lost

feeling a little lost tonight, trying to sleep. Wishing that sometimes life was a little eaiser, that direction was eaiser to find.

My new goal that seems to be working is to just laugh at everything that I can, to let go of everything I can't laugh at, and just let it be what it will be.

tomarrow is a new day, full of new adventure, and could change my life forever...

Got to have hope.

Its weird

Its weird the things that make you remember things, and how you feel about those things that you remember. I just read the profile of A friend of mine, he talks about his past and his move back to califorina. I remember how we met, and where I was the first time he moved to califorina.

I think about how different my outlook on life was, how I looked and felt about things.

I look back at my time in Kentucky, who I was and the journey of self exploration that I was on then.

I compare that to now, I know most of the things I like And don't like. I still learn somthing new every day, but I am far less concerned with what people think of me as a whole. I am much concrned about how i feel about me and enjoying whatever time I have left in the world.

Life is so fleeting, so much time I spent trying to get to that next goal that next thing that we want, we forget to enjoy the now. Recently I have been amle to take a step back, take some me time, and realize that I am done killing myself for someone else. I am going to enjoy whatever I can, and when I am with that person I am supposed to be with, I Will enjoy that time to. Right now, I am ok with who and what I am, and I am going to make sure I spend enough time on me and being happy, so that I can make it through the dark times, and still be happy.

Sending positive energy into the universe as much as I can, being a positive influance and changing my world one person at a time.

-D

life, hate, and the world

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking about the the world, and how much hate there is in it. I wonder how it got this way, how people will honk at someone who pulls over to help someone who has gotten in a accident, how someone can hate someone for reasons that have no baring on them at all.

I have started having very vivid disturbing dreams, about hate, and death, and all the uglieness in the world. I remember a time when it used to be so much eiser to just be upbeat, to ignore all the bad in the world.

I think alot of how I feel comes from being beat up by life the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that things will turn around. they will calm down, And maybe now... maybe thats the direction things are heading.

I am trying very hard to let the things I don't have control of go, and embrace the things in my life that are good, and that I should be thankful for. I have to hope that now is that time, the time that things will stabilize, and I can work on finding even more good things.

here is to keeping my fingers crossed once again.
-T

as the sun sets

as the sun sets, and the day comes to an end, I am left pondering how it is that a day can start out one way and end the complete opposite. Tomorrow will be another day, and I look forward to it. My fear has subsided, and I have again found my peace, and my smile. Calm, centered, at peace with my life.

I commit to myself tonight to move forward from here, first for me, for my happiness, for trueness to myself and who I am. I will not pressure anyone if I can help it, for any reason. I will just be me, and let things outside of me happen. I will be here, ready for everything life has in store for me. No longer the victim, no longer the odd man out. Through example being the person that people enjoy being around, being known for my smile and positive attitude. That person missing for so long, is back and I personally have so missed him.

I am no one special just a common man with common thoughts, I have lead a common life there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who has ever lived. I have loved another with all my heart and for me that has always been enough

Why do I write in these pages?

I have done quite a bit of thinking about why I right in these pages. My standard answer is I write here for me. Lately, I have lost much of my interest in writing, feeling that it caused more harm than good. Thinking that the words that I had to say meant very little, to anyone other than the other voices in my head.

I often have a very low opinion of my self. I know this. It is something that I have tried to work on lately. I feel that this is one of the things I have been failing at. Along with being a good partner, friend, and lover. I have had some pretty low points lately. In the end there are 2 choices, live with the way that things are, or make changes to make them better.

At this point, I want to continue to make changes that I think will make things better. It is taking so much more strength... more will power, it hurts, I cry, I feel like a fool, I feel like a failure. but I move on... forward... always forward... looking back when I have to, crying when I have to, picking up my foot for that next step no matter how hard it might seem, no matter how much I know that next step might change everything for the worse.

I know.... I know that in a moment, everything could change for the better, just as it could change for the worse. I hold tight to my hope, that the future holds happiness, smiles, love, and companionship.... I hope.... I will be ready

morning thoughts

I woke up this morning with a really upset stomach, I spent some time trying to get back to sleep, then I decided to turn on some music which I had done in the last several days. I think it was because I didn't want any chance of being reminded of all the stuff I didn't want to think about anymore. I normally would turn on music and then go to sleep, and the last couple days I have just felt that I couldn't.

