Home, alone

been a little while since I posted here, home alone. Watching Spiderman 2. heard a song that I wanted to write it down, seemed to fit.



"you tried so hard to be someone, that you forgot who you are. you tried to fill some emptieness till all you had spilled over. now everythings so far away that you don't know where you are. all that you wanted, and all that you had, don't seem to much, for you to hold on to. "

Today, I am happy

I woke up today, was in the kitchen, I looked around at the house, looked out the back windows, and thought. "Today I am happy" been a long time since I have been able to say that. thought this was sugnificant enough to write down here.

thoughts

so apparently at work I am going to be left to my own thoughts. Since its really the clients money I don't have a problem with this. It does afford me the opportunity to think. sometimes this is good sometimes this is bad, today I think its good.

I wrote this morning, then I read. looking back at things. I have written alot of words lately. I feel like I my blog, much like me doesn't really have a direction. I think that I may reduse the amout that of words that I put into this blog, get back to making them more meaning full instead of just words. Alot of what I have written is important stuff, but alot of it was just to fill the void I felt I think, I keep trying to fill it with something, when I think what is best would be to try to understand that it is a void and will have to heal in its own time.

I often wonder if I am messed up in the head. wonder if there is something wrong with me that causes these things to happen. I think that there are prolly a good amount of people that think like from time to time. wish I could make them stop.

UG what a night.

I almost posted this last night, but I thought that I should think about it a little while first. lately it seems like any thing that I do is riddeld with things that either hurt someone I care about, of are mising somthing that should be glaringly obvious. Or are just not thought through, or in some cases are just plain stupid. Its like the thinking part of my brain has gone on vacation and left me here to fend for myself.

My thought last night was to just take time away from everything and try and figure it out. Its seems though that I do that alot, and often times end up more lost than I started. gonna try a different approach this time. I think I am going to approach these things head on, each one of them. accept the responsibility for the actions I have taken and then change them. If it causes more issues then maybe it is the wrong choice.

The theme the last couple of weeks for me has been change I think this is a good place to inact that.

The next week and a half

The next week and a half should bring on some interesting changes and events for me. Some I am ready for, others I am apprehensive about. I did some thinking about how I ended up feeing the way that I did last night. Came up with some stuff that I am not really comfortable with. one of those When all options have been explored, what is left is most likely the truth. Scares me a little bit to be brutally honest.

Today I ran across something I sent myself, that I would like to put down in writing here. Something I took off a magnet that was on my friends refrigerator.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams live the life you've imagined

Regardless of how I got here, I think this is a good theme for my future, anyones future for that matter. Yes your decisions, and your mistakes should be learned from, but in the end we are really here to enjoy our short time here. I would really like to be a person who can follow this statement, someone that could really work this into their lives.

There are even times that I think I have been this person, having an dream and following it. at least for short periods of time.

Progress........ finally.....

So I am getitng ready to leave the customer for the day. I was finally able to perform the upgrade I have been working on for what seems like months. better yet it looks like things went fairly well. Made really good progress today, and I think I can finish up tomarrow.

I do believe that much of this has to do with the fact that I am still carrying with me a great deal of the disconnected feeling. I feel a little better now, but am still not really with it socially. I find it fairly easy to focus on work this way though, which today is what I needed. I hope when I go back to the hotel and relax that I will feel better. if not one more day, then I head back to phoenix... At least I hope this time.

So disconned tonight

At the airport waiting for my flight. Feeling so disconnected like everyone and everything around me is not in th the same time and space. I feel like I am an observer on the outeside of the hustle and the bustle.

It is truly an unsetteling feeling. Its exactly what I picture feeling like when I say I need to disconnect.. This is what I picture that feeling like.

Its a lot like that song I wrote about not to long ago. "Have you ever walked throug a room and it was more like the room passed arround you?"

I have the ipod on random.. All 4000 songs randomly seleced... I think my ipod knows me.. When I do this it seems to play just the right thing. So far 4 songs no word in any of them. Almost to say "I know no words would help, how bout some soothing music." Curently playing.. Enya The sun in the stream.. It souds like pipe music.. I truly enjoy it.. Very soothing.
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Home home on the plane..

