content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...