Well I turned it on, and the following song was the first to play, I have written about it in these pages before, but right now. I had to post it again. Its rare that I find a song that has a positive message, and one that seems to apply to the feelings that I have right now.


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

the need to be needed

I was just sitting here thinking how we all need to be needed, how we all want to feel that someone wants us around. How when we leave a relationship, we fear that we may never find another one, another someone who will need and want us, another someone that will love us. For me it is espically hard, because there have not been many people in my life that I have bonded with, shared who I am with, and really felt close to. I know this is my doing, but I think it makes it that much harder to let someone go. I have created a special place in my heart for the select few that have really known me, and I am not sure there is any way to remove that, and if there was what kind of person would I be if I did?

when those people we love find other people to love, it feels like we die just a little inside, as the final pieces we cling to of still being needed fade. Its never an easy thing, and I often wish that the pain could just go away, that I could just be ok. I hide alot of my pain, inside where I think it is safe from causing issue for other people, its hard for me to let it out without going overboard. The truth is, I think I am glad that there is pain, I am glad that I hurt. because it reminds me that I am alive, I am a person participating in the human race, and that my feelings are real, and that I truly am capable of love, and worth being loved. that what I felt then, through the mistakes, and poor choices, was real, and that it ment somthing, and that even if it were for a short time, I made a difference in some elses life, ocasionally made them smile, maybe even made them feel warm and fuzzy from time to time.

doesn't make it any eaiser though, doesn't make it hurt less. it does let me see how deeply I really do love though, and that the love is powerful, and effects the world around me. I long to find love that will last forever, I look to the future with hope in who I am now, and will become, thatI am and w people will see me for who ant to be close, that I can make people laugh for the rest of my days, that I can love so deep that 2 become as 1...

I found it on top of the mountian

today I found my sence of wonder, not that it was gone completly, but today I experienced that all encompasing feeling that I used to have much more often.

it started as the sun was coming up, before you could even see it, it was lighting up the eastern sides of the rock. So far away and alright lighting the way.

what really got me though was looking at the city lights streaching across the valley, looking so uniform. Knowing people built it all. How did such a large undertaking come together so erfectly? It seems impossible when you look at it from here.

I believe the answer, one road, one street light, one house, one person, and most, importantly, one day at a time.

I think this is how I m going to focus my life moving forward. One day at a time living an being happy today, living my life as if there may be no tomatrow, you never know when it will be your time.

the last coupe days/weeks have been pretty tough.. On a lot I people, through it all, I have some memories that I will never forget. this last weekend, i had the best time at the lake/camping I think I have ever had, I was able to relax and enjoy the time with friends. I
would like to do both more.

I still believe everything happens for a reason, and that from every bad comes some good, sometimes from this distance, it just looks like dots. later someone or somthing come along to connect those dots and reveal the bigger picture.......

...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Things happen for a reason

Yesterday was bad, in fact, I put wrote the lyrics of a song that played as I laid down last night in a blog message. ya... yesterday was bad. I have had so many random thoughts lately. To me it often seems like when I am at my most lost, when I am at my most confused. Something happens to pull me out of it. I would like to think it has much to do with the promise I made oh so many years ago now, in that tiny room, on that twin bed. (as Sash stay comes on the ipod.... Dam Ipod) The promise that I would never again make it to that point that I did that night, the darkest most evil place I have ever been. When there was only one person on the planet that could have saved me, who did save me. Through all the BS, all the tears, all the happiness. This one truth will always remain. I would not be standing here as I am now, if I had not had that hand to reach out to in my absolute darkest hour.

Yesterday I made it through the day, and was able to pass out and wake up with the attitude of "Today has to be better, it cannot even be the same, it MUST be better" I have had many fears about the thoughts and feelings that I have been having, that I am slipping back into a "we will see what happenes mentality" I had been thinking I could not let this happen, but felt guilty about everything that was wrapped up in that. About 20 minutes ago, I got the sign that I had been looking for. That my decisions to move forward, that I needed to pick myself up and make things better on my own was the correct decision, it was the way back to the "right path"

I am still very much broken, I have made considerable progress in the last few months, but in all reality there are still goals I need to reach. Things that I need to accomplish. I need to finish finding me. Being happy with who I am, before I can think about anything else.

