Random iPod shuffle

Laying in bed, listening to music.. Confide in me by kylie mnogue
came on.. Found it interesting.

I would like to meet the programer that wrote the shuffle for
iTunes.. Would like to shake his hand.. Then perhaps kick his ass.

just some randomness before bed. Thought about going out tonight.
Between motorcycle class starting tomarrow and how yesterday went
thought better of it.

Things happen for a reason

Yesterday was bad, in fact, I put wrote the lyrics of a song that played as I laid down last night in a blog message. ya... yesterday was bad. I have had so many random thoughts lately. To me it often seems like when I am at my most lost, when I am at my most confused. Something happens to pull me out of it. I would like to think it has much to do with the promise I made oh so many years ago now, in that tiny room, on that twin bed. (as Sash stay comes on the ipod.... Dam Ipod) The promise that I would never again make it to that point that I did that night, the darkest most evil place I have ever been. When there was only one person on the planet that could have saved me, who did save me. Through all the BS, all the tears, all the happiness. This one truth will always remain. I would not be standing here as I am now, if I had not had that hand to reach out to in my absolute darkest hour.

Yesterday I made it through the day, and was able to pass out and wake up with the attitude of "Today has to be better, it cannot even be the same, it MUST be better" I have had many fears about the thoughts and feelings that I have been having, that I am slipping back into a "we will see what happenes mentality" I had been thinking I could not let this happen, but felt guilty about everything that was wrapped up in that. About 20 minutes ago, I got the sign that I had been looking for. That my decisions to move forward, that I needed to pick myself up and make things better on my own was the correct decision, it was the way back to the "right path"

I am still very much broken, I have made considerable progress in the last few months, but in all reality there are still goals I need to reach. Things that I need to accomplish. I need to finish finding me. Being happy with who I am, before I can think about anything else.

The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
about things we've gone through
though its hurting me,
now its history,

i've played all my cards
and thats what you've done too
nothing more to say
no more ace to play

the winner takes it all
the looser standing small
beside the victory
thats her destiny

i was in your arms
thinking I belonged there
i figured it made sense

building me a fence
building me a home
thinking I'd be strong there

but I was a fool
playing by the rules

the gods may throw the dice
their minds as cold as ice
and someone way down here
looses someone dear

the winner takes it all
the looser has to fall
its simple and its plain
why should I complain

tell me does she kiss
like I used to kiss you
does it feel the same
when she calls your name

somewhere deep inside
you must know I miss you
but what can I say
rules must be obeyed

the judges will decide
the likes of me abide
spectators at the show
always staying low

the game is on again
lover or a friend
admitting I was small
the winner takes it all

i don't want to talk
cause it makes me feel sad
and I understand
you've come to shake my hand

i apologize
if it makes you feel bad
seeing me so tense
no self confidence

but you see
the winner takes it all
the winner takes it all
the game is on again
a lover or a friend
admitting I am small
the winner takes it all

the winner.... takes it all.....

Mom's visit

So after the wedding, my mom and I drove down to AZ so that she could visit for a couple days. it was the first time she got to see my house as well. I just wanted to write a quick blog since she just left. having her here and getting to spend the last 5 days or so with her, really made me realize how much I miss her and my dad both. I truly enjoyed myself while she was here.

I am also glad I was able to introduce her to several of my closest friends, and that they got a chance to meet her. all these people I would talk about she was finally able to put faces with names.

Just a good day.

so today was just a good day. Cooked a awsome breakfast, my friend
Yuri called, went and hung out with him for the afternoon, I am so
happy he changed his life. He seems so much happier and full of life.
Such a different person than he was, makes me smile.

As I lay down to sleep, my final thoughts are of the adventure that
still lays before me, and how excited I am about seeing what the
future holds..

*huge smile*

weddings

Today concluded my first traditional wedding... I know now why I may not have ever really gone to one before. I feel like I avoided them, but never really understood why.

A little background, this was my cousins wedding. it was big and beautiful, she and her now husband are of the catholic faith. I think this fact alone requires that it be a large wedding, filled with family and friends.

I think I did pretty well for a while, it was when they stood in front of us all and spoke the vous that they had written for each other and I looked around to see people's eyes watering. This is when I had to start fighting back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful thing, but also because I started to realize that no matter how many things changed in the world, I am not sure that I could ever ask family to come together like this for me and someone that I cared about.

It could be because it seems wrong, maybe its because marriage has just been drilled into my head as one woman and one man. no matter what the reason it struck very deep with me, and set me into a dark quiet place, where I just wanted to think.

