diseney land trip thoughts

So I have been thinking about it, and I think that I am ready to write my thoughts on disneyland. This year.... I had a really good time. on top of that, there was no real drama. seems really odd for me to say that, because it seemed like the two always went hand in hand.

This year I also had to make some really tough decisions, decisions that in a earlier time I would have just avoided. This last week I went through alot of, stuff. there is no real blame for anyone or any one thing as to why, but by the end of the week I felt like I had gotten crontrol of it and I was ready to go to disneyland and have a good time. This is a really important time for me, and somthing that I have decided is important to me, and that I need to do for me.

It makes me sad that I feel like I had to hurt someone I care about it to achieve my goals, but I truly believe that with everything else going on, the way things worked out was better for everyone involved, and yes I know that seems like i am making decisions for other people, but really this decision was for me, and my happieness. I feel like I don't give enough credit to that most times.

I met some new people this weekend, I got to catch up with people I don't get to talk to much that have had such a huge impact on my life, I got to smile and laugh, and just be happy. close to "the old dave" the one I miss so much. The weather was wonderful, it felt good to just be ok with everything again. its been so long.

laying here in bed, I can say. this weekend has been really nice, and coming home with an extra day off was very much worth it. I feel like I have made sugnificant progress on me, and now I can make a plan for my future, starting with smaller goals again, getting back into the swing of how the whole process works. I feel like I again have hope for the future, no matter what it might hold for me. I am starting to feel that sence of energy, of hope, of happieness just because coming back to me.

I have had been blessed to have so much love in my life, i need to remember that, I need to remember all the positives in my life all the good things. there are so many people in my life that care about me, people that mean so much to me... I just need to make sure I don't forget that, espically in the dark times.

Laying in bed in montana

So I am laying here going over everything that has happened. All the
adventure, all the interesting things.

I have to wonder if this is how it was always planned to be. That
everything happens for a reason when it is supposed to.

There is definatly no way I could have predicted this course of events
but as I lay here listening to music, the bedroom window open wind
gently blowing outside, I am smileing, excited again about what is
ahead of me and what could be just around the corner.

Today I am happy.. Family, friends, and a positive attitude.. It's an
intoxicating combination.

More writing

I have decided I really need to write more, and more about the good things in life, ya there is always bad stuff to talk about, but why not write about the good stuff, the things that make me smile.. Sprocket looking at me from outside licking the window, as if to say. "Come out and play with me daddy." He sure has been a trooper lately, I think that pets know. That they sense when you need them the most and just turn it up in just the right ways.

Spent a lot of time with friends today, something that I don't write about enough. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to have the group of friends that I do, always a good time, always willing to do something... whatever that might be.

My roommate had a little crisis today, and I was able to help him out, that kinda made me smile, its seems like so long since I felt like I could do something really positive for someone else. Today, I think I was able to do that a couple times, so it made me smile.

Tomorrow I hope to have another post, hopefully with pictures, but we will see how that goes.

Fish Fry

So I just got back from what was supposed to be a "fish fry" I was thinking breaded fish deep fryed like I have seen in the past, this was actually a BBQ where they had fish and kabob's. A friend of mine invited me, and it seemed like it would be a really good way to step out of all the stuff I was dealing with and have a good time.

I have to say, it was. So good to get away, and just enjoy myself. No stress, just good people and good times. I think I need to do stuff like this more often, I think it will be important to my sanity, and help be stay grounded.

House is quiet tonight, Roomie is asleep and sister is out of town. I should crash out early, its already been a long day with my 3 hour call starting at 2am.

a Day unexpected

Today started out fairly stressful, I knew there was a big meeting. Somthign they call an "all-hands" alot has lead up to this meeting. A lot of changes, in orginization, in policy, things people didn't understand, rumors that were running rampant. The unfortunate thing is that after you hear 4 or 5 people say the same thing rumor or not, you start asking yourself if they might be true.

Even today the rumors became MORE out there as the meeting aproached, that there was going to be some big announcement, that we were all going to be out sourced. long story short, there was no announcement. Further, the CIO addressed all the rumors that I had heard. He also asked for questions about the change in policy and answered directly and honetsly each question, no matter how repettitive, no matter how much it was asked out of anger. There was no beating around the bush, ther was no evading. I think I have decided to send him and e-mail with my thoughts on everything. perhaps I will start composing that tonight.

Coming home, I was tired, mentally more than anything. I worked on the evap cooler on my house for a little while, got it all tuned up so that it worked much better. I used the time think think about things, time spent working on me. I feel like I ma finally making visiable progress. I came down off the roof feeling very numb. like I has spent to much energy on the day, and that I just wanted to unplug. I realize that I use that term alot, but I have found ways to actually turn off my brain and the thinking.

