a day for writing

have done alot of writing today. bout thoughts, even brain dumping at one point. truth is, none of it is stuff that I want to be in here, its ugly and doesn't represent who I am and who I want to be. It is how I feel sometimes, but it is not somthing that I want to be, therefore I have removed it.

I hope to have more to write about soon. I did get the 510 going, which made me pretty happy. I have started a new regimine. if nothing else I will post progress here. hopefully once a week.

3/25/2008 noon 267.8

Another Beautiful Day

When you were just a child of eight

You were taught you were not to deviate

Only one way to heaven but half a million ways to fall

Well we can alienate the strange and the odd

As long as we're one nation under God

He might love me but you're his favorite of all

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

We can hate the Jews and the blacks and the fags

As long as we pray and salute the flag

And fall on our knees to a Jesus who looks just like you.

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

They blessed your soul and told you to travel

Dressed in polyester for a God made to grovel

Your a man on a mission I wish you could save

yourself

And it's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day

It's another beautiful day In the land of the free

not sure exactly how I got here.

today started out so well, had a really positive attitude, and now I find myself sitting here only thinking how I want to get away and hide form the world. I feel so depressed, it has just kinda set in on me. I am fighting back the tears. where did it all come from. why am I feeling like this. I don't have any ideas, or thougths. I just want to hide.. to get away, to be alone. right now I feel like I just need to get out of town and just go be alone somewhere. whats wrong with me. maybe its time to look into medication. seems like I am all over the place lately. even more than usual. it almost seems that I need to be in crisis to be able to function. I am so tired of this, tired of being this way, tired of being a emotional burden.. I need to do somthing

tired but not sleepy.

So the last 2 days I have been pretty productive. and now I find myself tired but not sleepy. thinking about what I have gotten done recently, its like I found the motivation that has been missing so long... at least the motivation to do some stuff for me. I look forward to having the 510 going again. just need to get it emissioned and registered. Then I can drive it again.

direction and motivation for me are so wonderful when I have both. Garage is claen, cars are in all neatly, things are organized. house is even clean.. I have a few things to put away, and thats it. it may not be much but its visable and it means alot to me.

More later, listening to some music and time to try and sleep again

Adventures at the supermarket.

I have re-written this post like 3 times now, and each time there ends up being so much anger, that I think this time I am going to only write about the stuff that REALLY REALLY made me angry, and none of the frustrating stuff. Maybe later I will go back and write about the frustrations while actually at the store or at the checkout stand or at customer service.

For now I will just focus what happened AFTER the customer service counter... the trip from the customer service counter TO THE CAR....

You know until today, I thought the only real place that things could really go wrong are in the store, or at the check stand or even at the customer service counter... never did I ever think that there could be such issues with actually getting to the car.

Against my better judgment we went to Safeway that was a little distance from my house. When I say we I mean me and my new roommate Brian. I believe this was my first mistake. After getting through the store and the check out and the customer service desk, we headed for the door. He got close enough to the door for the doors to actually open... then his cart just stopped... immediately after that my cart stopped... like would not roll... looking at his cart I could see one of the front wheels had locked. At first I thought this was kind of funny, mine was locked too. Then as I started to realize what was going on, I started to become irritated... apparently there is some kind of time limit between when you check out and when you go through the door before the cart become immobile. All I knew was that I had 200$ with of groceries that I had just paid for and now I could not get them out of the store. They called for the cart wheel unlocker lady, and she came over and unlocked Brian’s cart, and unlocked mine... which promptly re-locked......

This is the next think I heard... "Well just tip it up on its back wheels..." I really think this is what did it for me... 200$ in food that I could not get out of the building and she tells me... oh just tip it back on its back wheels and roll it out to your car. This spun me into a new level of rage, which prompted me to want to tell them... NO... you just refund all of my money and I will go somewhere else. I think one of the only things that stopped me, was knowing I would have to go through this whole process somewhere else, and I was not sure I could handle that... it was a really ugly end to an otherwise wonderful day... think its time to have a couple hundred drinks...

day of accomplishments.

