Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D

Life and its timing

SO it seems that once again, life has interesting timing. Not more than 12 hours after I finally make the apointment for the Tattoo I have wanted for a long time now... I am reminded in full technicolor and Right in my face, what it means, and why I am getting it.

its his time agian, not forever, but for now, its time for him to play his role and to keep me protected and out from under the things that want to crush me. I know that I will live, that I will move past the part.

Things made more difficult for no good reason, make me sad.

the need to be needed

I was just sitting here thinking how we all need to be needed, how we all want to feel that someone wants us around. How when we leave a relationship, we fear that we may never find another one, another someone who will need and want us, another someone that will love us. For me it is espically hard, because there have not been many people in my life that I have bonded with, shared who I am with, and really felt close to. I know this is my doing, but I think it makes it that much harder to let someone go. I have created a special place in my heart for the select few that have really known me, and I am not sure there is any way to remove that, and if there was what kind of person would I be if I did?

when those people we love find other people to love, it feels like we die just a little inside, as the final pieces we cling to of still being needed fade. Its never an easy thing, and I often wish that the pain could just go away, that I could just be ok. I hide alot of my pain, inside where I think it is safe from causing issue for other people, its hard for me to let it out without going overboard. The truth is, I think I am glad that there is pain, I am glad that I hurt. because it reminds me that I am alive, I am a person participating in the human race, and that my feelings are real, and that I truly am capable of love, and worth being loved. that what I felt then, through the mistakes, and poor choices, was real, and that it ment somthing, and that even if it were for a short time, I made a difference in some elses life, ocasionally made them smile, maybe even made them feel warm and fuzzy from time to time.

doesn't make it any eaiser though, doesn't make it hurt less. it does let me see how deeply I really do love though, and that the love is powerful, and effects the world around me. I long to find love that will last forever, I look to the future with hope in who I am now, and will become, thatI am and w people will see me for who ant to be close, that I can make people laugh for the rest of my days, that I can love so deep that 2 become as 1...

late night thoughts

Ok, not as late as some of the ones I have had, but still. so I came into the office tonight, angry and frustrated. I know it was over something stupid. When I stopped and thought about it, I heard those voices from the past reminding me how I was once on the receiving end of the same thought. To forget about this and move on to a better mood so that I could go to bed, I cranked up some music from the past. I then proceeded to poke around on the internet, never a good thing for me to do when I am in this kind of mood.

Tonight, I read a profile of someone online that really intrigued me, someone who claimed they were a white night and wore their armor proudly, I was pretty sure I know this person, and debated weather I should send this person a message. I did, and got no response.

I then continued to poke around on the internet, found myself on my space, reading the site of someone who I would now consider a friend from work. We had a long talk the other day about life, the loss of innocence, and how there doesn't seem to be any moral people in the world anymore, this lead into discussions of what morality was, and how it is inturperted by different people.

I realized after that conversation that it is rare that I find someone that even thinks about these things. We have become a socity that just races from one drama filled moment to the next, there doesn't seem to be much that is truly special anymore, or any time spent marveling at the truly simple pleasures. He spoke of not feeling special in his relationship, my heart went out to him, but what do you say to someone in that position? "no really you are special in your relationship...." chances are good that not many people he will be around will even think about things like this, let alone understand where he is coming from, and that he may not be special in the way that he should be with is GF. I saw me, when I first moved away from home. The thought of meeting that one person you would spend the rest of your life with, I felt so bad for him, I know how that can feel and it is not somthing that you can prepare for, or even defend against. Its cuts quick and it cuts deep.

This person also has a twin brother, and the more I get to know one it is starting to seem that they are two sides of the same coin, one dark and one light, one the logical thinker, one the feeling. I have long been a believer that how you are brought up has a lot to do with the person you have the potential of being, and even though I I grew up with a set of twins in high school I never thought about this aspect. Having someone who is automatically that person who you are closest to, who you can and do share everything. How that must also play a huge part in your development, and how you look at life.

