More writing

I have decided I really need to write more, and more about the good things in life, ya there is always bad stuff to talk about, but why not write about the good stuff, the things that make me smile.. Sprocket looking at me from outside licking the window, as if to say. "Come out and play with me daddy." He sure has been a trooper lately, I think that pets know. That they sense when you need them the most and just turn it up in just the right ways.

Spent a lot of time with friends today, something that I don't write about enough. I have to say that I am pretty blessed to have the group of friends that I do, always a good time, always willing to do something... whatever that might be.

My roommate had a little crisis today, and I was able to help him out, that kinda made me smile, its seems like so long since I felt like I could do something really positive for someone else. Today, I think I was able to do that a couple times, so it made me smile.

Tomorrow I hope to have another post, hopefully with pictures, but we will see how that goes.

Fish Fry

So I just got back from what was supposed to be a "fish fry" I was thinking breaded fish deep fryed like I have seen in the past, this was actually a BBQ where they had fish and kabob's. A friend of mine invited me, and it seemed like it would be a really good way to step out of all the stuff I was dealing with and have a good time.

I have to say, it was. So good to get away, and just enjoy myself. No stress, just good people and good times. I think I need to do stuff like this more often, I think it will be important to my sanity, and help be stay grounded.

House is quiet tonight, Roomie is asleep and sister is out of town. I should crash out early, its already been a long day with my 3 hour call starting at 2am.

mmmm taco's

So I had everyone over last night for taco's and margaritas... MMMMM taco's.... and it sormed... HOLLY CRAP did it storm, I came out this morning and my double gates were blown most of the way open, and they swing apart from each other. WOW...

lost in my head

sometimes its not possible to see the way things will work out. sometimes things happen that take your breath away, that knock the wind out of your sails. but even at these times, there can be clarity, there can be explanations for things that didn't quite seem to make sense. Sometimes when you stop asking why is when you get your answer.

Tonight I hurt, seeing now more of the picture. Its hard to see how this could be ok again, but also knowing that its not something I have control over, I might be able to set some rough direction but I will not be able to see how this will be ok, it will just be one day. it is my job to hold myself together until it does, *irony* "to be strong" (seemed so easy before now) until enough time passes, until I have reached that higher ground.

one step at a time, one moment at a time. learn from these lessons, try to stay as open as possible. see the good in everything, remember that wonder of the world that I used to be so good at.

I wish it could be different, it can't, not right now. but I truly wish that it could he, and I am truly sorry for the decisions that I made. but all I can do is learn from those and not make the same mistakes again.

lot on my mind tonight, up late

So I am awake, not really tired, not really interested in going to sleep. seem to have alot of thoughts on my mind tonight. I wish that they were new thoughts. I wish that I didn't have to keep reliving some mistakes. Maybe if I learned the first time, I could not make them again.

Thought alot about being told "You always have to be right." The more I think about it the more I see that he is right, I guess I always have had to be. have to think about what that means, how it could change, or if it should change.

Not really looking forward to getting up and going to work tomarrow, but I guess thats part of the process. will game for a little while long, then will go to bed.

Not a lot to say

I have not posted much here lately, but it's mostly because I have
not had much to say. A lot has been going on in my life, but have not
really felt the need to write about it. Guess that's about it.

extention of yesterday

Wrote a bunch of of stuff in the last 24 hours, mostly song lyrics, but that is how I deal with things sometimes, i think its eaiser to hear someone else say what I am feeling, in a way that I cannot. I may post it some of it, but the general idea is that today is kinda more of the yesterday, i don't think its any worse, but not any better either.

"In the middle of my life I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost my way."

humm... seems to fit today

...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Home finally

so I am home after a 16 hour day.. I would feel better about it if
what I was working on worked.. I think I have it narrowed down.. But
now I have to talk to the storage people, who wern't in the office at 11pm, how rude...
falling asleep typing this.... Oh bed time

thoughts at work

Ya I know I should not still be here, but was listing to some music, ya I know its not a good idea in my state of mind... but this song came on, and I wanted to just put it in here.... Song makes me cry EVERY TIME.....




Every Other Friday
It's toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in?
Ok lets go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses
There are always sad
We trade a couple words and looks and kids again
Every Other Weekend

Every Other Weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It's movies on the sofa
Grilled cheese and cut the crust off
"But that's not the way mom makes it daddy" breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every Other Weekend

But I can't tell her I love her

I can't tell him I love him

Cause there's too many questions and

Ears in the car

So I don't tell him I miss him

I don't tell her I need her

He's over me, that's where we are

So we're as close as we might ever be again

Every Other Weekend

Every Other Saturday
First thing in the mornin'
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don't know why
We ever let this happen
Fallin' for forever was a big mistake
There's so much not to do, and all day not to do it in
Every Other Weekend

Every Other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother in the parking lot
We don't touch
We don't talk much
Maybe goodbye to each other
Then she drives away with every piece of heart I've got
I reconvince myself we did the right thing
Every Other Weekend

So I can't tell her I love her

I can't tell him I love him

Cause there's too many questions and

Ears in the car

So I don't tell him I miss him

I don't tell her I need her

He's over me, that's where we are

So we're as close as we might ever be again

Every Other Weekend

Yeah for fifteen minutes we're a family again

God I wish that he was still with me again

Every Other Weekend

Thoughts

so I wrote a very very angry post here... I thought about it and
decided that it would be better to just say that today I have been
broken... Today I am done.. This is not good for anyone.