Memories

most if not all my most precious memories are tied to a smell, even
if I don't realize it at the time, there is nothing that will stop me
in my tracks faster now, than a smell from my past.

Smelled a smell tonight, stopped, cried and smiled. I have been really
lucky to have had these memories..

WOW daghtry "what about now"

wasn't really ready for this this morning...

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,

Why do I write in these pages?

I have done quite a bit of thinking about why I right in these pages. My standard answer is I write here for me. Lately, I have lost much of my interest in writing, feeling that it caused more harm than good. Thinking that the words that I had to say meant very little, to anyone other than the other voices in my head.

I often have a very low opinion of my self. I know this. It is something that I have tried to work on lately. I feel that this is one of the things I have been failing at. Along with being a good partner, friend, and lover. I have had some pretty low points lately. In the end there are 2 choices, live with the way that things are, or make changes to make them better.

At this point, I want to continue to make changes that I think will make things better. It is taking so much more strength... more will power, it hurts, I cry, I feel like a fool, I feel like a failure. but I move on... forward... always forward... looking back when I have to, crying when I have to, picking up my foot for that next step no matter how hard it might seem, no matter how much I know that next step might change everything for the worse.

I know.... I know that in a moment, everything could change for the better, just as it could change for the worse. I hold tight to my hope, that the future holds happiness, smiles, love, and companionship.... I hope.... I will be ready

Small Asian american woman

there is just somthing about a small Asian American women saying "ya
we took it up the ass on that one" that makes me giggle..

AMAZING morning

to thismorning, I am AMAZING. I started a new routine, and it has me totally amped up, and clear. its a really nice change, espically after how I felt last night, I guess we will see where things go from here.

Bed time

Been doing some soul searching tonight. A friend called, his life
fallen apart.. Talking to him, listening to music, hoping tomarrow
will be a good day.

morning thoughts

I woke up this morning with a really upset stomach, I spent some time trying to get back to sleep, then I decided to turn on some music which I had done in the last several days. I think it was because I didn't want any chance of being reminded of all the stuff I didn't want to think about anymore. I normally would turn on music and then go to sleep, and the last couple days I have just felt that I couldn't.

Well I turned it on, and the following song was the first to play, I have written about it in these pages before, but right now. I had to post it again. Its rare that I find a song that has a positive message, and one that seems to apply to the feelings that I have right now.


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

diseney land trip thoughts

So I have been thinking about it, and I think that I am ready to write my thoughts on disneyland. This year.... I had a really good time. on top of that, there was no real drama. seems really odd for me to say that, because it seemed like the two always went hand in hand.

This year I also had to make some really tough decisions, decisions that in a earlier time I would have just avoided. This last week I went through alot of, stuff. there is no real blame for anyone or any one thing as to why, but by the end of the week I felt like I had gotten crontrol of it and I was ready to go to disneyland and have a good time. This is a really important time for me, and somthing that I have decided is important to me, and that I need to do for me.

It makes me sad that I feel like I had to hurt someone I care about it to achieve my goals, but I truly believe that with everything else going on, the way things worked out was better for everyone involved, and yes I know that seems like i am making decisions for other people, but really this decision was for me, and my happieness. I feel like I don't give enough credit to that most times.

I met some new people this weekend, I got to catch up with people I don't get to talk to much that have had such a huge impact on my life, I got to smile and laugh, and just be happy. close to "the old dave" the one I miss so much. The weather was wonderful, it felt good to just be ok with everything again. its been so long.

laying here in bed, I can say. this weekend has been really nice, and coming home with an extra day off was very much worth it. I feel like I have made sugnificant progress on me, and now I can make a plan for my future, starting with smaller goals again, getting back into the swing of how the whole process works. I feel like I again have hope for the future, no matter what it might hold for me. I am starting to feel that sence of energy, of hope, of happieness just because coming back to me.

I have had been blessed to have so much love in my life, i need to remember that, I need to remember all the positives in my life all the good things. there are so many people in my life that care about me, people that mean so much to me... I just need to make sure I don't forget that, espically in the dark times.

early morning song

laying in bed listenging to music and I heard this and it really made me think...

"cause getting your dreams its strange but it seems a little... well complicated... theres a kinda a sorta of cost, theres a couple of things get lost... there are bridges you cross you didn't know you cross untill you cross. and if that joy that thrill doesn't thrill like you think it will, still with this perfect finally the cheers and the ballyhoo who wouldn't be happier, so I couldn't be happier, because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.... well isn't it...... happy is what happens when your dreams come true..."

just somthing I wanted to put in here so that I can remember, that once again, sometimes getting what you want isn't always what you need, even if you believe with all your heart that it is.

Random

Thousands of thoughts, with no way to express. So many feelings, no
way release. So many words, no way I can speak. I am hurting, just
want it to stop. There is a hole, that nothing can fill.

I want the pain to stop, I want to heal. I need to just be me for a
while, to recover from love at least for now... So I am ready for the
next time..

-D