I feel another post coming on about how this has caused me to think about things in my life. Some decisions that I need to make, and how they will effect me.. maybe tonight, or tomorrow night I don't know.

Time to update

Its been a while since I have written in these pages. I took a break for several reasons, the biggest being that I was in a transitional point in my life. had alot of stuff going on and needed to just take care of everything, and this took a back-seat to that.



Since then, thigns have calmed down considerably and I am starting to feel normal again. I left my traveling job, I have sence found work that is local, to both PHX and my house. This has been a huge help, as traveling so much with everything else that was going on was REALLY stressfull. I also have continued to make mistakes, and make things worse that they prolly needed to be with some of the stuff in my life. I think now that I have reach a point where its just going to be time that tells me what direction that I go next.



On the lighter side there is an addition to the family, somthing I have been thinking about for a long time, and now I think I can actually accomplish.

For the first day and a half he went by nameless pup. But I think that his offical name is going to be sprocket. As you can see he spends lots of time sleeping, I think that this is a very temporary thing. He is a Boston Terrior, and they are known for being crazy hyper. we will see how it goes, but I look forward to not having such an empty house. Because the new job is close to work, I can come home for lunch and play for an hour or so. and then go back and finish up.

I have a pretty good feeling that there will be several posts about him in the near future. Somthing to move me away from some of the other issues I have been having.

more later

Time alone

so I have had time to spend alone lately. So far I think its been good for me. I look forward to the changes coming in the next month or so. getting a chance to start over with alot of things. a chance to make changes for me. I have actually started mapping out steps, and I think I will post them here once a few more things fall into place. I want this year 2008 to be the year that I fix the last of what has been broken with me for so long. I would love to see 200 lbs again. I would really like to start trying new foods that I in the past have not liked. I would like to have 2 cars in the garage that I can actually drive. To have a yard that I don't have to be embarrased about (no comments from anyone who says "Your yard is just fine"). I would also like to take the time to decorate the inside of my house and make it more than just plain walls.

These are the highlights. details will come in the following weeks.

I think I can smile again, and if not now, then soon. for no reason. I remember those days, that I was just happy. it bugs me how I can slip into places where I have to think about smiling.

soon I think. soon I will be back there. I really look forward to being home again.

*smiling* now, and not having to think about it. just need to make that a more often thing now

9th floor and holding

so as I lay here, looking out the window of my 9th floor room I find myself thinking about everything. I have some music playing on the ipod, Amazing grace played on bag pipes. That always gives me chills. I am not sure why I have developed this admiration for bagpipe music but its like it connects to the deepest parts of me.

This road I am on, I can see it has turns. I can see that I am in for some tough decisions. I can see that I will spend a good amount of time alone. I can remember a time when even the thought of that was unbearable. The thought of being alone was so terrifying, that I would make decisions that I know now made little sense for me, and many times were actually bad for me. Driven by only my desire to not be alone I made even the worst decisions work. At least at the time I was convinced I was making them work. The Truth is that the pain and sorrow I felt, the internal struggle I had came out in other ways. Often inflicted on people that did not deserver it. At one point in my life I had decided that it was no longer worth "Working to survive." For me it was lucky that there was someone there... to extend a helping hand in my hour of deepest need. Its weird for me to write about this now. It seems so long ago, and I seem like such a different person now.

The struggles I face now, and those which are in my future will push me, they will test me. I know that I am a stronger person for them. Its odd to me, I can take a step back from my life, I can see my life from a outside perspective, and I question things. Why did I make this decision? Why do I feel that way? Why am I so hard on myself? The answers are not as important as the questions to me, I need to keep asking, keep thinking. Keem Moving forward.

drinking

This is a subject that I don't get into very often. I took a break from drinking of any type for 4 weeks. it wasn't a big deal for me, but I felt that it was taking control of my life. I had also started drinking by myself at home. I thought this was unhealthy, which was another reason why I thought I should stop.

Now I have a new opinion, I think this is a way that I can unplug.. a way I can turn my brain off. It has quickly become something that I have pretty strong feelings about. I have also noticed that I have less tolerance for criticism in this area. This is not like me, but lately I have also noticed these kinds of feelings about other areas of my life as well.