Colection of famous quotes

I am here getting ready to go to San Fransisco, been cleaning and packing. came my collection of quotes that mean something to me, and thought I would post a couple here.





I've arrived at this outermost edge of my life by my own actions. Where "I am" is thoroughly unacceptable. Therefore, I must stop doing what I've been doing.
Alice Koller, An Unknown Woman, 1982

halfway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.
Poet Dante

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol


It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon, M.D.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.
Martha Beck, O Magazine, Growing Wings, January 2004

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.
Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)


The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)


To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974


All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox, O Magazine, February 2004


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862), Journal, July 25, 1839

hidden in plain sight

I often thought how interesting it was for something to hide in plain site, and even more interesting how someone like me who; lets face it kinda sticks out. Could blend into the background, almost not even be there. so much in just this thought. So much I can't quite put into words. So much emotion wrapped up in a really small statement.

I have done a lot of thinking about how much I share, to whom, and when. There are times, where I feel like it is just better to be there. To let someone enjoy being happy, enjoy the moment. No need to bing the crap I am dealing with up. there will be a time, to share, time to be open. Now is not that time, now is the time to smile and be happy for the people I care about, let them enjoy their moment. I know that people who care about me want to help. sometimes they just can't I don't know why this stuff comes over me, how could I expect anyone to understand? It passes and then I am better again. I think a lot of it comes from how much energy I spend when I am with people, I feel its my duty to make sure everyone has a good time. Right, wrong, or crazy, its just how I am.

Whats the answer? Whats the question? so much on my mind, I suppose I should go float in the pool and just think.. a little sensory deprivation...

Ripples across the pond

This has been said to death I know. Life goes by so fast, I look back and wonder where the last 10 years went, seems like just a blink of an eye. Along the way, we make choices, ones that seem small at the time. but even the smallest stone into a pond makes ripples that echo across the water. Makes me wonder what the next 10 will bring, how many years are left.

I think back on my past, and it seems I spent a lot of time in my life helping people be happy, being there for the ones I hold the closest, sometimes to just be an ear, sometimes to be that goofy fuy that you can't help but laugh at. makes me wonder if when I need someone there will be someone there for me.

I used to wonder if people thought about life and how to make this a better place to live like I did. I understand now that a lot of people don't get much outside of themselves. I think that is sad, So much wonder can be found in people, their thoughts, and human nature. I feel like when I talk to someone, I feel their pain, their happinesses, like I lived the experience. I am coming to the understanding that this is a rare thing, that most people hear, but don't listen.

I think about all the people that have touched my life just by being there, I think that this is a big part of the meaning of life. the connections we make with people in our lifes, The smiles, the tears, the fights, the laughs. When they go, these are all the things that make that one person special, how they touched the people in their lives, and in rare cases bring together people who might not have ever otherwise met. I look back on my life and I think that is one thing I am truly lucky for, being able to have as many special people in my life as I have. The memories I have created that I hope I can hold onto for the remainder of my lifetime. I hope that when my time is up those special people will say that I made some sort of impact on their life like I know they have mine.

words and their meanings

this morning has already been a challenge, lots of random thought going through my head. Thinking about decisions I need to make and how I am going to be able to make them, if I am going to be able to make them. So as usuall I have music turned on, and on comes this song I heard 1000 times listened to the words, but today somehow it was different. Maybe it was my mood, maybe it was just timing, but it really struck me to my core.

"don't dream to far, don't loose site of who you are"
"Every so offen we long to steal to the land of what might have been, but that doesn't soffen the ach we feel when reality sets back in."
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and the perl."

I felt I needed to post this somthing to reflect on later.

late night thoughts

Ok, not as late as some of the ones I have had, but still. so I came into the office tonight, angry and frustrated. I know it was over something stupid. When I stopped and thought about it, I heard those voices from the past reminding me how I was once on the receiving end of the same thought. To forget about this and move on to a better mood so that I could go to bed, I cranked up some music from the past. I then proceeded to poke around on the internet, never a good thing for me to do when I am in this kind of mood.

