am ok

today... I am ok, was nothing special about today, but I am ok. I think that I will focus on being ok for a little while, before trying other things. its been a really trying couple of weeks, and its time to just concentrate on being ok, one day at a time... heck one minute at a time. the rest will come after that, with a little Patience

tears

tears from my heart
tears from my soul
longing to again feel a part
tears caused by the hole
the tears I cry because I am a fool

i wonder why
i've said goodbye
wonder how I will live
I wonder when I'll die

why it seems a simple question
yet so many long answers
Everything for a reason
I must go on, one day at a time

it hurts so bad
I want to make it stop
thinking of what I had
thinking of what I need
it hurts so bad



a life not lived to its fullest is a life wasted.
i will do my best to now live the life I have left to the fulliest.

-Dave

fear that I may be fooling myself

Tonight, i have started to doubt the things that have kept me going recently. I want to cry. I feel like there is no reason to go on. I feel like the things that are so important to me, are not real, like I am once again fooling myself. That i am one of the few people that actually means what I say. I hate feeling useless. Why can't this be simpler? why can't people just say what they mean? Why do I choose to share when I have those thoughts that will just get me hurt again.

I wonder how I might get to sleep tonight, I am ready for this part of my life to be over. I am ready to stop being hurt, over and over again.

I am done tonight... I just need to pass out... wheres my hammer??

my side of the bed

tonight I realized that I sleep only on a certin side of the bed. and I realize its because that other side has not been "my side" its a symbol of the missing part of my life. just a random thought I guess, thought I would write it down.

Awake

Wenesday 2am, once again I am wide awake. Did the second half of my
laundry, watched the podcasts I had, updated my computer. Now I lay in
the dark, waiting for time to let me fall asleep.

Seems like this is becoming a regular thing, wish it wasn't. I would
love to fall asleep, and stay asleep for the night.

Tomarrow is another day at the datacenter, I hope I make it. I hope we
can make more headway.

Wish I could sleep, wish I could turn my brain off. Wish I could let
go...

Its weird

Its weird the things that make you remember things, and how you feel about those things that you remember. I just read the profile of A friend of mine, he talks about his past and his move back to califorina. I remember how we met, and where I was the first time he moved to califorina.

I think about how different my outlook on life was, how I looked and felt about things.

I look back at my time in Kentucky, who I was and the journey of self exploration that I was on then.

I compare that to now, I know most of the things I like And don't like. I still learn somthing new every day, but I am far less concerned with what people think of me as a whole. I am much concrned about how i feel about me and enjoying whatever time I have left in the world.

Life is so fleeting, so much time I spent trying to get to that next goal that next thing that we want, we forget to enjoy the now. Recently I have been amle to take a step back, take some me time, and realize that I am done killing myself for someone else. I am going to enjoy whatever I can, and when I am with that person I am supposed to be with, I Will enjoy that time to. Right now, I am ok with who and what I am, and I am going to make sure I spend enough time on me and being happy, so that I can make it through the dark times, and still be happy.

Sending positive energy into the universe as much as I can, being a positive influance and changing my world one person at a time.

-D