So I am tired of flying.. I am fairly used to it now, and can make this trip pretty easy. It just does not seem right to spend so much time on one. I guess I have taken care of that now, just a random thought that crossed my mind.

I am not looking forward to coming back to seattle on sunday night. But I think it will be all right. Hope to do the upgrade on monday and spend tuesday workin out the bugs. At least that's what I am hoping for. I want to leave them happy. Its been a rough upgrade for them. Would be nice to leave on a positive note.

More detail on the future plan

Detail on the plan for the future. I was talking to cam today, the subject of pets came up. I have bee thinking I would get a puppy after I get resettled away from travel n stuff. Would help serve the purpose of keeping me active and help keep me from jumping into a relationship just for the companionship. On that theme of being ok with me before trying to be ok with someone else in my life.. I have done it before and I feel confident I can do it again.

These thoughts make me really miss cruiser and to a lesser extent gizmo (mostly cause he ate my stuff lol oddly only the leather stuff. Dam S&M dog lol)

I have also been thinking that I would prolly reduce how much I have been driving. I plan to go on A very strict budget starting February 1. Get out of debt like totally other than the house.

Pay down the tangerine and roll it into into the house, sell the jetta to mom and dad finally. Ramp up the 401K maybe even start an IRA. I would like very much to stay at this new job 10 years or more..

On that note I think its time I work on my degree again, and go into management. Its really the way I feel myself being pulled. And the next logical step.

There you have it some more detail for my future.. I am still working on steps. I have to get done traveling before I van make to many more detailed plans.

Plane races.

Ok so this is the third time I have taken off from SEA at the same time another plane is landing. It looks like the pilot of southwest if trying to race.. He always seems to catch the other plane half track.... These Southwest people are fun...

Plad cordoroy is makin a comin back..

No really.. I wish I was joking.. The last 2 flight I have see 2 people wearing what I can only describe as "hip corduroy" if there was such a thing. They are jeans that are made to look like cords, the died several shades of blue whit and light brown.

I believe that the idea is to make them look worn. In direct light they look like plad corduroy, and they are gaining popularity... *shudder*

Ok that's a new one

On southewest again. As I mentioned before its not assigned seating so we are boarding and the flight attendadent says... "Every seat on the plane................ *long pause* ........ Is going to phx tonight." I found that funny. Then the male flight attendant whom I thought was quite cute says.. "To the back of the plane.. The back of the plane lands first. Everyone sitting in row 23 or higher will get a free drink tonight." I laughed at that too and almost moved.. No not really. But I am easily entertained I guess.

Yeah off to phx.. And then back here sunday night.. Long story.

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one crack berry to rule them all.

So I went on the rant today, about what I am gonna do when I leave here, will have to install the blackberry server at home, get exchange, hook it up to my web mail. This is when it hit me, how much I have worked this little device into my life. its not as flashy as the windows mobile, or the i-phone. it does, however do everything I need it to.. (we are not discussing service at this time) would be nice if I could watch flash on the web, but no phone does that real well. Maybe the i-phone and you-tube.

so anyoo.. in my rant I went on to say... well a whole bunch of nothing and ended with "Yes one crackberry to rule them all" This is when I decided I had to much coffee today. Water the rest of the day for me.

Construction in seattle...

Construction in seattle... Now I have seen everything.

This post has been a couple weeks coming now. the customer I am working at here in seattle, had construction going on next door. its a tear down and re-build. in the time I have been here I have seen them remove mud and water throughout the job site and replace it with dry dirt 4 or 5 times.

no actual progress mind you..
but at least they are doing something. makes me wonder how any construction gets done here in Seattle.

Time alone

so I have had time to spend alone lately. So far I think its been good for me. I look forward to the changes coming in the next month or so. getting a chance to start over with alot of things. a chance to make changes for me. I have actually started mapping out steps, and I think I will post them here once a few more things fall into place. I want this year 2008 to be the year that I fix the last of what has been broken with me for so long. I would love to see 200 lbs again. I would really like to start trying new foods that I in the past have not liked. I would like to have 2 cars in the garage that I can actually drive. To have a yard that I don't have to be embarrased about (no comments from anyone who says "Your yard is just fine"). I would also like to take the time to decorate the inside of my house and make it more than just plain walls.