Tonight, I read a profile of someone online that really intrigued me, someone who claimed they were a white night and wore their armor proudly, I was pretty sure I know this person, and debated weather I should send this person a message. I did, and got no response.

I then continued to poke around on the internet, found myself on my space, reading the site of someone who I would now consider a friend from work. We had a long talk the other day about life, the loss of innocence, and how there doesn't seem to be any moral people in the world anymore, this lead into discussions of what morality was, and how it is inturperted by different people.

I realized after that conversation that it is rare that I find someone that even thinks about these things. We have become a socity that just races from one drama filled moment to the next, there doesn't seem to be much that is truly special anymore, or any time spent marveling at the truly simple pleasures. He spoke of not feeling special in his relationship, my heart went out to him, but what do you say to someone in that position? "no really you are special in your relationship...." chances are good that not many people he will be around will even think about things like this, let alone understand where he is coming from, and that he may not be special in the way that he should be with is GF. I saw me, when I first moved away from home. The thought of meeting that one person you would spend the rest of your life with, I felt so bad for him, I know how that can feel and it is not somthing that you can prepare for, or even defend against. Its cuts quick and it cuts deep.

This person also has a twin brother, and the more I get to know one it is starting to seem that they are two sides of the same coin, one dark and one light, one the logical thinker, one the feeling. I have long been a believer that how you are brought up has a lot to do with the person you have the potential of being, and even though I I grew up with a set of twins in high school I never thought about this aspect. Having someone who is automatically that person who you are closest to, who you can and do share everything. How that must also play a huge part in your development, and how you look at life.

I feel another post coming on about how this has caused me to think about things in my life. Some decisions that I need to make, and how they will effect me.. maybe tonight, or tomorrow night I don't know.

The Past, through someone elses eyes

So once again it’s been a while since I have written in these pages. Life has taken on new meaning for me, I smile, I have energy, and I am enjoying it every day. How’s that for a change, long way from where I have been.

The reason for this post today is because I use an RSS reader here on my computer, and today it blew up. I was forced to configure it from scratch, and in so doing I got a lot of old posts from some of the blogs I read on a regular basis.

I picked a couple entries that I didn't recognize, and as I started to read, a flood of emotion came over me, remember the things that happened that caused these posts to be written, and taking a broader and more encompassing view of the events, I was able to look from a perspective that I could not have then. It’s amazing how time can change everything. How you can see things that you just could not see then.

For a while now I have been working on me, and I realize that in a lot of ways, I am two very different people. One that is friendly, sensitive, caring, and gentle. Someone who loves deepy, thinks about everything, and tries to help everyone in my life, wanting nothing more than to have people treat me like I treat them. This is who I was first and who I associate as me. The second, cold, strong, raw, strong who I had to develop because I needed to be protected both growing up and in life. For a long time I felt like this second part locked away the first, under the guise of “being protective” causing a very different person to be displayed to the world. I would also often hide behind that second part when I didn’t want to face something. When I was afraid, or just feel that I cannot deal with life.

Lately I have gotten more control over the two parts. There seems to be a more unified presence that I show to the world, blending the two parts of me. I never used to think that this was even a possibility, I do still slip and have moments as one or the other, I realize that there will always be work to do in this area, it took me a long time to develop this second part so I expect that it will also take a while to find a common ground.

if you were a color...

Ocassional you will hear jokes about this, touchy feel questions like, if you were a color what color would you be and why? if you could be any inanimate objeect what would it be. Describe your world in smells. I like to listen to really classic music and think about these questions. or like "why are we here? what is the meaning of life?" Usually I come up with answers to these types of questions for myself, the issue is that I can't ever tell anyone about the answers for fear of ridicule. That almost makes me want to cry writing that down.

Full if so much thought and opinion, how the world works, what makes people tick. So much fear to share any of these things. I already have issues with people understanding me, this is only somthing that would complicate the issue. I like to think that I am a really simple person, but any time I stop to think about it, I realize just how complex I really am. how "DIFRNT", labeled the freak for so many years and letting myself believe that, and even bo ok with it. Making the same mean comments about myself that others would make, in an effort to "laugh at myself before others could" at least that is how I justified it. Makes me want to hide from people, to just be on my own and not interact, but I force myself to be out there, to interact to communicate, No matter how much I may not want to, I know that it is nessaray for my servival, and my sanity.

