I've learned

I've learned that somthing that seems to mean so little can change ones life forever

I've learned that sometimes somthing said in passing can stay with you forever and shape the decisions that you make.

I've learned that it only takes one sentance to make you wish the rest of your life you didn't say it

I've learned that it only takes a moment to hurt someone you love, and leave a mark on them for a lifetime

I've learned that I am responsible for my actions no matter how I "feel"

I've learned you can keep going long after you think you can't

I've learned that its ok to breakdown, to cry, to feel week and powerless. Its part of being strong the rest of the time.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that to truly forgive is not easy, and takes practice.

I've learned that I can't make someone love me.

I've learned that being someone worth loving is eaiser, then believing it.

I've learnd that no matter how good a friend someone is, there will be times where they hurt you, and that to be a true friend, you have to forgive them and move on.

I've learned that somtimes it is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to be cruel.

I've learned that no matter how badly my heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for my grief.

I've learned that trust takes time to build, and moments to be destroyed

I've learned that two people can look at exactly the same thing and see somthing totally different.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking can ease emotional Pain.

I've learned that the people you care the most about are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that if I can make one person laugh every day, I am helping do my part to make this place a little nicer to live.

I've learned that people will take advantage of my good nature, but this will not stop be from helping people in my life in any way that I can. Some of those people reach out an open hand, to say thank you, that makes it all worth wile.

a Day unexpected

Today started out fairly stressful, I knew there was a big meeting. Somthign they call an "all-hands" alot has lead up to this meeting. A lot of changes, in orginization, in policy, things people didn't understand, rumors that were running rampant. The unfortunate thing is that after you hear 4 or 5 people say the same thing rumor or not, you start asking yourself if they might be true.

Even today the rumors became MORE out there as the meeting aproached, that there was going to be some big announcement, that we were all going to be out sourced. long story short, there was no announcement. Further, the CIO addressed all the rumors that I had heard. He also asked for questions about the change in policy and answered directly and honetsly each question, no matter how repettitive, no matter how much it was asked out of anger. There was no beating around the bush, ther was no evading. I think I have decided to send him and e-mail with my thoughts on everything. perhaps I will start composing that tonight.

Coming home, I was tired, mentally more than anything. I worked on the evap cooler on my house for a little while, got it all tuned up so that it worked much better. I used the time think think about things, time spent working on me. I feel like I ma finally making visiable progress. I came down off the roof feeling very numb. like I has spent to much energy on the day, and that I just wanted to unplug. I realize that I use that term alot, but I have found ways to actually turn off my brain and the thinking.

I decided to sit down in the office and collect the days thoughts as I listened to some music. before I fired up I-tunes, I checked e-mail and myspace (I hate that it has become a habbit) read a little, when I did finally open up I-tunes, I browsed over the music, and was drawn to a song called "Hands Held High" by linkin park. I realized that I had not heard this one, which is on the minutes to midnight CD. i turned it on and the first 3 notes told me. "this was going to be different" As I listened, I was left without words, or emotion. Now, and tears stream down my face, I can't understand why. I do know that this song spoke to me on a very intimate level. Somthing that has started to happen to me more and more espically with music.

A new part of my life, I am excited, scared, optimistic, and most of all, happy. Both with direction and progress. I wish some things could be different. But I know that I have to accept the bad with the good, the laughter with the tears. Never forget the past or where I came from. but don't let that hold me back from where I am going, from reaching for the stars and my goals.

The Past, through someone elses eyes

So once again it’s been a while since I have written in these pages. Life has taken on new meaning for me, I smile, I have energy, and I am enjoying it every day. How’s that for a change, long way from where I have been.

The reason for this post today is because I use an RSS reader here on my computer, and today it blew up. I was forced to configure it from scratch, and in so doing I got a lot of old posts from some of the blogs I read on a regular basis.

I picked a couple entries that I didn't recognize, and as I started to read, a flood of emotion came over me, remember the things that happened that caused these posts to be written, and taking a broader and more encompassing view of the events, I was able to look from a perspective that I could not have then. It’s amazing how time can change everything. How you can see things that you just could not see then.

