last night

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

Anger.

Anger... simple word, 2 sylabils, yet somthing that can be so debilitating for me. I experienced some of this last night and was able to just let it go, and now as I sit here at the airport it has hit me again.. I can understand in my head why I am angry all of a sudden, but cannot really put it into words. Its like somthing you find irrtating causing everything else that happens to a million times more fustrating than it would otherwise be.

I have kept pretty busy this last week, and I think that I am going to take a couple days and unplug from non-work stuff. turn off the outside world. I don't like feeling like this, and I think its because I have not taken enough time for just me. This and next week seem like the perfect times to take that oppertunity.. as a matter of fact.. now that I am off the phone. I think I will start right now.

I HATE BEING THIS ANGRY.

I just don't understand (work)

I don't consider myself a brilliant person, hell sometimes I think I am down right dumb. but even at that, I can take simple instructions and follow them...

Here is another one of my analogies. You tell someone "If you fill out this form and answer these questions, I will build the a car/truck/SUV for you exactly how you want it." Which would be better? A form that comes back and says "make it the same color as that car I saw on the freeway, make it have a motor like the one that was in that one car by Chevrolet, make it have as many seats as that big suburban thing that Chevy has" OR "make it green, make is have a Chevrolet 6.0 liter v-8 and make it have enough seating for 8 2 in the front, 3 in the middle and 3 in the back row." I personally think that if someone is offering you a opportunity to capture exactly what you want, you would not say things like "make it like this thing" That introduces opportunity for mis inturpertation as the builder goes to that thing and trys to decipher what exactly you want.

Then after making this part clear, they come back later... After this thing is built and want to change things. usually fundamental things... "oops I forgot this." they then don't understand when there are mistakes how this possibly could have happened. All of this would not be near as fustrating is there was any kind of back up from anyone... from my manager, to the top of the list. it should be as simple as. "this is the process, you agreed to it, you did not follow it, you do not get youf change into production." and that should be the end of the conversation. OR. We should embrase that we are a company that needs to change direction at the drop of a hat and develop a group of people that all they do is work with emergency production changes, and since all changes are emergencies, that would be all they did. I believe that this would solve the need of marketing to have somthing go out right now, and also solve the need of the business to build automation to go along with these changes, because after the push into production, this team could hand off the final product to the team that builds the sustaining automation for it to be added to the build.

I don't mean to rant about work on here. but I have to write this crap down or it will just eat me up. and I do feel better now.