After the ceremony there was a 40 minutes drive to the reception, where there was going to be an open bar for an hour. (this sounded just fine to me, I could use a drink) We arrived at the restaurant Hs. Lordships, which was on the Berkley peer, and looked over the bay with a view of San Fransisco. The resturant was older, and until this point all I knew about it was that grandma remembered they had brought her a chilled the last time she had eaten here with grandpa.

I escorted mom through the restaurant and into the downstairs bar (apparently there were several) we socialized with the family and a couple people who seemed just like random passers by. My uncle Mark was there with is Partner of 10 years, Rick. I always smile when I see them, they are so good together.

My uncle asked me if I would like anything to drink, I said yes and walked with him to the bar. I didn't even have to think about what I wanted, "ya I will have a margarita, blended, with salt please" I was a little strung out at this point and the alcohol would help keep me calm.

We were downstairs for about 45 minutes before they were ready for us. My mom had 3 mi-tai's in that time, and later said "I only drink like this at weddings" which really hurt, because I felt that it could very well be because she thought she may never get to go to a wedding for either of her children.

The night progressed, I stayed pretty quiet, at one point being told "I looked like the security of the party" but I will cover that in another post. I took as many pictures and movies as I felt I could, posed for anyone my mom wanted to take pictures with and made sure that I was there for her as much as possible. She ended up haveing a few more drinks and was quite happy, but I think she had a good time and that is what matters most to me.

I have let this post get a little out of control so I am going to close it up, at the end of the evening, I took mom and grandma home, the drive was quiet. and not I am here left with my thoughts, and how I will work this into my life. it was a really good night but also had tones of deep thought, and some sorrow. I know its not his thing, and that he is still recovering, but I really wish dad could have been here too.

With that, I am going to sign off for the night.


, and that what I was watching would never be me. No matter how much I wanted it.

The protector

Tonight one of my cousins mentioned that I looked like the security of
the party.. That got me to thinking. At that moment I was making sure mom
got to and from the restroom safely. It occurred that this is a role
that I tend to fall into fairly easly.

Further i think I step into it because I feel I need to. Like it is my
purpose, having the size to be a natural protector. Maybe I should do
security on the side..

Colection of famous quotes

I am here getting ready to go to San Fransisco, been cleaning and packing. came my collection of quotes that mean something to me, and thought I would post a couple here.





I've arrived at this outermost edge of my life by my own actions. Where "I am" is thoroughly unacceptable. Therefore, I must stop doing what I've been doing.
Alice Koller, An Unknown Woman, 1982

halfway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.
Poet Dante

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol


It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon, M.D.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.
Martha Beck, O Magazine, Growing Wings, January 2004

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.
Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)


The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)


To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974


All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox, O Magazine, February 2004


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


There is no remedy for love but to love more.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862), Journal, July 25, 1839

Things happen for a reason.

So today certinaly has been a day.. Week even.. And it's Tuesday...
Watched the movie sex in the city tonight.. Didn't have any desire to
see it when it first came out but for some reason when my friend eric
asked me to go it sounded good...

Well there were parts that made me cry, made me laugh, made me angry,
and made me feel alone.. All emotions i needed to feel.

now.. At home typing this in the dark, listening to some music,
thinking about the day.

I talked to the intern today about love. He mentioned that he thought
he got hurt to easy... Without thinking I said "I used to"....

It was at that moment I realized how much of me I had actually lost..
How far I still have to go.. I wish we could re-capture innocence...
Or warn our younger selves... On second thought, there's no way we
would or could listen to ourselves...

A reason for everything even if we can't see it now.. From this
perspective life often looks like a bunch of dots, not the beautiful
mural of the cistine chappel that it really is.

Ok so I did it... iPhone

So for people who don't know I got an iPhone.. Yes I was one of those people that waited in line for the apple store to open, just for like 2 hours though.... For someone who has been a windows geek, and someone who may have had made fun of those with the stem from time to time.. I have to say that this may be the beginning of my conversion to the stemmy side of life..

I am already thinking of my next apple purchase... LOL

in late

So I came into work tonight, it was just easier, had some issues with some software that I was working with at home, and was not able to fix it there. I also have a head full of junk rumbling around and just needed to get away from the house.

I feel like I have been pretty productive tonight, at least as far as work goes. I think its time to spend some energy picking up some stuff I have neglected though, I think I may try and do that after work tomorrow... well today technically I guess.

At least I got done what I had planned to get done for work. I may do this more often, its really quiet here and I enjoy the time alone.. the house seems to be kinda full lately.. well more later I suppose

As I pulled into work fromt he gym , I heard this song. I sat and listened, cried and came back into work, had not heard it before today.

linkin park
leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are