thoughts mind dump

its been a little while since I was able to post... I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately... about life, family, friends... the people I miss, the ones I don't... people that touched my life, made me smile, and then were gone... People that came into my life, and caused hurt and pain... Those that randomly entered my life if even for a few moments, made an impact and then moved on as if it was almost planned as a message...

mostly I think about my feelings, why I feel them, what spured them. I wonder if they will change in the future, or if this is just how it will be for me and my future...

I have wondered about what is the next decision I will make... the next decision that will define my life going forward... I still listen to music when I think, I cry, I smile, I sit quietly... There are so many things that I want, I just feel like I need to find myself before I can even try to work on the things that I want... like I should make a list of thing things that I need, before I look at the list of things that I want... my problem is that its difficult for me to difference between want and need, maybe on some level they are the same thing. a want, that becomes so strong it moves into a need category. or a need that is subconscious and comes across as a want.

I read a note from my mom the other day, that relayed a story of dad's tractor catching fire while he was using it, how he was covered in soot from head to toe when she found him, and he was not feeling well... Once again this kinda pointed out to me far away they are.

I have thought about getting out of the tech field, moving into something different. I feel so tired all of the time. I think most of it comes from work. I know that there are other sources in my life right now too, but for the most part, I know that I need to get away from this place at the very least. I literally feel like it is killing me, one moment at a time. Quite a different feeling from when I started working here. how I thought this place was my home, how I had found a place that I could retire from... Not sure I have ever been so wrong about anything... it reminds me of someone looking at a cow and saying "your a frog!!" and repeating it over and over again, thinking that eventually the cow will be a frog "with enough work and process, we can make that cow a frog..." and it just does not work that way... just admit its a cow and move on....

odd analogy I know... I bet a few people I know will get it though...

I think thats about it for now.