Philly, not off to a good start

So I am here.... the flight from manchester to here was.... interesting. I think someone finally told the piolet he needed to drop below 7000 feet in order to land. The plane was tiney an RJ. then when we got here the terminal was on the other side of the world from where I needed to be... at least I had 3 hours to get to the other side of the airport. But I am here now.

I checked in with a random agent I saw and she told me there was only one seat left on the plane and it was the middle... I think that I will not use this travel agency again even though it is the one my new company says to use I have a meeting with my manager next week in orange county, I will address it then... not only was it 250$ more expensive than the flight I booked.. but the seats sucked, and changing the ticket was 400$ pluse they charged me 25$ to issue the ticket.. I mean what is the point of using a company like this. well thats enough of that rant. just thought I would post since I was here and has nothing better to do..

some Boston pictures

thought I would post a few pictures of boston that I took while I was there.

Manchester Airport.

So here I am at the manchester New Hampshire Airport. 2 hours early.. luckely I found a power outlet and could sign onto my sirius account and listen to some music. well I got up this morning, took a nice long shower (after my bath last night that I forgot to write about WOW jaccusi tub LOL) got the rest of my stupp put together and headed downstairs. The hotel has a breakfast they serve every day, today it was french toast and suasage. Along with some cereals and juices. I sat down and had some food thinking about what they day might have in store for me. in my 11 hours of travel time I have today. lol

Looking out the lobby window it looked like it had been raining, so that should lengthen my trip to the airport a little. It was about an hour drive down. I figured it woul de at least that for the trip up. I ended up leaving the hotel about 7:45 in the mighty POS tarus. I didn't even write about it because it was such a POS I didn't want to even take the time. LOL the drive to the airport was slow, it rained pretty hard the whole way and the tarus was not the most surefooted thing on the road espically with its half flat tires.

I made it to the airport a bout 9:10 after stopping to fill up the car with gas. I checked in and made it through security, found a spot to sit with power and here I am. 2 hours early for the flight still. Oh well better than being late I suppose. I fly from here to pensilvania, there I have a 3 hours layover. I am really hoping to be able to get a decent seat from there to phx since its 5 hours on the plane. I am also hoping that the battery on this laptop will last long enough to get through a movie, but I don't have alot of hope for that.

As an interesting side note, I noticed on the way up that the airbus 321 that I was on had those nifty air-power things. I think I will have to invest in one of those adapters for my laptop so that I can watch movies on long flights. of course with any luck I should stay on the west coast and hopefully will not have to many long flights.

Well I am just rambeling now, so I think I will call it quits for this post. I am sure there will be another one in philly... another airport I have never been to

last evening in New Hampshire

So tonight is my last night in new hampshire. I am about ready to head off to sleep, and just thought I would write a little about my experiences here. This was my first trip to the east coast, and I understand now why so many people fall in love with new england in the fall. the trees are changing colors, the air is crisp. When I first got here it was even really plesent weather. In the 70's and really quite nice. I was told that it was unusually warm. As the week progressed I saw some cooler weather, not cold by any means, but cooler. I even saw some light rain or at least the the exidence as it never really rained on me.

Yesterday, I went to boston, explored. adventured in finding parking an paying 22$ for the privledge lol. while I was there I saw this park that ran through the center of town, and drove on the freeway that runs under it. it got me to thinking a bout the special I had seen with loren a couple months back about "The big dig" and I could have sworn this was it. I called and he did indeed varivy that it was boston and that was what I was seeing.. I took some pictures that I will post later. While I was there, I really wanted take the train to new york, which is a 4 hour trip. unfortunatly, they wanted 150$ for the trip, so I decided to pass. I will come back t othe east coast at some point so that I can see it thought.

I now have a bunch of pictures that I need to post. I will have to take some time and get that done this weekend. I got my schedule for the next couple of weeks and have to say that I am pretty excited. looks to be a good time. Well I better get to bed I have to be up early so that I can make my 11am flight. I am sure I will write more later.

thoughts

so tonight has turned into one of those nights. sitting here in the dark, thinking. what am I doing to myself? I get these thoughts in my head "how things could be" is usually what I call it. things strt to go my way looking positive, and I think "This is awsome, I should try putting effort into this other thing that I have been struggeling with. Each and every time I find myself here, frustrated, angry and worse that I was before things started going well.

do I know what I need to do? Yes. Do I think that I have the strength to do it. No. For all the things and time that I spend being strong, this is one of those time that I just have no idea how to be that strong.

