up late

up late, lot on my mind tonight, spent an hour or so writing it down, I am not sure weather it helped or not, then a house eppisode makes me cry, perhas I can let enough out to ware me out.. The odd thing is that over all I am really happy.

at least I have another day off :)

Life lessons seem to have a twist of irony

for so long I was what I would call shy. Never directly speKing out
with what I needed or wanted. Instead I took more of an aproach of, if
it is meant to be it will.

over the years, and through some instrumental people In my life,
slowly, I have learned to collect my thoughts and then how to express
those thoughts to the people with whom they involve..

it seems as thought life lessons, or at least this one is not
without some irony. The more courage and practice I got at it, the
less those thoughts and feelings seemed to matter to the people that i
shared them with.

So now, I move back to where I started, this time, I find myself no
longer sharing by choice, having the ability, but no longer the desire.

It's sad, but at the same time, it is ok. I know now that I am strong,
and that I will make it through anything. I just wish that it could
again be more than "making it through" I cannot trully complain, I
have experienced this, and I know many have not, but I still miss it

And with that, I think it is time for bed..

early morning song

laying in bed listenging to music and I heard this and it really made me think...

"cause getting your dreams its strange but it seems a little... well complicated... theres a kinda a sorta of cost, theres a couple of things get lost... there are bridges you cross you didn't know you cross untill you cross. and if that joy that thrill doesn't thrill like you think it will, still with this perfect finally the cheers and the ballyhoo who wouldn't be happier, so I couldn't be happier, because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.... well isn't it...... happy is what happens when your dreams come true..."

just somthing I wanted to put in here so that I can remember, that once again, sometimes getting what you want isn't always what you need, even if you believe with all your heart that it is.

Not a lot to say

I have not posted much here lately, but it's mostly because I have
not had much to say. A lot has been going on in my life, but have not
really felt the need to write about it. Guess that's about it.

No More Sad Songs

Random song that made me cry.

This is the way, That i state my independence, That i'm no longer connected to your memory. This is the day that i'm making my defection, that I claim back the affection that you stole from me. I used to hear your music so loud But its so low.
You're just another face in the crowd, I'm letting you know.

[Chorus:]
No more sad songs, I'm letting you go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know, you turned out the light. I'm
gonna be alright when I... turn the radio off. No more sad songs.

These are the words to descibe all your offences. You said love in the past tense and then you let it go. Haven't you heard, Your are no longer respected, you are formally rejected from the one you hurt. I used to have the longing to hear
what was in your heart, But now it seems i'm over the fear of this falling apart.

[Chorus]

No more sad songs. I used to have the longing to hear what was in your heart, but now it seems i'm over the fear of this
falling apart.

No more sad songs, I'm letting it go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know. No more sad songs, I'm letting it
go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know. you turned out the light. I'm gonna be alright without... Turn your
radio off. No more sad songs. No more sad songs.
No more sad song, No more sad songs.

song during my workout.

Well I was movin at the speed of sound
Head spinnin couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was goin' down Yeahh, Yeahh
Where I been, well its all a blurr
What I was lookin' for, I'm not sure
Too late and didn't see it coming Yeahh,
Yeahh

Then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Some how I couldn't stop myself
Just wanted to know how it felt
Too strong I couldn't hold on Yeahh, Yeahh
Now I'm just tryin to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened
Where were headed, there's just no knowin Yeahh, Yeahh

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

From your face, your eyes
are burning into me
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need
ohh, just what I need

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Then I crashed into you (x5)
Like a runaway train
You will consume me
But I can't walk away






I cried, composed myself and went out and worked out till I was totally broke down, mentally and phisically. I feel better now

random...

To whom it may concern,

I'm not a perfect person. Theres many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never ment to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go. That I just want you to know. I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you.

I 'm sorry that I hurt you, its somthing I must live with every day, and all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears, thats I need you to hear, I found reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. The reson is you.

random song/thoughts

Words selected from a song I heard today, that just seem to fit all the emotions I am having today.

"I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason... bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those who help us most to grow... if we let them, and we help them in return...

Well I don't know if I believe that’s true... but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you..

like a commit pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a bolder half way through the wood... Who can say, if I've been changed for the better. Because I knew you... I have been changed for good.....

It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part. So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a hand print on my heart. and now whatever way our stories end, you know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Like a ship bone from its mooring by a wind off the sea. like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood, who can say if I’ve been changed for the better... because I knew you... I have been changed for good...

and just to clear the air... I ask forgiveness for the things I’ve done you blame me for... but then I guess we know there’s blame to share.... and none of it seems to matter anymore........... Who can say if I've been changed for the better...... I believe I’ve been changed for the better... and because I knew you..... I have been changed for good"

Ya I think that sums it up... nothing really more to say than that.

Late night random thoughts

ramdom thoughts... I sent loren a text message this weekend, after I pushed send I reliezed how several small words could hold so much meaning. I still have times when I feel like there is a key piece of my life that is missing. Like that missing puzzle piece that you can't find no matter how hard you look... no matter what pieces that you find, none seem to fit the way that you feel they should. I think that tomorrow I will think some about some goals, things that are able to be accomplished, things that will help me become a better person.... listening to some sappy music tonight... prolly not the best idea, but sometimes its good to just cry...

thinking...

so.... I don't even know how to start this... I believe that everything happens for a reason... that there are no accidents... but lately I feel so disconnected to from the things that I heald so dear for so long... I feel like I am being torn away from the things that have meant the most to me for years... I have to wonder if this is how it is supposed to be, I have to wonder what is next for me... if I made the right choices? if I made the right choices for the right reasons... i try very hard not to regret any of the decisions that I make, but at the same time I have to stop and think about some of the choices I have made recently. I think about the past, about the future, and ocasional think about the present. People that I are in my life, people that are no longer in my life...

I think that it is time that I sit down and make some goals, short term and long term, things that I need to change in my life, things that I want to make me truly happy... I had a dream about M the other night, I drempt that I was sleeping next to him, just cuddeling... I woke up crying... so much emotion..

I took the past monday off sick, I just could not seem to get out of bed.. I felt like I had the world's weight pushing down on me. Its not like I was depressed, just that I didn't have the mental strength to get up out of bed to come to work... I ended up going over to Eric's and we went for breakfast and bummed around a little, that was really nice. it made me think that I should really get a way for a little while, I am supposed to go to Oregon in june and I don't think I will have the 510 together by then... that makes me sad, but I just have not been in a good mental state to work on it. I don't want to push it, if I can't enjoy working on it then I don't want to.

so many things on my mind... so may things that I should really put down somewhere, that I can look at later... I am just not sure how to put them into words.

I think I will stop there. maybe add some more later when I get home and relax a little...