picture that caught me off gaurd in a good way

As I was sitting here piddeling with my iPhone (yes I found it) I ran across a picture, I had not seen in about a year... it gave me chills, followed by the biggest goofy smile, as I thought.. There.. in that picture... in that moment... I was happy...

The fact of the matter is not when or where that picture was taken, just that it was and that was how I felt at that moment. would love to have more times like that...

smile as i go to bed... heres to hoping

...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Late night random thoughts

ramdom thoughts... I sent loren a text message this weekend, after I pushed send I reliezed how several small words could hold so much meaning. I still have times when I feel like there is a key piece of my life that is missing. Like that missing puzzle piece that you can't find no matter how hard you look... no matter what pieces that you find, none seem to fit the way that you feel they should. I think that tomorrow I will think some about some goals, things that are able to be accomplished, things that will help me become a better person.... listening to some sappy music tonight... prolly not the best idea, but sometimes its good to just cry...

the weekend...

The weekend is over, and as I sit here listening to some heavy trance music on my headphones, I think back over the weekend. WOW is the best way to describe it. Seems like so much is happening in such a short time...

I often wonder if life is a grouping of little circles... when I say that I mean I wonder if we go through things that we have already gone through in a slightly different way so that we can remember, so that we can get a different perspective... I have noticed that I have gone through alot of the stuff I have already been trough in my life again recently, but this time its like I am on the opposite side of the situation, seeing things from the other perspective. its really weird to see a situation coming and realize that I am now on the other side. it has caused some really emotional nights, and also some true smiles and laughter... at the same time I am apprehensive about the future, and the things that may be coming. i find my self stressed out about stuff that 1. I have no control over. 2. things that I have done everything I can about, and 3. things that are so far in the future, that I need to just let things happen and see where they go... I guess there is alot more time to think about things now, time to sit in the dark, time to deal with my deamons. I find myself spending alot of time with friends now, compensating I think... I need to try and spend some time alone, so that I can get used to it. so that I can be good at being on my own again...

I talked to mitch today, that was nice... it did make me realize that I made a few promises that I need to keep this year, I need to make an appoitment with the dentist and the doctor for my snoring and lack of sleep... I hope Mitch will get to come down and visit AZ this year, I think that would be a good time.