When I pull away from people for long periods of time, I become very dark, and extreamly hard on my self about everything. I can look back now and see how it happens, and how it happened. even now its so easy for me to justify all these things, and even give myself reasons why that is better than being an active part of the world. I know that this is somthing that I will always battle, somthing that will always be one of my demons, one that I must be aware of all the time, no matter how tired I get. I wish I was stonger, I wish I was the person I would like to think I was. I wish I could not hurt the people that mean the most to be because of my fear......

I wish...

Emotion it always comes back to this

Its been a while Since I worte about the Softer side of things. Best way I can answer to myself as to why is that I have kinda been away for a while, not only phisically, but mentaly as well. I think that for me I get into this place where I just put all the not phisical stuff. The stuff that I cannot touch on hold until I get somthing else done. Usually its one of the things that I can touch, somthing that I can phisically relate to.

Lately its been hard to stop moving forward to write about things other than what I have been writing about. with work and the travel and having to get stuff done when I am home. It doesn't seem like there is any time for the more emotional stuff. the stuff that is more about how I feel instead of "what needs to get done".

I am seriously thinking about doing somthing fun on my own... see if it is even somthing I can do anymore, I like to tell my self that I am fine on my own, but when put in the situration... I always find someone else to hang out with. This is still somthing I think I need to put more thought into.

life and relationships.

I have been thinking about life and relationships tonight. I have come to a few realizations. I know that relationships don't go bad over night, much as the connection made between two people is not made over night... But I also think there are key moments in any relationship, from friends, lovers, co-workers, whatever; that a decision is made by one or more of the parties that may seem trivial at that moment. from as simple as "oh I don't need to tell person X about this thing, because they wouldn't care" to something more serious like "well the reaction I got when I shared what was on my mind was not plesent, so I will just not share anymore" the fact is that once a decision like that is made, the relationship changes. maybe for the good in the short term, but more than likely for the bad in the long run.

I don't pretend to believe that there is a perfect relationship. I think that every relationship has its ups and downs. the trouble that I have is that I don't know when a relationship becomes wrong, or at what point after meeting someone that it becomes right. I have to admit, that lately I have enjoyed sitting at home alone usually in the dark. When I am not working, I have taken to enjoying some TV or just sitting in the dark and listening to music.

I know that I work to much, I took this weekend to relax a little. unfortunately I was also fairly stressed out for a good part of it. I wish that I could have actually got a few more things done. but I really think that I needed to relax this weekend. I also think that I need to take a little step back this week. I know that I am going to be super busy at work. but I really need to step back and relax take some time for me and the stuff I have been putting off.

drinking

This is a subject that I don't get into very often. I took a break from drinking of any type for 4 weeks. it wasn't a big deal for me, but I felt that it was taking control of my life. I had also started drinking by myself at home. I thought this was unhealthy, which was another reason why I thought I should stop.

Now I have a new opinion, I think this is a way that I can unplug.. a way I can turn my brain off. It has quickly become something that I have pretty strong feelings about. I have also noticed that I have less tolerance for criticism in this area. This is not like me, but lately I have also noticed these kinds of feelings about other areas of my life as well.

The more I think about these thoughts the more I think it is my compensating for the past in going the oppisite way. Becoming over sensitive about to many things. To be fair and to look at all the possibilities I would also have to say that it might be from me feeling like some people are not listening to the the things I am saying as well. i will need to think about this some more, but I needed to put some of this down so I could think about this later

Copeing.... Or not....

I originally wrote this post while I was laying in bed half awake... I have decided that I wanted to re-word it.

Tonight i was talking to a good friend of mine... As we exchanged txt messages... He made a remark about my life being better recently.. My response was that I thought it was better because I had taken the time to make it better.. That I had been using this, "To get me through" losing a major part of my life, or at least that's what I told myself. Once I read this message that I had typed I started to think... Maybe this was not coping at all, maybe this was Avoiding the issue of what I was feeling and what was now missing in my life. I think that this small fact alone may have caused pain for other people that I had let into my life at that time. That really upsets me. I hate the thought that I may have caused another person to hurt. Most times I put on a pretty good front as being not phased by things. The reality is that this is my defensive reaction, That it is better to appear strong then allow someone to see what I am really feeling.