The more I think about these thoughts the more I think it is my compensating for the past in going the oppisite way. Becoming over sensitive about to many things. To be fair and to look at all the possibilities I would also have to say that it might be from me feeling like some people are not listening to the the things I am saying as well. i will need to think about this some more, but I needed to put some of this down so I could think about this later

Time.... it changes everything....

lately, I have spent alot of time thinking.... When I say lately, I would have to say over the last year or so. I feel that I have learned a lot about both me and people in general. Its seems like the further I go in life that faster it seems to go, and as time passes some things seem to change, things that I always assumed were a constant in my life.

I think a lot about the last 10 years spacifically. Espically when I find old pictures or somthing that remindes me of the past. I have let myself cry, and feel all kinds of emotion that I felt I should not be feeling in the past. Things that made me feel like I was weak and not in control. I have learned that I have to make room in my life for all the emotions that I feel. I am a very emotional person, and if I deny what I feel, then it makes things so much worse for me.

I wonder what the next 10 years will bring. I wonder if I will have someone special in my life when I reach the end of my journey. I wonder how much fuurther my journey is, and where it might still take me. Sometimes I feel like I should be making more goals for myself, plans for the future, things I should do so that I can show progress. Other times I feel like I should just let things happen, that the best things that could happen will be a surprise.

This weekend, was really nice. I had Cam's b-day on saturday. It was a quiet event, but somthing that I enjoyed, was nice to slow down a little, I also did not drink, even thought my 3-week date I set for myself was up on saturday. I just didn't feel the need to have any alchol. I heard reports of other party's that went on, and truthfully, on some level I wish I could have gone, but I very much enjoyed just relaxing the second half of saturday. This was because I ran around like my head was chopped off on saturday morning, running erronds, and making sure I was ready for the afternoon. So having the second half of the day be calm and relaxing, I think was just what I needed. A good friend of mine K was there, and we got a chance to talk about everything that has been going on in my life. I found myself not being able to formulate words to express what i was thinking and feeling. This is somthing I am really not used to. I worked so hard for so long to be able to be articulate and be able to express myself. I find it fustrating to be so at a loss.

I think that there has been so much going on, that it's been hard for me to put all the smaller things together in my life. To sort of make sence of it all. Thats assuming that one can make sence of somthing that can be so kaotic and confusing...

I can say that I don't really feel lost anymore. I at least can see direction. Not sure exactly which direction, but I can see that there is at least direction. This is the first month I have been able to get out ahead of my bills. I think that may have a lot to do with me starting to see direction. I knew I would get here, it has just taken longer than I thought it would. I know that change like this takes time, but I still feel like I have left a HUGE part of my life behind, and that I am trying to figure out how to adjust to that, and re-orginize my life. I know that time.... as it changes everything, will also change this.. eventually giving me clarity, and a better perspective as to why things are the way they are and how that fits into my life in the future....

ok enough rambeling for now

few random morning thoughts

So its been a few days since I have been back from montana. I am sitting here at work, just thinking about things. listening to some good music. I can say, right now.. as I sit here. I am happy. I am not sure when the last time was that I could say that. nothing more nothing less. just happy. with where I am, life, work. right now is good...

There are of course things that I want to change... but right now.. in this moment.. happy is the word I am choosing to describe my state of being.

What is Love

it seems to me that there are many things that are attached to the word love, espically when it comes to a relationship. I thought about this word when contenplating my last relationship and how it didn't seem to be "enough" like one word or feeling was the reason why things did not end up working out...

Now I find myself thinking with a new relationship when is the apropiate time to start using that word to describe it, or even what "love" signifies. At several points being afraid of saying it or the word itself.... SERIOUSLY.... its just a friggen word... I think that there is so much more to a relationsiop... any relationship than one word.

I wonder if sometimes that I think about stuff to much try to put meaning to things that may not be ment to have meaning.