I have done thinking about why tonight happened, and the events that led up to it. Truth is its little things all stacked on one another. My next steps are to wake up tomarrow, Drive to Boston, (thoughts of "he took a cab from boston" running through my head) take pictures, see the sites. Do my very best to smile and not think about this and the things I call "my issues". I will then go into the office and drop off my HR paperwork. Tomarrow afternoon I will come back to the hotel, let any emotion out that I have, sleep and go home on saturday. From there, I will have to do some soul searching.

thats all for now

New Hampshire Pictures

here are a couple of the new hampshire pics I took today..

day 2 part 2

seems like I wrote this same post several years ago. Looking back at my blog I did. But this time, I am in New Hampshire, and I am sick laying in bed trying to recover. I do have to say that the east coast has some amazinging scenery, espically with al lthe trees changing colors.

The training class that I am in this week was cut a day short, so I think I may take the train into boston and take some pictures. This is of course if I can recover from this stupid cold. I may post some pictures here later today.

first day at the new job

so I am laying here in bed, my first day at the new job is coming to a close. I feel like crap, but I also think that this is going to be a really good time... I think that I may have to take tomarrow to finish recovering, I am phisically feeling pretty crappy, but I am also excited about what the future holds for me and this job.

I think thats all, just wanted to put down a few thoughts about the first day.

first day of the rest of my life

Today I gave notice, two weeks from today I will be a free man. I will start my new job and the rest of my life. I feel like a weigh has been lifted, like the light has been turned on the end tunnel.

its one of those things that until I did somthing to change it i didn't know how bad it has gotten. I have to say that now I understant that it has been time to somthing about this for a long time. I look forward to the new job and the adventure that it brings.

Giving Notice...

Today, I got an offer for the new company. I decided to give my current company the oppertunity to see if they wanted me to stay on. after the amount of time I have been here, I am not sure that I could have lived with myself if I didn't. My manager told me he would get back with me tomarrow. My feeling at this point is that they will not be able to do what it would take for me to stay. I think that it is just time.

I ended up having a talk with the, director of our IT department. It confuses me why upper management even in situations like this, feels that they need to throw out things that serve no purpose other than to take a jab at people, in this case me. Over all it was a open honest conversation, but he also made me feel like he has no reason to try and keep me. Which I can understand as I have been really fustrated the last year or so.

so tomarrow will tell what the future holds for me..

New oppertunities...

So the time has come for me to finish making some changes for me that have been a long time coming. 2 weeks ago I was aproached by a company about a oppertunity that they had, which I seemed a good fit for. Over the past 2 weeks I have had several phone interviews, and even a face to face where I flew to San Jose and met with the gentelman who would be my boss. If they make an offer and its worth is, I think that I will have to seriously consider it.

I have been at my current position for a long time, and if for no other reason it is time for me to do somthing else. This is the frist time in a long time that I can see progress, I can see that I am make progress towards all the goals that I have set forth for myself..

a true leader

"a true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. he does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent. in the end, leaders are much like eagles.. they don't flock, you find them one at a time."

I read this the other day and thought that I would post it here and make some comments. I believe that this statement is pretty accurate, and something I believe as well. if I look back at all the leaders in my life, the true leaders. they all have these qualities. I also believe that you do not have to be a visible leader to posses these qualities. that every person should strive to use some of this in their life.

I would like to think that changes in socity start with a few people, as that group grows the changes that they support carry more weight, until it is a force that chnges the world and all the people in it. for the better or the worse.

Will you be the one that starts the next change?

thoughts on things I have read

So I have read a couple things lately that have gotten me to thinking... most are not contributed to a specific author, so I cannot give credit where credit is dew, but I thought I would write a some thoughts over the next couple of weeks, and share how they made me feel when I first read them and how they seem to fit into my life.

"excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expect more that others think is possible."

In alot of ways this statement fits into my life. maybe not exactly how it is ment in this statement. But I still think it fits in a couple ways. I have always been someone who is careing. Most times far beyond that is wise or that I let show. This single thought has often left me in pain, both in the short term and over a longer period. on the surface it would be easy to ask "well then why do it? why care?" The answer is much more simple than even I had ever stopped to think about it. Its because every now and then it allows for wonderfull esperiences, close connections and the making of new friends.... Thats it.. just the chance for good things to happen. Its more important to me than the pain I might have to go through.

Dreaming... just reading my blog you can see examples of this. I truly enjoy dreams, the good and the bad. They might cause greif in the short term, trying to figure them out, or trying to understand them. but for the most part, I enjoy leaving reality in a dream and just seeing where my mind takes me.

in short this statement makes me smile, just thinking about it and applying it to my life and my beliefes.

Today I am happy.

Today... for the first time in... well a while.. I can close my eyes and think.... "Today, I am happy." it seems odd to me how daily happieness can fade, and we don't even notice. we don't realize that each day we are not really happy. its one of those things that you can't quite put your finger on, but it just doesn't seem the same. Then you find your "happy place" you smile and start to think about how long it has really been since you smiled and actually felt happy.