So today, I finally spent some time and got a bunch of the stuff I have been trying to get done... actually done. Cleaned the garage, fixed the 510, fixed the irrigation, poisoned the weeds (again) and sealed all the leaks in the irrigation... Even Squeezed in some time for shopping (more on that later) and some WOW.

thought that I would put that all down here so that I could remind myself that I could actually get things accomplished from time to time. Now I just need to do something with the motors in the garage, get rid of them or put them in something. I think that gives me something to do in the future.

I have actually thought about this, and I think that I leave things in my life that I know that I can fix solely for the purpose of being able to go and fix them and feel that since of accomplishment when I am struggling the most with things that I know I cannot change. Things that I know I have no control over, or that I have utterly failed on. One more way of staying out of the darkest places of my conscious and subconscious.

Odd thoughts to have. Humm oh well.

if you were a color...

Ocassional you will hear jokes about this, touchy feel questions like, if you were a color what color would you be and why? if you could be any inanimate objeect what would it be. Describe your world in smells. I like to listen to really classic music and think about these questions. or like "why are we here? what is the meaning of life?" Usually I come up with answers to these types of questions for myself, the issue is that I can't ever tell anyone about the answers for fear of ridicule. That almost makes me want to cry writing that down.

Full if so much thought and opinion, how the world works, what makes people tick. So much fear to share any of these things. I already have issues with people understanding me, this is only somthing that would complicate the issue. I like to think that I am a really simple person, but any time I stop to think about it, I realize just how complex I really am. how "DIFRNT", labeled the freak for so many years and letting myself believe that, and even bo ok with it. Making the same mean comments about myself that others would make, in an effort to "laugh at myself before others could" at least that is how I justified it. Makes me want to hide from people, to just be on my own and not interact, but I force myself to be out there, to interact to communicate, No matter how much I may not want to, I know that it is nessaray for my servival, and my sanity.

When I pull away from people for long periods of time, I become very dark, and extreamly hard on my self about everything. I can look back now and see how it happens, and how it happened. even now its so easy for me to justify all these things, and even give myself reasons why that is better than being an active part of the world. I know that this is somthing that I will always battle, somthing that will always be one of my demons, one that I must be aware of all the time, no matter how tired I get. I wish I was stonger, I wish I was the person I would like to think I was. I wish I could not hurt the people that mean the most to be because of my fear......

I wish...

When you come back down

Heard this on random while at work, thought I would post it.

You gotta leave me now
You gotta go alone
You gotta chase a dream
One that’s all your own
Before it slips away

When you’re flying high
Take my heart along
I'll be the harmony
To every lonely song
That you learn to play.

When you’re soarin through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every change you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I’ll keep look up
Awaiting your return
My greatest fear will be
That you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire

I’ll be the other hand
That always holds the line
Connecting in-between
Your sweet heart and mine

I'm be strung out on that wire
And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angle you were born to fly
And if you get to high
I catch you when you fall
Catch you when you fall

Your memories
The sun shine
Every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel let me help you with your wings

When you’re sorin through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down

Take every chance you dare
I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

One last breath

Please come now I think I’m falling

I’m holding on to all I think is safe

It seems I found the road to nowhere

And I’m trying to escape

I yelled back when I heard thunder

but I’m down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over

Reflecting on all of my mistakes

I thought I found the road to somewhere

Somewhere in His grace

I cried out heaven save me

But I’m down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain’t so far down

i'm so far down

Sad eyes follow me

But I still believe there’s something left for me

So please come stay with me

‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me

For you and me

For you and me

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Reflecting on all of my mistakes

I thought I found the road to somewhere

Somewhere in His grace

I cried out heaven save me

But I’m down to one last breath

And with it let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

That maybe six feet

Ain’t so far down

Music

I do a lot of thinking and talking about music... I am not sure why but the part that I seem to always forget is how also therapeutic it can be. Last night was rough for me emotion wise, and this morning was full of anger. From the dog not coming out of his cage when I opened it and when I turned around to open the door having him come out and pee right on the floor.... to my new roommate having his ex whom he just broke up with stay the night. I drove to work thinking that today would be a long one. Once I was here, (about 6:10 or so) I put turned on the I-pod and looked through my play lists. The event by Tony Moran caught my eye (thank you rich) I had forgotten I had put it on my I-pod, after buying the CD several months ago. I am not into track 3 and a quiet calm is settling back over me. I wish that I could remember this more often. Music doesn't have to be sad, it doesn't have to hurt or be stuck in the past. I have plenty that is just good.