There are clearly some things that I need to change in my life. I am not sure how comfortable I am putting them here, but I do know that I would like to document them somewhere and start making some progress... there never seems to be enough hours in the day. perhaps some priority on things as well, maybe even planning out the day with time slots for some of this stuff, get into a routine to make it easier.

I know that everything is changing these days. I am both excited and afraid. I sill look forward in life with hope and a smile. but also with a bit of anxiety.


I am pretty tired now.. Perhaps more tomarrow.

few random morning thoughts

So its been a few days since I have been back from montana. I am sitting here at work, just thinking about things. listening to some good music. I can say, right now.. as I sit here. I am happy. I am not sure when the last time was that I could say that. nothing more nothing less. just happy. with where I am, life, work. right now is good...

There are of course things that I want to change... but right now.. in this moment.. happy is the word I am choosing to describe my state of being.

More Thoughts and feelings

This is a post I have been thinking about a while now... not even sure where to start... I have been thinking a lot about what I want.. and even more about what I don't want. What I don't want is to get into a situation like I was in the past, and when I say that what I mean is.. I don't want to be in a situation where I am afraid to say what is on my mind.. I don't want to be afraid to be who I am.

To be fair, I also don't want whoever I am in a relationship with, to have any of these fears. On that same line of thought, I also want the relationship I am in to be balanced in a way that we both agree on. In the past this was something I had a different opinion on.. I was looking for a complete balance of power between me and who I was with.... Now what I think I am looking for is a balance that is agreed on by me and the person I am in the relationship with.

I have been thinking about my past, and the relationships I have been in.. the highs, the lows, the mistakes, the lessons I have learned... i look at relationships others are in, and have been in. from all these things, I am trying to gather what is right for me and what is not. what I want and what I don't. what decisions I am going to make about future relationships.

I think a lot about the possibilities that I have before me... right now... the different directions I could take my life right now, the things I have already done... how far I have come, vs how far I may have to go to be where I want to be in my life... I feel I have to weigh the choices, and what each if them mean...

becasue I don't feel like I have all of the answers yet, I have chosen to work on the ME issues first. I want to loose a little weight, I want to be more active, I want to work a more normal schedule until I can make this business thing work. I want to get my teeth fixed... thats a big one... this is what I am going to try working on for the next several weeks to see if I can make progress on... I do feel like I have a better Idea of the decisions I need to make in the near future. 1. they make me smile and 2. I think I am better equipped for the decisions I need to make... this also makes me smile.

broken

I often wonder whats wrong with me... feeling like there is something wrong with my brain.. I am sitting here listening to music at work
wondering why I can't be more normal... that seems to be a theme of my life. why I could not have been more normal looking, why I always seemed to stick out??

sometimes I can convince myself that is what makes me special is that all these oddities have made me a better person... I just have a hard time believing that.

there are so many things in my life that I would like to what I call "fix".. perhaps the only way to "fix" them is to make a list, and start working on them.

I have decided to not have any alcohol for 3 weeks... I decided that yesterday, so that will put me out to august 25th. I had started taking to drinking at home alone, sometimes. That was usually followed by passing out and sleeping till the next day. its not like I was destructive or anything. but I want to make sure I can make it that long without any alcohol.. I don't think I really have a problem, but better safe than sorry I suppose.

thoughts mind dump

its been a little while since I was able to post... I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately... about life, family, friends... the people I miss, the ones I don't... people that touched my life, made me smile, and then were gone... People that came into my life, and caused hurt and pain... Those that randomly entered my life if even for a few moments, made an impact and then moved on as if it was almost planned as a message...

mostly I think about my feelings, why I feel them, what spured them. I wonder if they will change in the future, or if this is just how it will be for me and my future...

I have wondered about what is the next decision I will make... the next decision that will define my life going forward... I still listen to music when I think, I cry, I smile, I sit quietly... There are so many things that I want, I just feel like I need to find myself before I can even try to work on the things that I want... like I should make a list of thing things that I need, before I look at the list of things that I want... my problem is that its difficult for me to difference between want and need, maybe on some level they are the same thing. a want, that becomes so strong it moves into a need category. or a need that is subconscious and comes across as a want.