I decided to sit down in the office and collect the days thoughts as I listened to some music. before I fired up I-tunes, I checked e-mail and myspace (I hate that it has become a habbit) read a little, when I did finally open up I-tunes, I browsed over the music, and was drawn to a song called "Hands Held High" by linkin park. I realized that I had not heard this one, which is on the minutes to midnight CD. i turned it on and the first 3 notes told me. "this was going to be different" As I listened, I was left without words, or emotion. Now, and tears stream down my face, I can't understand why. I do know that this song spoke to me on a very intimate level. Somthing that has started to happen to me more and more espically with music.

A new part of my life, I am excited, scared, optimistic, and most of all, happy. Both with direction and progress. I wish some things could be different. But I know that I have to accept the bad with the good, the laughter with the tears. Never forget the past or where I came from. but don't let that hold me back from where I am going, from reaching for the stars and my goals.

Time to update

Its been a while since I have written in these pages. I took a break for several reasons, the biggest being that I was in a transitional point in my life. had alot of stuff going on and needed to just take care of everything, and this took a back-seat to that.



Since then, thigns have calmed down considerably and I am starting to feel normal again. I left my traveling job, I have sence found work that is local, to both PHX and my house. This has been a huge help, as traveling so much with everything else that was going on was REALLY stressfull. I also have continued to make mistakes, and make things worse that they prolly needed to be with some of the stuff in my life. I think now that I have reach a point where its just going to be time that tells me what direction that I go next.



On the lighter side there is an addition to the family, somthing I have been thinking about for a long time, and now I think I can actually accomplish.

For the first day and a half he went by nameless pup. But I think that his offical name is going to be sprocket. As you can see he spends lots of time sleeping, I think that this is a very temporary thing. He is a Boston Terrior, and they are known for being crazy hyper. we will see how it goes, but I look forward to not having such an empty house. Because the new job is close to work, I can come home for lunch and play for an hour or so. and then go back and finish up.

I have a pretty good feeling that there will be several posts about him in the near future. Somthing to move me away from some of the other issues I have been having.

more later

Today, I am happy

I woke up today, was in the kitchen, I looked around at the house, looked out the back windows, and thought. "Today I am happy" been a long time since I have been able to say that. thought this was sugnificant enough to write down here.

Today I am happy.

Today... for the first time in... well a while.. I can close my eyes and think.... "Today, I am happy." it seems odd to me how daily happieness can fade, and we don't even notice. we don't realize that each day we are not really happy. its one of those things that you can't quite put your finger on, but it just doesn't seem the same. Then you find your "happy place" you smile and start to think about how long it has really been since you smiled and actually felt happy.

I am not sure how it is that a feeling like this can fade and I didn't even notice. just went through the motions every day not really thinking about it I guess. its weird to me how I can just function day to day and not really think about weather I am in a good place or a bad. Maybe its because I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do about the situation, and now I have options. Now I have an alternative.

As hard as it is for me to understand.. I know that it is even harder for someone else to understand. How could I explain to someone that just going through the motions in life is just the way it has to be. I mean conciously I don't believe that, but I know that It somthing that I have had to do from time to time in order to survive and not just curl up on the floor and stop functioning.

I thought that I would like to post this to remember this day.. moving forward I think that I will have more of these.. I feel a steady stream of good things coming on.

Morning Latte

So this morning, I decided to venture out what I call "the long way" which just happens to leady right by my favorite coffee shop.... Unlimited Coffee 741 E Glendale Ave Phoenix, AZ (602) 252 - 1200, Little free plug there for my friends at the shop.

For those of you who don't know, I also got a new car the other night. I will post a blog about that whole experience prolly later today. Anyhoo, the more I drive this car and figure out how it works, and we adapt to each other the more I feel like it is an extension of me. Its almost like I designed the car for me. it fits, it drives how I want it to drive, I have enough gizmo's to keep me entertained, most of all its fun. I am not sure I could ask more for a car, that also lowered my payment by 100 a month.. LOL

So anyway, I decided to come down 7th street, to the coffee shop, and it just seemed as though the car is learning what I want, when I wanted to accelerate, it did. when I wanted it to be calm an smooth, it was. when I needed to leave the stop light with a little extra viggor, it did so with no complaint, and flawlessly performed exactly what I wanted it to.

