So many Downer posts.

I was just brousing through my posts, and realized.. I have to many painful hurt posts. I think I need to really work on posting more when I am happy. Like today... Today, I cried, but I am happy. Sometimes I work so hard to help the people I care about be happy, and now, I am happy to hear that someone I care about is happy and again enjoying their life.

In Life it is SO hard to keep in mind all the good things that have happened to us, it seems so easy to be hurt and remember only that. To feel the horrible feeling over and over agian. I have never really understood it, but it seem it happens to many people. I don't want to be one of those people. By nature I am... or at least I used to be optimistic about everything, finding happieness in the stupitest little thing.

I have found myself in a place where I have changed the basic parts of who I am, for reasons that I do not think are good ones. After making so many mistakes it seems so easy to stand at this place in my journey through life and think. "I am no good at this at all."

This week I have made a commitment to myself. I am going to do my very best to move forward from here, Concentrate on those parts of my life that need work, and one step at a time I am going to focus on making each day of my life a little better than the last.

Eventually I think that I could actually get to a point where I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I have done a good job fixing the broken pieces, and am happy with the direction I am now going." Putting so many things off, relying on to many people for things that I should be dealing with myself. It has been time to set a stake in the ground and say.. HERE... This is as far as I go, I am ready to start climbing out of this hole that I have put myself in.

I know, that I have started this before, and I have repaired some of the really broken stuff. Its time to figure out a way to keep on this track. To make it out of the hole and start back on the journey of life.

a Day unexpected

Today started out fairly stressful, I knew there was a big meeting. Somthign they call an "all-hands" alot has lead up to this meeting. A lot of changes, in orginization, in policy, things people didn't understand, rumors that were running rampant. The unfortunate thing is that after you hear 4 or 5 people say the same thing rumor or not, you start asking yourself if they might be true.

Even today the rumors became MORE out there as the meeting aproached, that there was going to be some big announcement, that we were all going to be out sourced. long story short, there was no announcement. Further, the CIO addressed all the rumors that I had heard. He also asked for questions about the change in policy and answered directly and honetsly each question, no matter how repettitive, no matter how much it was asked out of anger. There was no beating around the bush, ther was no evading. I think I have decided to send him and e-mail with my thoughts on everything. perhaps I will start composing that tonight.

Coming home, I was tired, mentally more than anything. I worked on the evap cooler on my house for a little while, got it all tuned up so that it worked much better. I used the time think think about things, time spent working on me. I feel like I ma finally making visiable progress. I came down off the roof feeling very numb. like I has spent to much energy on the day, and that I just wanted to unplug. I realize that I use that term alot, but I have found ways to actually turn off my brain and the thinking.

I decided to sit down in the office and collect the days thoughts as I listened to some music. before I fired up I-tunes, I checked e-mail and myspace (I hate that it has become a habbit) read a little, when I did finally open up I-tunes, I browsed over the music, and was drawn to a song called "Hands Held High" by linkin park. I realized that I had not heard this one, which is on the minutes to midnight CD. i turned it on and the first 3 notes told me. "this was going to be different" As I listened, I was left without words, or emotion. Now, and tears stream down my face, I can't understand why. I do know that this song spoke to me on a very intimate level. Somthing that has started to happen to me more and more espically with music.

A new part of my life, I am excited, scared, optimistic, and most of all, happy. Both with direction and progress. I wish some things could be different. But I know that I have to accept the bad with the good, the laughter with the tears. Never forget the past or where I came from. but don't let that hold me back from where I am going, from reaching for the stars and my goals.

What is Love

it seems to me that there are many things that are attached to the word love, espically when it comes to a relationship. I thought about this word when contenplating my last relationship and how it didn't seem to be "enough" like one word or feeling was the reason why things did not end up working out...

Now I find myself thinking with a new relationship when is the apropiate time to start using that word to describe it, or even what "love" signifies. At several points being afraid of saying it or the word itself.... SERIOUSLY.... its just a friggen word... I think that there is so much more to a relationsiop... any relationship than one word.

