The Past, through someone elses eyes

So once again it’s been a while since I have written in these pages. Life has taken on new meaning for me, I smile, I have energy, and I am enjoying it every day. How’s that for a change, long way from where I have been.

The reason for this post today is because I use an RSS reader here on my computer, and today it blew up. I was forced to configure it from scratch, and in so doing I got a lot of old posts from some of the blogs I read on a regular basis.

I picked a couple entries that I didn't recognize, and as I started to read, a flood of emotion came over me, remember the things that happened that caused these posts to be written, and taking a broader and more encompassing view of the events, I was able to look from a perspective that I could not have then. It’s amazing how time can change everything. How you can see things that you just could not see then.

For a while now I have been working on me, and I realize that in a lot of ways, I am two very different people. One that is friendly, sensitive, caring, and gentle. Someone who loves deepy, thinks about everything, and tries to help everyone in my life, wanting nothing more than to have people treat me like I treat them. This is who I was first and who I associate as me. The second, cold, strong, raw, strong who I had to develop because I needed to be protected both growing up and in life. For a long time I felt like this second part locked away the first, under the guise of “being protective” causing a very different person to be displayed to the world. I would also often hide behind that second part when I didn’t want to face something. When I was afraid, or just feel that I cannot deal with life.

Lately I have gotten more control over the two parts. There seems to be a more unified presence that I show to the world, blending the two parts of me. I never used to think that this was even a possibility, I do still slip and have moments as one or the other, I realize that there will always be work to do in this area, it took me a long time to develop this second part so I expect that it will also take a while to find a common ground.