Once at the shop I talked to the person working the counter we will call her K, we just chatted a little, she helped some customers, and then made me a carmel latte. I said I had to get to work and I was off. leaving the shop, I was able to exit the slanted parking lot entrance, and accelerate up to the speed limit just ahead of the aproching cars behind me with no drama or rough shifts. was completely smooth (this is HUGE for me if you ever heard me RANT about my old car) once on the freeway behind the person who we will say was not from here, and prolly was never allowed to drive where they were from. I feel bad for people like this, it must be an intimidating thing being on our roads, and espically merging onto the freeway, which this person did, and a wopping 40 MPH (I believe that is right about the speed you need to be going to DIE on AZ freeways.) but no worries, a little application of the throttle, the car down shifted and I was safly up to freeway speed in the next lane over.

Next my exit came up, I signaled, downshifted the car (rev matching is a wonderful thing) made the turn and accelerated back to the posted speed, again no drama no issue. Some of you may be thinking "isn't this how a new car is supposed to be?" I think any educated person would say yes, but I aperently have increadably high standards and this is the first car I have driven that had anything close to what I would call a smart automatic.... perhaps its because it is a automatically shifted manual... but more on that later. between that and the ballance of the car, Its really hard to tell its front wheel drive.

I marveled at the car from every stop light and each bump in the road that did not unsettle the suspension (as happened most times in my last car). once at work. I parked, smiled, and went inside. I am still thinking about the trip to work now... how crazy is that?

ok time for some work now... had to post this wonderf start to a long weekend

few random morning thoughts

So its been a few days since I have been back from montana. I am sitting here at work, just thinking about things. listening to some good music. I can say, right now.. as I sit here. I am happy. I am not sure when the last time was that I could say that. nothing more nothing less. just happy. with where I am, life, work. right now is good...

There are of course things that I want to change... but right now.. in this moment.. happy is the word I am choosing to describe my state of being.

Music

thought I would add a quick blurb here, I have now listened to these new cd's I have all the way through, and I have just started over again... I look forward to when I can have a car with satalite so that I can listen to this new music on a more regular basis... I miss it...

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.

Excited about my LA trip

So I have made my decision... I am going to LA to visit Kristina, her son and maybe eve nudge.... if he has any time where he is not working... and to be honest.. I am really excited.. this will be my first pleasure trip on my own in quite a while... there was always something that was attached to my trips that hung over my head.

After work today I am going to make a trip down to the airport and see what rental cars are aviable. see if I can rent a sentra or somthing for the trip... I will prolly just end up takeing the altima though. will prolly save me money in the long run, and don't have to stress about wrecking a rental.

these last few days I have had an enormous amount of stress, and I saw the effect it had on me in the short term and can feel the long term effects. I have decided that I want to take at least 1 long weekend every other month and just get away for a little while..

I talk to people and they say they can't understand how I can work so hard for so many hours. to be honest I until recently have not even realized I was.. it was just part of what I needed to do to make it through life. every now and then I would stop to "smell the roses." but for the most part it was work and sleep. ben talking to my friend eric, and I think that he is right. its a matter of working till 4ish, and then standing up and walking away from it. I just need to do it.

I want to make it a goal to smile more, work less, and just be positive as much as I can, about everything. stay on top of the things that help me stay positive and happy.

Positive thoughts and writings....

so after this crappy day at work.. I thought I would take a moment or two and write some positive stuff, things that I am happy about things that I am greatful for.

I am grateful for my friends and the joy they bring into my life.
I am grateful that I have a family that I know loves me and would do anything to help me.
I am happy that I have experienced love and caring so deep that it felt like the two of us were one.
I am grateful that I am in a position that I can enjoy my hobies, and the things that I love
I smile and I am happy when I close my eyes and think of all the wonderful things that the future holds for me and how much I am going to enjoy experiencing them.

I try to think of theses things through out the day, and constently come up with new ones. but I thought it would be good for me to put a few down in writing, so that when I come back and read this I can see that its not all negativity that I write about, but also very positive things... its seems we (me and my friends who also keep on-line journals of one type or the other) seem to come to these places of writing archives and write feaverishly and with greate verv about the dark things in our lives, the things that disturb us and makes us cry... lately I have thought alot about why I do this, and for me I think it is because I know that I will come back and read them later and subconciously there is a feeling of never wanting to forget when I was hurt, when I cried, or when I generally feel not so good.

I am going to make it my effort here to post things that are positive as well as negative. I feel that this way both the people who read here and when I come back to read, will see that I am not a negative person.. in fact the oppisite is true... I am usually annoyingly optimistic... I want this to become my point of record of my thoughts and experiences in life. I want to remember all of them, good and bad for as long as I can. This is how I can best learn I think... from my experiences.

I am forcing myself to look to the future, smile and realize that I have no idea what is around the next corner, but that no matter what it is, it will not stop me from being optimistic and excited about might come next.