On the lighter side, I am actually looking forward to going and working with Rob tomorrow, he sent me a message saying he has had some relationship crap going on (seems to be going around) and that he has been working long hours. I have always enjoyed hanging out with him; although it has been a while it’s a quiet good time. Usually filled with laughter about all kinds of geeky stuff, something that I usually don't find outside of work. Makes me sad too, because he deserves to be happy. One of those genuinely good people.

change

Sometimes somthing that hits you all at once, sometimes so constant that you don't even know it has changed until you look back and see just how far you have come.

Today has been a long day, alot of emotions. I laughed, I cried.. I reminised. Away from all of that, I take away 2 things. Change and Perspective. Change is constant, no matter what it is, even if only seems to be time. Perspective on the other hand, can be constant but also can chane the feeling and meaning of almost anything.

Its easy for me to forget these two things. Seems like I need to be reminded over and over again. and each time I learn them, I take a little somthing extra away. I want so much to live the life that I think about in my head. I want to believe that I am a good person, I want to be so much more than I am.

It just seems like real change is just out of my grasp, I will keep trying though, and eventually will get to where I want to be. I think I will have an even more lofty goal by then though, guess we will see.

Difficult words

Lately I have found it hard to write in here. I feel like a hypocryt. I got everything I asked for and fucked it up. Now, I am having issues picking myself up learning from my mistakes. Its somthing so easy to visualize, but I have never seemed to take into account the crippeling effect of the emotion that comes with failure.

I heard somthing the other day about my sign, and it struck me to my core. I heard someone say, Aquarius, their phrase is "I know" you never have to tell them anything because they know. I looked at my life and immeadetly began having flashbacks of when that was exactly the case.
This is not who I want to be...

I am listening to that song again, "just be" makes me cry EVERY time. So much I want to change. I hate myself for some of the stuff I have done recently. I ask how I got here, the reality is that I got here one step at a time, and that is exactly how I am going to have to get to the next place. Sounds so easy.... all you have to do is get up off the floor and start walking, somthing that seems so impossible now.

I know you read this, and I want to say to you, that I am sorry, for everything. I am also sorry you could never tell me how you felt, and I wish every day that you didn't have to "deal with me" like you have. I thought I could, and now wish there was somthing I could do to help you, but I think that may be the cause of the pain...

random...

To whom it may concern,

I'm not a perfect person. Theres many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never ment to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go. That I just want you to know. I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you.

I 'm sorry that I hurt you, its somthing I must live with every day, and all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears, thats I need you to hear, I found reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. The reson is you.

to a friend that I have lost...

For a long time I hoped that I would find a way to be a part of your life again, hoped that the time we shared back then was more than just a passing moment. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I am now very convinced that you came into my life so many years ago now for a reason. I look at my life and the biggest parts that are not family related, and I am not sure I would have any of it if it wern't for you.

I am laying here in bed listening to a song that has reminded me of you. I hope that your life is bringing you everything you could hope for I send virtual hugs to you wherever you are.

"like a priceless jewel burried in dark layers of soil and stone, earth radiates her brilliant beauty to the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home and experience is as a place to visit and play with reality. You are becomig aware of yourself as a game master...

Embracing the goddes energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life, a vision that inspires you to live and love on planet earth.

like a priceless jewel burried in dark layers of soil and stone, earth radiates her brilliant beauty to the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home and experience is as a place to visit and play with reality. You are becomig aware of yourself as a game master..."