These are the highlights. details will come in the following weeks.

I think I can smile again, and if not now, then soon. for no reason. I remember those days, that I was just happy. it bugs me how I can slip into places where I have to think about smiling.

soon I think. soon I will be back there. I really look forward to being home again.

*smiling* now, and not having to think about it. just need to make that a more often thing now

Songs of meaning, words of strength.

Today... Today is the day I re-take control. The day that "I put right what once went wrong". So much in my life has been changing, I put these things in motion, I had that control. Then for a list of reasons that can best be simplified into fear, I lost that control. I started letting things slide, then I started doing things that only fed my feelings of being out of control. Today I change that and take back the reins of my life from fate.

"i woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain, like a weight that i've carrin, been carried away. But I know something is coming, I don't know what it is, but I know its amazing can save me, my time is coming, I will find my way out of this longest drought. and it feels like today, i'm sure."

Today I have been listening to some music that reminded me what it was like to be positive, and upbeat.. what it was like when I was really ok with me. I had all these things that I planned on saying here, but you know what, that's it.

I am gonna try and keep this feeling going, find more positive music, find more things to smile about. I spent my whole lunch hour with a customer who I really didn't know laughing. Random person that I could find things to smile and laugh about. I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Slowly figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I can get to that person. I just have to remember, that its one step at a time. forward, small goals, I need to remember that life is a journey, and half the pleasure are the things along the way. to much time spent trying to cram who I am into a specific box. "I and everything I am should fit into one of these 10 symmetrical boxes." when that is simply not the case.

positive attitude about life on as many days as possible. Step 1

Thoughts on sedan from the airport vs a rental car.

8:38pm
For some people including myself until recently cab/sedan from the airport vs a rental car would not even be a decision rental car all the way. I have started to think about this more lately.

With my current customer I can walk from the hotel to the office. And now that I have my own driver in seattle who I actually like, it seems so much eaiser and even plesent to have someone waiting for me when I get there. No rental car crap to deal with no driving to worry about.

I think I understand how people can be shofered around now. its just one more thing to not have to worry about. I am home for a while after this but I think that I will look into this on a more regular basis. Will have to find a driver in phx since that is where will use them the most.

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Southwest airlines cattle car of the sky... Or not??

7:49

Today while I was at the airport I had decided to write this post, I even saw how it was going to read in my head. I have to admit it was going to be a rant. About how companys come up with a really good idea then the miss one part of it that spoils the whole execution...

Yes that was going to be this post... But once again southwest spoiled a perfectly good ranting blog by secereatly addressing the one part that in my opinion was poorly executed. In fact, I think they solved it in a way that was win win... Oh dear god did I just say that.. I have been in corporate america WAY to long.

Because of this I have had to break this up into 2 sections.

SECTION1:
abuse/ignoring the rules that are clearly marked and repeated over and over at the airport.

Ya I know that's a huge subject, and I can't possibly cover them all, how bout a few highlights from this evenings adventure..

The "plesently plump" woman in front of me who simply MUST carry all 6 bags through the X-ray line not take off her shoes or sweater (neatly tied round her velopous waist) and then chooses to argue with the nice TSA official saying "I need thse 3 gallons of gator-aid to stay hydrated on the plane."

Or the "family of 10" traveling with mom and dad, that all NEED to board with grandad cause he has a sprained ankle and a blue handycaped boarding card.

How bout the woman with boarding card A60 that thought she would just sneak on the plane first.

Or the guy that cut through the security line cause he was "late".. (At least he didn't have any luggage.)

SECTION2: what TSA/southwest did to restore my faith in right and wrong.

First and formost plesently plump lady was "escorted" to a special room which I am sure she had in depth descussions and reasonoing as to why she will be missing her flight tonight.

Second the family of 10 was instructed that they needed to sit in the first 3 rows due to pre-boarding/handycapped cards due to safty concerns

Third lady with card A60.. Ya she was sent to the back and shunned by everyone along the way... Kinda felt bad for her.. Till I remembered I was only there 20 minutes before boarding and heard the directions at least 5 times...

