a positive update

so I have noticed it has been a long time since I have updated this. it seems to me that I don't write here unless things are bad, or I feel the need to complain/bitch, not when things are good. well lately, overall, things have been really good. This may be why I didn't write here. Fear of it ending, or fear of my happiness causing someone else to be upset or hurt. it really is the truth, the last 2 days I have had some very distinct fears, I think that fear is natural, and I hope that my fears are unfounded, and I have chosen to start talking about my fears instead of keeping them to myself.


the holidays were very good for me, filled with smiles and happiness, a few things that have been tough, but I have been very good keeping on the positive side of things, especially considering all the challenges that I have been given recently.


I again feel like I am at a transitional point in my life, i have been very satisfied with how the majority things have been going, there are exceptions of course but overall the direction I am going feels right. I feel that the next couple of weeks will either show a continuation of that, or will shake things up once again. if I look WAY forward, I see the potentially for the happiest times of my life, I will settle for nothing less. I will not wallow, I will not dwell in the sad things anymore, no matter what happens, I will be this person I have rediscovered, I refuse to go back, and I refuse to suffer by my own hand anymore.


I think about the past still, I think a lot about what might happen now, and in the future, I still have fears, but I cannot let them control me, I want so badly keep this person I am rediscovering, I can't let my fear drive me into hiding again, and I won't. I am no longer allowing myself to get swept up in the emotion of every little thing that comes up. There will always be times where I break down and cry over everything that has happened, especially in the last year. I feel that I have cried, been depressed enough. I know what I need, I have expressed what I need. I plan to do everything in my power to both hold onto what I need, and provide what the people who mean the most to me need as well, at least the best that I can without hurting myself anymore, I just can't do that anymore.