I read a note from my mom the other day, that relayed a story of dad's tractor catching fire while he was using it, how he was covered in soot from head to toe when she found him, and he was not feeling well... Once again this kinda pointed out to me far away they are.

I have thought about getting out of the tech field, moving into something different. I feel so tired all of the time. I think most of it comes from work. I know that there are other sources in my life right now too, but for the most part, I know that I need to get away from this place at the very least. I literally feel like it is killing me, one moment at a time. Quite a different feeling from when I started working here. how I thought this place was my home, how I had found a place that I could retire from... Not sure I have ever been so wrong about anything... it reminds me of someone looking at a cow and saying "your a frog!!" and repeating it over and over again, thinking that eventually the cow will be a frog "with enough work and process, we can make that cow a frog..." and it just does not work that way... just admit its a cow and move on....

odd analogy I know... I bet a few people I know will get it though...

I think thats about it for now.

At work.. random thoughts

So today started fairly exciting.. I found out that the software I work with on a daily basis was bought by HP. This means that I will be in for some pretty serious changes at work, the extent of these is not known just yet. No matter what happens I am keeping my fingers crossed I hope that it is for the best.

I went to lunch with caddy eric today... ate a little more than I prolly should have, but now I am feeling pretty mellow, might be other reasons for that, but its all good for now. Thought I would just update this a little since it has been a while.

I spent the weekend on the house.. I had originally planned to go to san diego, and it just didn't work out. I still need to mow the grass when I get home, but for the most part I think that I got alot of the stuff that I have wanted to done. Finally got more clorine for the pool. I put that off WAY to long. I also cleaned out the DE filter and added more dirt.... that still sounds a little odd to say..

I think I will have a few really heavy posts coming up.. but thats all for now I think.

thoughts....

laying here in the dark not knowing what to do, I find myself taking some of my own advice and putting the eletronic pen to paper. As a people we have alot of different kinds of relationships in a life time. Friends, lovers, realitives, co-workers, just common aquantances. Each of these relationships has their own set of rules that they tend to follow, nothing that may be set as formal rules, but rules none the less. you would not sleep with a realitive, and you would not invite a common aquantiance to a family gathering for example... I have said for a long time now that a relationship is defined by the people who participate in it.

Tonight I find myself thinking about what happens when a relationship moves outside the definition that they people who are participatants have given to it. Are there given consiquences? should there be? or like the relationship should it be worked out by those same people who are the participatants. This is an angle that I have not thought about until recently. I never even considered what would happen if the definition that was agreed upon by the people in it was violated. I can't even say why I never thought about it, I guess at the time it was a theory, somthing I had not tested, so I didn't have the experience to think about that angle. This is a different perspective for me. Thoughts like "for every action there is an equal and oppisite reaction" and "an eye for an eye" have crossed my mine when thinking about it. I think that the worst part is, once there is an agreement on what a relationship is and that is violated, can there still be trust? whats to say no matter how the rules for the relationship are changed, that they will be adhered to the second, third, or 37th time??

Today has been.... well it has just been.. I think that I will no longer have to work on B's Grand national, and furthermore if tonight is any indication, I will never have to speak to him again..... I really don't understand people. As much as I thought I might have, it is constently pointed out to me how clueless I really am. yet... no matter how many times I get kicked, or knocked down in life, I seem to keep standing up as if to almost say "AGAIN!".... leaves me wondering why sometimes... why do I keep trying?? I think that the best answer is in some of the things that I have written. That I truly believe that I never know what the next great thing is that might be just around the corner, that I try so very hard to remain positive about as many things as I can... no matter how hard it might be some time. Even through the times where I just want to crawl under a rock and hide... I don't... I try to stay out there, to smile, to be readdy for the next swing someone is going to take at me... To lead by example...

The more I think about it today was really backwards day, all the things I have been stressing about ended up really kinda nice today, and the things that I didn't or wasn't stressed out about all jumped up and attempted to taked a big bite out of me.

There is alot more that I have to say, this post it already to long and I need more time to sit and think anyway... I may post again about this.

thoughts on relationships

Seems to me that this subject has come up in my life repeadly in the last 2 weeks. Gay relationships to be specific. All the different types, Open, monogmous, more than 2 parties. No matter how many times this subject comes up I keep coming back to my own definition of a relationship. A relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Sure seems like a simple thought. straightforward, nothing really hidden. As long as the people in the relationship are communicating. Agree on whatever the parameters have been defined in their particular relationship, with no one getting hurt, then who cares what other people think....