And lastly the guy who cut through the security line... Eh.. Will let that one go. He was cute..

Now I also have to take a moment to say a few words about southwest. On-top of all the things I have mentioned, they have done a few other things that I think will encourage me to fly them much mre frequently.

First and formost the boarding system. For anyone who reads this who doesn't know I am a big guy (tall mostly, 6'7" most on days). So I long for the exit isle that has enough leg room for me. Unfortunatly with how many flights us-air has cut back they are always full, and I am usually in the middle between 2 other large people. Espically since I am never given enough notice to book my flights in advance so its always last minute.

With southwest I can book business select (usually identical price to us-air standard price and I booked hours before my flight) and I am garunteed boarding pass 1 through 15. What this means is that after the pre-boraded people mentioned above, I would be at worst 15th in the plane. Since there are 17 seats on their planes that offer additional leg room I have a good chance to get a comfy seat this is a HUGE deal for me.

This brings up 2 other good points. 1 all souithwest flys is boing 737's so I know where the good seats are gonna be. And 2 unlike most other airlines, family and "familys traveling with small children. Board AFTER the first group.. How cool is that?

Add all that up with of the 9 of 10ish flights I have flown with them landing early, even the ones that took off late.. I am gonna have to think twice about flying usair again...

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Todays apointment

11:AM
So I had my apointment today.. I have never put so much pre-work into one of these. And in the end I felt that I did really well and ended up not using any of the pre-work I had done.

Now its just time until I find out next steps. Its times like this that I understand how much has changed with me and my willingness to wait for things. In the past this kind of waiting would have killed me.. I can't say it doesn't still bother me. But to a much less degree.. I know that some of the best things are worth waiting for...

The smell of the christmas tree in the house. The sound of rain on the ground. Monsoon season and the smell of the desart as it begins to rain, The feel of that rain my body during the heat of the summer. The thrill as the acceleration of the 510 comes over me. The smile when somthing reminds me of a really good memory..

These are all things I have learned are worth waiting for.. And now I add waitng to hear about this.
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On the plane

I am on the plane, half way throuight the flight. I have turned on some music by an artist I recently found. He plays an eletic violin. I find it quite soothing. I also find my mind wandering when I listen.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, the one thing that I wish is that the reason was a little more clear a little sooner.

I find myself reflecting back on somthing loren showed me, somthing a friend of his showed him. It was a explination that stated people come into ones life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.. This leaves me wondering about cam spacifically. Did he come into my life for a reason? A season? Or a lifetime?

This I think is a big part of what I have been struggeling with and what has been eating at me. Where this is going I guess, and is it the best direction for both of us?

I reached a certin point where I have just stopped and put everything into a we'll see or time will tell state. I know that it is/was not a good idea but I didn't know what else to do. Espically since I have been gone so much.

I think this last week leading up to last night has let me see more of the whole picture. How things might be in the long run.

This will require more thought..
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Anger.

Anger... simple word, 2 sylabils, yet somthing that can be so debilitating for me. I experienced some of this last night and was able to just let it go, and now as I sit here at the airport it has hit me again.. I can understand in my head why I am angry all of a sudden, but cannot really put it into words. Its like somthing you find irrtating causing everything else that happens to a million times more fustrating than it would otherwise be.

I have kept pretty busy this last week, and I think that I am going to take a couple days and unplug from non-work stuff. turn off the outside world. I don't like feeling like this, and I think its because I have not taken enough time for just me. This and next week seem like the perfect times to take that oppertunity.. as a matter of fact.. now that I am off the phone. I think I will start right now.

I HATE BEING THIS ANGRY.

First party at the new house.

Yes I know it has been like 8 months, but I finally had the first real party in my new place. i invited a couple of my friends, we drank played some video games, and socialized. it was a pretty good time. I was the last one up too, how crazy is that. well sept for Eric but he doesn't count. I think I am comfortable enough to actually have a house warming arty now. Maybe once I start the new gig that is in scottsdale. guess time will tell.

I decided not to make a new yeas resolution this year. there is just to much going on.