circle. The last thing all these dreams have in common is; They all involve sexual activities that I have thought about but have never tried... Yes I do understand how that sounds. What these activities are doesn't really matter as much as that all the dreams have this in common.

I have not come to a real conclusion as to what these dreams mean. Weather it is my subconscious telling me that I need to experiment more? That I need to get out and interact with more people? that something is missing in my life? That the creative side of me has been suppressed for to long with all that is going on with work and my life... or lack there of.. LOL

In short I have to admit that I am enjoying these dreams, but I find remembering them once I am awake is also very distracting. I would like to think that there is an actual meaning behind them, and that i am not just becoming dirty as I get older.. LOL I guess that it could be as simple as I am starting to feel my youth slip away (which will be another post soon). In short, I enjoy the dreams but would like to think more about what they mean in my life, and that I can find the connection...