Laying in bed in montana

So I am laying here going over everything that has happened. All the
adventure, all the interesting things.

I have to wonder if this is how it was always planned to be. That
everything happens for a reason when it is supposed to.

There is definatly no way I could have predicted this course of events
but as I lay here listening to music, the bedroom window open wind
gently blowing outside, I am smileing, excited again about what is
ahead of me and what could be just around the corner.

Today I am happy.. Family, friends, and a positive attitude.. It's an
intoxicating combination.

First party at the new house.

Yes I know it has been like 8 months, but I finally had the first real party in my new place. i invited a couple of my friends, we drank played some video games, and socialized. it was a pretty good time. I was the last one up too, how crazy is that. well sept for Eric but he doesn't count. I think I am comfortable enough to actually have a house warming arty now. Maybe once I start the new gig that is in scottsdale. guess time will tell.

I decided not to make a new yeas resolution this year. there is just to much going on.

The Big Ditch

So decided to go see the Grand Canyon today, we also decided to take the rental mustang... I rode in the back, all the way up... Back of the mustang. It was "Cozy" lol to say the least. Once we got up there, it was Cold, and also very impressive. Its one of those things that you just have to see. I still want to Take the train from Williams to the Gran Canyon. (I so love trains, and I think that it would be such a beautiful trip. I moved here in 96 I had never seen the Grand Canyon, it was time.

We had breakfast on the way up in flagstaff, and dinner on the way home also in flagstaff, both of which were really good in my opinion, was really nice to get some time away from PHX with friends.

Nothing Left I can say.

So I haven't posted here for a while. I really lost the interest to write, with everything else going on in my life. About a week ago, my life took a drastic turn, a turn I did not see coming and had no idea how to deal with. It occurred to me, recently that letting go is one of the hardest things for me. Even after making so many mistakes, and hurting someone, its still hard for me to let go, beyond the pain, and the should have, and the could have. I want so desperately to be able to help everyone in my life and make their lives better somehow.

What I am learning is there are times when I have to let go, when I either have done as much as I can, or by my actions alone I hurt someone else. This is somthing that I cannot live with. Espically when its someone I considered my best friend. It is to late now, to late to apologize there is nothing more I can do.

Yes this post is written for you. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to drive you away. its to late for excuses, its to late to mend the fences. This is something I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Lost friends

I was fairly determined to not post anything about my weekend, but there is something small that happened... that I thought I should write about.. something that makes me both sad and frustrated at the same time.

Several months for reasons that I can't even remember now, I grew apart from someone that I considered a good friend. I feel that I reached out to this person a couple times, only to be told in no uncertin terms that my communication was no longer needed. Normally I can let this go.. I understand people often grow apart from each other, but this one got to me much more than I thought it would. This weekend While I was at Disney, I saw this person... all he could say was hi, and his focus was mostly toward someone else in our party... I thought I was over the whole thing, but it brought back up all that emotions that I had around this the first time.

I don't let alot of people in.. at least not into the real me. He was one of the few that I felt close to. at times I knew that he had to be at arms distance because that is just what he needed, but you don't really realize how much someone means till they are gone.

I also would like to say that I regret some of the things that I thought about him since that time, they were not fair and were really only to help me feel better... which they did not. mostly it was a defensive mechanism for me. I needed to be mad so that I would not be hurt.

I would just like to say. "Brian, I am sorry that we grew apart, I am sorry that I dissapointed you, I am sorry that we grew apart, and I miss the friendship that we shared at one point."

saturday's activities

OK.. Well.. its been a long day, its almost 2am sunday morning, I have to be up by like 8 so go to the show, and I am just now in the hotel room for the night...

Other than some random drama which has no bearing on this entrie, its been a pretty good day. I made it down to see my friend K she was not quite ready to go, so I just vegged for a little while. once she was ready, we went over and had what I think is the best chicken ravoli I have ever had, at a resturant near her house. I mean it was OUT OF THIS WORLD.

After the heavenly food, we headed down to newport so that I could pick up some sprinkles (cupcakes mentioned before) when we got there, K asked me if I wanted to go to the "doggie bakery" when she said that, I said yes just so I could see this place.. LOL once inside I couldn't resiste getting gizmo some a couple treats. I am betting he will like them. While we were there, I got a message from Mark a friend of mine who said that it would be cool if I would stop by and see him. He also mentioned that my other friend Paul was in from San Fran, that he was also there.

Mark works for disney, and since I had a pass I thought "why not" once I was there and parked, and in the park. I got a message saying that he was working in the hotel (this is not where he normally works lol) so I had to truck almost all the way back to the car to get to the hotel. we said hi, exchanged a few words. I mentioned my phone was WAY dead and I needed to go get a charger for it. He said he was off work at 6 and that I should come back and we could find paul and watch the fireworks. This sounded like a cool Idea to me so I left to go find a charger.

Once I found a charger I had about an hour to kill so I drove around wiht my phone plugged into the car, and I went to where I used to work. (about 30-40 minutes form disney) I sat in the parking lot there, and thought about how things used to be. How they were when I worked there. How young I was, how much different I thought about thing. I got pretty emotional, think about everything that had happened since then. I decided to drive back to Disney, on my way I was still really emotional.. I sent a text message that I realize now that I should not have. LIve and learn I guess.

I got back to the park, got the car parked and started walking toward the park. Mark said that he would be a little late, so I figured I would wander around the park for a while. after about 20 minutes or so, I looked at my phone and it became clear that it did not take much of a charge while in the car. I tried resetting it as I had in the past with no luck, after about an hour or so in the park, people watching for the most part, I got a message from Mark saying that we should meet at the little bar they have at the hotel.

I got to the bar, there were no tables So I wandered around a little my phone beeped, and died. (again) I watched the remotecontrol boats, and the smiles on the kids faces that were getting such pleasure from raming them into one another. As I wandered around, I saw someone what I SWORE was my friend paul. As I got closer, it was clear that it WAS him... he was looking at a menu, i looked over his sholder and asked if he found anything good? he turned around initally with a look that said somthing to the effect of "who the hell said that" then he saw it was me, and his expression turned into "OMG" wollowed by HOW the heck are ya.

we caught up a little, each ordered a drink, a table opened up and we sat down to talk and wait for mark. another hour or so passed, I don't know what time it was since my phone was dead, I do know it was dark out by this time thought.

We went into the park, watched the fireworks, and then fantasmic. By this time it was pretty late, and I was starving. I mentioned food, it was agreed that we should eat. jack in the box here we come.. LOL.. after eating I parted company, plugged in my phone, turned it on, and here I am, falling asleep at the keyboard back at my hotel at 2am. When I did get back here, I noticed that all the parking spots were filled with really nice VW's that made me happy to see.

SOOO tired its time for me to sleep.