I wonder if sometimes that I think about stuff to much try to put meaning to things that may not be ment to have meaning.

Its odd for me to push so hard for so long, for somthing I just knew in my soul was right. Always seeming like I was just out of reach of my goal, and feeling like I could almost touch it. Reaching a point where I started to doubt that I was striving for the right goal. FInally reaching a point where I was pretty sure that it was not the right goal, then stopping the chase, I stopped pushing, and watched what had I been chasing move further and further away.... Then looking to my right only to see the things I thought I had been chasing, standing next to me. not moving away, but just there, smileing...

That of course, scared me to death, so I took several steps the oppisite direction. Each time being followed. After a short time, I decided to see if what I was experiencing was real. Since then I have been convinced every step of the way how real it really is. I make no promises or guesses as to where this will lead, but I do know that I am willing to at least see what direction it goes, no longer pushing or chaseing but walking step for step into the future.

I know none of the above made a whole lot of sence, but it is really how I see things when I close my eyes and think about them. I thought I would just write a little excerpt from the randomness of my mind.

Excited about my LA trip

So I have made my decision... I am going to LA to visit Kristina, her son and maybe eve nudge.... if he has any time where he is not working... and to be honest.. I am really excited.. this will be my first pleasure trip on my own in quite a while... there was always something that was attached to my trips that hung over my head.

After work today I am going to make a trip down to the airport and see what rental cars are aviable. see if I can rent a sentra or somthing for the trip... I will prolly just end up takeing the altima though. will prolly save me money in the long run, and don't have to stress about wrecking a rental.

these last few days I have had an enormous amount of stress, and I saw the effect it had on me in the short term and can feel the long term effects. I have decided that I want to take at least 1 long weekend every other month and just get away for a little while..

I talk to people and they say they can't understand how I can work so hard for so many hours. to be honest I until recently have not even realized I was.. it was just part of what I needed to do to make it through life. every now and then I would stop to "smell the roses." but for the most part it was work and sleep. ben talking to my friend eric, and I think that he is right. its a matter of working till 4ish, and then standing up and walking away from it. I just need to do it.

I want to make it a goal to smile more, work less, and just be positive as much as I can, about everything. stay on top of the things that help me stay positive and happy.

Positive thoughts and writings....

so after this crappy day at work.. I thought I would take a moment or two and write some positive stuff, things that I am happy about things that I am greatful for.

I am grateful for my friends and the joy they bring into my life.
I am grateful that I have a family that I know loves me and would do anything to help me.
I am happy that I have experienced love and caring so deep that it felt like the two of us were one.
I am grateful that I am in a position that I can enjoy my hobies, and the things that I love
I smile and I am happy when I close my eyes and think of all the wonderful things that the future holds for me and how much I am going to enjoy experiencing them.

I try to think of theses things through out the day, and constently come up with new ones. but I thought it would be good for me to put a few down in writing, so that when I come back and read this I can see that its not all negativity that I write about, but also very positive things... its seems we (me and my friends who also keep on-line journals of one type or the other) seem to come to these places of writing archives and write feaverishly and with greate verv about the dark things in our lives, the things that disturb us and makes us cry... lately I have thought alot about why I do this, and for me I think it is because I know that I will come back and read them later and subconciously there is a feeling of never wanting to forget when I was hurt, when I cried, or when I generally feel not so good.

I am going to make it my effort here to post things that are positive as well as negative. I feel that this way both the people who read here and when I come back to read, will see that I am not a negative person.. in fact the oppisite is true... I am usually annoyingly optimistic... I want this to become my point of record of my thoughts and experiences in life. I want to remember all of them, good and bad for as long as I can. This is how I can best learn I think... from my experiences.

I am forcing myself to look to the future, smile and realize that I have no idea what is around the next corner, but that no matter what it is, it will not stop me from being optimistic and excited about might come next.