Passing thought

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Songs of meaning, words of strength.

Today... Today is the day I re-take control. The day that "I put right what once went wrong". So much in my life has been changing, I put these things in motion, I had that control. Then for a list of reasons that can best be simplified into fear, I lost that control. I started letting things slide, then I started doing things that only fed my feelings of being out of control. Today I change that and take back the reins of my life from fate.

"i woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain, like a weight that i've carrin, been carried away. But I know something is coming, I don't know what it is, but I know its amazing can save me, my time is coming, I will find my way out of this longest drought. and it feels like today, i'm sure."

Today I have been listening to some music that reminded me what it was like to be positive, and upbeat.. what it was like when I was really ok with me. I had all these things that I planned on saying here, but you know what, that's it.

I am gonna try and keep this feeling going, find more positive music, find more things to smile about. I spent my whole lunch hour with a customer who I really didn't know laughing. Random person that I could find things to smile and laugh about. I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Slowly figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I can get to that person. I just have to remember, that its one step at a time. forward, small goals, I need to remember that life is a journey, and half the pleasure are the things along the way. to much time spent trying to cram who I am into a specific box. "I and everything I am should fit into one of these 10 symmetrical boxes." when that is simply not the case.

positive attitude about life on as many days as possible. Step 1

Morning Latte

So this morning, I decided to venture out what I call "the long way" which just happens to leady right by my favorite coffee shop.... Unlimited Coffee 741 E Glendale Ave Phoenix, AZ (602) 252 - 1200, Little free plug there for my friends at the shop.

For those of you who don't know, I also got a new car the other night. I will post a blog about that whole experience prolly later today. Anyhoo, the more I drive this car and figure out how it works, and we adapt to each other the more I feel like it is an extension of me. Its almost like I designed the car for me. it fits, it drives how I want it to drive, I have enough gizmo's to keep me entertained, most of all its fun. I am not sure I could ask more for a car, that also lowered my payment by 100 a month.. LOL

So anyway, I decided to come down 7th street, to the coffee shop, and it just seemed as though the car is learning what I want, when I wanted to accelerate, it did. when I wanted it to be calm an smooth, it was. when I needed to leave the stop light with a little extra viggor, it did so with no complaint, and flawlessly performed exactly what I wanted it to.

Once at the shop I talked to the person working the counter we will call her K, we just chatted a little, she helped some customers, and then made me a carmel latte. I said I had to get to work and I was off. leaving the shop, I was able to exit the slanted parking lot entrance, and accelerate up to the speed limit just ahead of the aproching cars behind me with no drama or rough shifts. was completely smooth (this is HUGE for me if you ever heard me RANT about my old car) once on the freeway behind the person who we will say was not from here, and prolly was never allowed to drive where they were from. I feel bad for people like this, it must be an intimidating thing being on our roads, and espically merging onto the freeway, which this person did, and a wopping 40 MPH (I believe that is right about the speed you need to be going to DIE on AZ freeways.) but no worries, a little application of the throttle, the car down shifted and I was safly up to freeway speed in the next lane over.

Next my exit came up, I signaled, downshifted the car (rev matching is a wonderful thing) made the turn and accelerated back to the posted speed, again no drama no issue. Some of you may be thinking "isn't this how a new car is supposed to be?" I think any educated person would say yes, but I aperently have increadably high standards and this is the first car I have driven that had anything close to what I would call a smart automatic.... perhaps its because it is a automatically shifted manual... but more on that later. between that and the ballance of the car, Its really hard to tell its front wheel drive.

I marveled at the car from every stop light and each bump in the road that did not unsettle the suspension (as happened most times in my last car). once at work. I parked, smiled, and went inside. I am still thinking about the trip to work now... how crazy is that?

ok time for some work now... had to post this wonderf start to a long weekend

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.