For a while now I have been working on me, and I realize that in a lot of ways, I am two very different people. One that is friendly, sensitive, caring, and gentle. Someone who loves deepy, thinks about everything, and tries to help everyone in my life, wanting nothing more than to have people treat me like I treat them. This is who I was first and who I associate as me. The second, cold, strong, raw, strong who I had to develop because I needed to be protected both growing up and in life. For a long time I felt like this second part locked away the first, under the guise of “being protective” causing a very different person to be displayed to the world. I would also often hide behind that second part when I didn’t want to face something. When I was afraid, or just feel that I cannot deal with life.

Lately I have gotten more control over the two parts. There seems to be a more unified presence that I show to the world, blending the two parts of me. I never used to think that this was even a possibility, I do still slip and have moments as one or the other, I realize that there will always be work to do in this area, it took me a long time to develop this second part so I expect that it will also take a while to find a common ground.

saind please

can't you see that I'm sick of this
chances are you are oblivious
to how I feel sitting on your throne
and I'm sure that I'm not alone,
not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political and please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
and its starting to come from within
but it's obvious that doesn't bother you, so please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
now I know what you're all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you're not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings.

Swallow all your anger
I've swallowed all my pride
you used up all your chances
to keep this all inside
tell me please.

So please don't be telling me that its ok
I don't buy all the shit that you say
and quite honestly I'm fucking
sick of it so please if I cut off this nose from my face then
I wouldn't feel so out of place but it still
wouldn't be quite enough for you, so please.

The French press

It has come to my realization lately how many people don't know what a french press is.

Then it hit me, With the starbucks generation we have going on most other types of making coffee have really been pushed to the back burner.

A French press consists of a narrow cylindrical jug usually made of glass or clear plastic, equipped with a lid and a "plunger" which fits tightly in the cylinder and which has a fine wire or nylon mesh acting as a filter. Coffee is brewed by placing the coffee and water together, leaving to brew for a few minutes, then depressing the plunger to separate the coffee at the bottom of the jug.

Well, I have started drinking french press coffee, and I have noticed a few things. First and formost is that it seems as thought I get alot more caffeen. it also seems that the flavor is much maore smooth, getting the crem (little brown ring) like you do the expresso without having to pressure brew it.

anyway, thought I would post here, I think that I am going to apolish the coffee maker to the junk drawer and go straight to a frensh press... Thats how much I like it

"Affirmation"

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you

I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem

I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality

I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair

I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness

I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists

I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Prince Puppy

So I have not written much about my new puppy, who is quickly becoming not so puppy-ish. I have not written about him much due to the frustration and really the anger, I have had with him. It seemed that no matter what I tried I was met with things that aggravated and frustrated me. Last night I played with him for at least and hour or so and realized that there was no drama. This is due to in part him growing up, but also due to me finding patients, and also several talks I have had with Brian my new roommate. Ya I give Brian crap about not being real bright from time to time (just being mean of course) and we mess with each other from time to time, but when it came to pets, he really has a connection that I don’t understand. After just a few minutes with Sprocket, he was able to make him behave and was quite present. I am sure that a lot of my anger and frustration comes out in my actions and I don’t even realize it. (ya ya I know I can already hear people saying “TOLD YOU SO”) lol

I think that I will start posting more pictures of Sprocket. He is a cute dog and attracts attention wherever we go. I hope to have him leash trained by pride, I think that would be a lot of fun, guess time will tell.

you can't go back

I have thought about this statement alot in the past year, off and on most of my life actually. It amazes me how one decision can mean nothing or can change your life forever. I look back on my life and see how much I didn't know. makes me wonder how things would have been different if I had the information I should have at the time that I needed it.

if you couldn't tell this is one of those rembeling posts. have had alot of feeling lost recently. Those feelings of helplessness sneaking up on me. So far I have been able to keep them at bay.

today I updated my myspace profile, as much as I don't like the site, it has gotten better recently. I am hesitating adding a "the past" photo album. I want to, but am not sure if I am that stong. I let myself get rapped up in the past to often. I don't think that it is really a good thing to do it all the time, I also feel that I need to remember from time to time. Espically those times when I have forgotten where I came from, where the road took me.

I got a new Phone recently, its a nokia... reminds me of the one I had when I went to kentucky. So many years ago. That part in life is the one thing that makes me think, picking up and moving somewhere might be the best thing for me. Usually that thought passes. Espically when I look around and see what I have acomplished, and espically my friends.

I miss several key people that I have had the oppertunity of knowing. People who have made some kind of impact on my life. Its really sad how we can drift apart from people that we care about, people that mean so much to us at points in our lives.

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