If only the world worked that way, if only people were all open minded enough to see if it works for them, then that is all that really matters. outsiders don't have to understand it, just accept it. I think that our community is on the bleeding edge for the new definitions for relationships... at least I think we are the most willing to talk about it. I personally enjoy the subject, getting other opinions, hearing people say they think this or that is wrong. its interesting to let someone get all the ways that they think a certin type of relationship is wrong out in the open and then start asking questions. Why do you think that? does this have some kind of negative effect on you? is what they are doing hurting anyone? I don't do this because I am trying to be an ass, but I want people to see that narrow mindedness is somthing that leads to discrimination, segragation, and anger. In a case like this I have to ask... WHY??? it would be like me telling somone that I think it is wrong for them to wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. Ya it might look bad to me, but its not hurting anyone, and they like it. so more power to them, maybe that will be the next fashion trend (god I hope not). I know that is an odd way to compare things, but I think it fits, and after all this is MY blog.. LOL

I spent a considerable amount of time chasing an ideal when it comes to relationships... I had found someone who was my best friend, and I was going to do anything and everything I could to be with this person... Anything I could to make this person happy. For a long time I was pretty successfull. Then I decided I would like some some stuff for me... I think this is where I made my first mistake. Because I wanted to fundamentaly change the relationship I don't think that was fair. instead I should have talked to him and told him how I felt and that I thought I was not really letting him see who I really was. Instead I chose to ask for things that were outside the definition of our relationship. I then became offended and hurt when I did not get them, so I asked different ways and pushed harder and harder, untill finally we hit an impass.. I was no longer willing to give and he was not willing to give... we both had our reasons, right or wrong... but it all comes back to communication first. So the relationship came to an end, now I am faced with the thought that I may have lost my best friend to. This again was also due to mistakes that I made. I need to now figure out how to work all of these mistakes and lessons learned into my life in a way that I will not have to make the same mistakes again, and hope that our friendship is not damaged beyond repair.

I will be the first to say that I am always learning new ways to communicate, and how bad I am at communicating certain things. thinking exactly what I want to say, and then having something completely different come out. This is something that I think is driven my fear both of confrontation and loosing something that I care about, ironically this is also the cause of me loosing some of the things that I have cared the most about, which is another reason to work on the issue in the first place.

I am now faced with someone who wants to enter a relationship with me, I will admit I let things go further than I had initially planned, much faster than I had planned. I felt like I just was not ready for something so soon, (relationships have the worst timing sometimes). But I also have to say that the experience has also been positive for me. So much different, I have been completely open and honest with him from day one, telling him that I am and would be a mess, he has been honest with me, nothing shrouded in secrecy or emotion, each time I test the limit, saying exactly what is on my mind, getting a response that he thinks he can understand and responding openly and honest to me. Something I so wish I would have done with L... that is one of my single biggest regrets, followed closely by pushing him so hard for the things I knew he didn't want/wasn't ready for hiding behind the excuse of "I can make things better for him" when all I was doing was making him feel trapped, I will not deny that we have had some truly wonderful moments, things that story's are written about, also some pretty dark moments too, time I would not go back and change for fear of losing any of those memories.

I don't know what role this new person is going to play in my life in the long run, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic, I honestly don't know what will happen from here, althought I am trying to stay positive about this and the rest of my life, it would be so easy to fall back into depression with this, I have just chosen to not let it happen this time, to let things go, and just see what happens.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff now, the past several years spent climbing to the top, now I stand alone, ready to jump off into the unknown... seeing highlights of what may be in my future, wondering what adventures await me? wondering if I will be ok? wondering whats next?

wow, I think thats all I can say

sometimes I forget what all is in my journal... I have reached july 2006 where my grandfather passed away, and I just can't make it past here... tears running down my face, I am a blubbering iddiot... this is a feeling I know I need to have, but also is so difficult. I think I am gonna call it wuits for the evening and go home... maybe I will write more tomarrow, and move more of my journal here.