Its odd for me to push so hard for so long, for somthing I just knew in my soul was right. Always seeming like I was just out of reach of my goal, and feeling like I could almost touch it. Reaching a point where I started to doubt that I was striving for the right goal. FInally reaching a point where I was pretty sure that it was not the right goal, then stopping the chase, I stopped pushing, and watched what had I been chasing move further and further away.... Then looking to my right only to see the things I thought I had been chasing, standing next to me. not moving away, but just there, smileing...

That of course, scared me to death, so I took several steps the oppisite direction. Each time being followed. After a short time, I decided to see if what I was experiencing was real. Since then I have been convinced every step of the way how real it really is. I make no promises or guesses as to where this will lead, but I do know that I am willing to at least see what direction it goes, no longer pushing or chaseing but walking step for step into the future.

I know none of the above made a whole lot of sence, but it is really how I see things when I close my eyes and think about them. I thought I would just write a little excerpt from the randomness of my mind.

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.

content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...

thoughts on relationships

Seems to me that this subject has come up in my life repeadly in the last 2 weeks. Gay relationships to be specific. All the different types, Open, monogmous, more than 2 parties. No matter how many times this subject comes up I keep coming back to my own definition of a relationship. A relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Sure seems like a simple thought. straightforward, nothing really hidden. As long as the people in the relationship are communicating. Agree on whatever the parameters have been defined in their particular relationship, with no one getting hurt, then who cares what other people think....

If only the world worked that way, if only people were all open minded enough to see if it works for them, then that is all that really matters. outsiders don't have to understand it, just accept it. I think that our community is on the bleeding edge for the new definitions for relationships... at least I think we are the most willing to talk about it. I personally enjoy the subject, getting other opinions, hearing people say they think this or that is wrong. its interesting to let someone get all the ways that they think a certin type of relationship is wrong out in the open and then start asking questions. Why do you think that? does this have some kind of negative effect on you? is what they are doing hurting anyone? I don't do this because I am trying to be an ass, but I want people to see that narrow mindedness is somthing that leads to discrimination, segragation, and anger. In a case like this I have to ask... WHY??? it would be like me telling somone that I think it is wrong for them to wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. Ya it might look bad to me, but its not hurting anyone, and they like it. so more power to them, maybe that will be the next fashion trend (god I hope not). I know that is an odd way to compare things, but I think it fits, and after all this is MY blog.. LOL

I spent a considerable amount of time chasing an ideal when it comes to relationships... I had found someone who was my best friend, and I was going to do anything and everything I could to be with this person... Anything I could to make this person happy. For a long time I was pretty successfull. Then I decided I would like some some stuff for me... I think this is where I made my first mistake. Because I wanted to fundamentaly change the relationship I don't think that was fair. instead I should have talked to him and told him how I felt and that I thought I was not really letting him see who I really was. Instead I chose to ask for things that were outside the definition of our relationship. I then became offended and hurt when I did not get them, so I asked different ways and pushed harder and harder, untill finally we hit an impass.. I was no longer willing to give and he was not willing to give... we both had our reasons, right or wrong... but it all comes back to communication first. So the relationship came to an end, now I am faced with the thought that I may have lost my best friend to. This again was also due to mistakes that I made. I need to now figure out how to work all of these mistakes and lessons learned into my life in a way that I will not have to make the same mistakes again, and hope that our friendship is not damaged beyond repair.

I will be the first to say that I am always learning new ways to communicate, and how bad I am at communicating certain things. thinking exactly what I want to say, and then having something completely different come out. This is something that I think is driven my fear both of confrontation and loosing something that I care about, ironically this is also the cause of me loosing some of the things that I have cared the most about, which is another reason to work on the issue in the first place.

I am now faced with someone who wants to enter a relationship with me, I will admit I let things go further than I had initially planned, much faster than I had planned. I felt like I just was not ready for something so soon, (relationships have the worst timing sometimes). But I also have to say that the experience has also been positive for me. So much different, I have been completely open and honest with him from day one, telling him that I am and would be a mess, he has been honest with me, nothing shrouded in secrecy or emotion, each time I test the limit, saying exactly what is on my mind, getting a response that he thinks he can understand and responding openly and honest to me. Something I so wish I would have done with L... that is one of my single biggest regrets, followed closely by pushing him so hard for the things I knew he didn't want/wasn't ready for hiding behind the excuse of "I can make things better for him" when all I was doing was making him feel trapped, I will not deny that we have had some truly wonderful moments, things that story's are written about, also some pretty dark moments too, time I would not go back and change for fear of losing any of those memories.

I don't know what role this new person is going to play in my life in the long run, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic, I honestly don't know what will happen from here, althought I am trying to stay positive about this and the rest of my life, it would be so easy to fall back into depression with this, I have just chosen to not let it happen this time, to let things go, and just see what happens.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff now, the past several years spent climbing to the top, now I stand alone, ready to jump off into the unknown... seeing highlights of what may be in my future, wondering what adventures await me? wondering if I will be ok? wondering whats next?

wednesday morning

I have been reading some of my friends blogs, and I realize that my trials in life are not always my own. that most people go through them. I have been very careful about what I put in here... mostly since I started writing where it is publically aviable, leaving out names, leaving out the detail of my life. Worried what my friends would think if they ready all the detailed thoughts that I have. Until now I have been ok with this, but the more I read on the web, and the more that see that this is supposed to be a place I can put down my thoughts for me first, where I can come back and remember what I was thinking of feeling. The more I realize that I need to put down more of my full thoughts and feelings. I think moving forward this is somthing I am going to try and do here in my blog.

Last night... last night I left work, I don't even remember what time it was, but I think it was close to 6, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. As it turns out leaving the cooler on all night was not such a good idea. I called loren on the way home and left him a v-mail saying that I could not stop by and pick up the stuff he had for me (his family had started collecting things for me before I bought the house and they were not trickeling over to lorens house) I just felt really tired and run down.

I came home and instead of going to bed like I had planned, I tinkered on the 510. I took it on a couple test drives, and it became clar to me that I don't think it is going to make it to canby, maybe next year, I just refused to feel rushed.. After finishing working on the car, I went into the house washed up, turned on the cooler, stripped down and fell into bed. I ended up watching the rest of heroes that I had not seen yet, and was a little dissapointed with how it ended.... or should I say wrapped up this volume... at some point Loren had sent me a message saying he hoped I felt better, I replied with I was in bed resting trying to feel better. I still feel like our relationship as friends/ex's or whatever title you want to give it, is still very strained. This is somthing that has been on my mind for about a week now. Did I make the right choice? is this the best thing for me? I know that I could ask anyone close to me and they would say yes... but they never saw him like I did, when we were alone, how he could... when he wanted to.... make me smile, laugh, or cry... 10 years is a long time, its a long time to just give up on or to let go of easily. I feel like we grew up together, almost like he is my little brother...

By the time Heroes was done it was 1am and I was pretty sore all over so I thought it would be good to try and get some rest, I turned on a eppiside of law and order set the TV to sleep, and ended up sleep ing right through my alarm. i felt rested but had a pretty nasty sour throat. when I woke up my first thoughts were of cammeron, and that I had not heard from him yesterday, this seemed a little odd to me, but I shrugged it off and got in the shower. I remembered something Loren said to me the last time I saw him... he said "Well if you make him happy and he makes you happy then thats all that really matters." I thought about that through my shower, and as I was getting dressed. I think that I do make him happy, and I think that he does make me happy. My issue is that with him starting ASU in September, he will have new experiences and meet new people. I don't want to stand in the way of that. I want him to have a good time and enjoy his time there. The conclusion I came to is that I should keep things as they are, and let him start school and see what happens. No predetermined thoughts or expectations.

That brings me to now, being at work typing this message. I have thought quite a bit about my goals, and I think that I am going to look for weight loss/getting in shape to be at the top of the list. combined with eating more healthy, and being positive as much as I can. to quote one of my previous thoughts. Live, be happy, knowing that any day, any hour, any moment, the next wonderful thing could come along that would totally change my life forever.