I am not sure how it is that a feeling like this can fade and I didn't even notice. just went through the motions every day not really thinking about it I guess. its weird to me how I can just function day to day and not really think about weather I am in a good place or a bad. Maybe its because I know that sometimes there is nothing I can do about the situation, and now I have options. Now I have an alternative.

As hard as it is for me to understand.. I know that it is even harder for someone else to understand. How could I explain to someone that just going through the motions in life is just the way it has to be. I mean conciously I don't believe that, but I know that It somthing that I have had to do from time to time in order to survive and not just curl up on the floor and stop functioning.

I thought that I would like to post this to remember this day.. moving forward I think that I will have more of these.. I feel a steady stream of good things coming on.

Lost friends

I was fairly determined to not post anything about my weekend, but there is something small that happened... that I thought I should write about.. something that makes me both sad and frustrated at the same time.

Several months for reasons that I can't even remember now, I grew apart from someone that I considered a good friend. I feel that I reached out to this person a couple times, only to be told in no uncertin terms that my communication was no longer needed. Normally I can let this go.. I understand people often grow apart from each other, but this one got to me much more than I thought it would. This weekend While I was at Disney, I saw this person... all he could say was hi, and his focus was mostly toward someone else in our party... I thought I was over the whole thing, but it brought back up all that emotions that I had around this the first time.

I don't let alot of people in.. at least not into the real me. He was one of the few that I felt close to. at times I knew that he had to be at arms distance because that is just what he needed, but you don't really realize how much someone means till they are gone.

I also would like to say that I regret some of the things that I thought about him since that time, they were not fair and were really only to help me feel better... which they did not. mostly it was a defensive mechanism for me. I needed to be mad so that I would not be hurt.

I would just like to say. "Brian, I am sorry that we grew apart, I am sorry that I dissapointed you, I am sorry that we grew apart, and I miss the friendship that we shared at one point."

filler/cop out

Today was not a good day.. I have spent the last several hours writing about what I feel, how things are not goos, and I have decided to just say that they are really dark and not condusive to a constructive outcome. I have instead decided to write this post. Not to forget but so that I can remember. Remember that today was a bad day, but that my writings while in a mood that I have been in today and this evening, is not a good representation of who I am, and I am choosing to let those thoghts be free-form writing and not post them here.

Tomarrow will be a better day, and the negativity from tonight will fade as it has in the past. I got out my thoughts, and I will save them... I am just choosing to not put them here. I think its time for some relaxing music and some sleeping. I have dwelled in this negativity for long enough.. tomarrow.... Positive thoughts, and a Good day...

connections

So over the years I have done alot of thinking about people, how they interact with each other and what that all means. I think that it comes down to a connection. People look to make a connection with other people. to not feel alone in this big world that can be a truly scary and harsh place. I think I have expressed this feeling in my life by saying on several occasions "My life is a open book all someone has to do thumb thumb through the pages." Looking for someone to stop and want to take the time thumb through my pages.. and odd analogy but I think that it fits me. I have searched for a connection, and for a large majority of my life was unsuccessful. I have been luckey to find that connection a couple times. For the most part thought, I feel that it has not been somthing I have been exceedingly successful at.

I have thought about this alot lately, with some of the feelings I have been having. I think alot of what I have been feeling is a misture of things. Both the large amounts of change that I have introduced to my life, which I do not see slowing down at least any time soon, and also some delayed emotion to the biggest change I made in my life, with all the fall out that has come of that. I have written about how I how I feel there is a piece of my life that is missing, and how it really prolly always will be. I know that noone can promise forever, but that doesn't make it any eaiser.

The conclusion that I have reached is that it comes down to the connections I do manage to make with people and how much that really means to me. The truth is that until recently, I have not really thought about the subject for some time. I feel that for a long time I was not able to think about it. Thinking about the connection I had with one person and what that would do to me if I was to lose it was not somthing I could bare to even consider. All the way up to the point where I lost that connection. Far beyond the relationship, I either conciously or subconciously pushed that connection out of my life. I cannot really understand why I did that, perhaps it was because I felt I had to do that to keep from hurting. When in reality, I needed to hurt, weather I wanted to or not. Its part of the process that cannot be "skipped"

This realization has been both really hard, and enlightening for me. I understand better now why I need to feel connected to someone in order for things to go much past a friend phase, and why I am perfectly happy putting people into a casual friend catagory so many times.

I believe that this started at a very young age for me. I was not able to make friends, and felt very hurt when I was left by the way side by someone. my defense was to become self reliant and closed off to people. taking it to the point of needing to be home schooled for a year to get away from "people"... in the end, I think that this made me a stronger person, but I also think that it has alot to do with why I need to connect with someone on a level other than phisical contact to let them into my life. I also understand why I People who only see whats on the surface and make snap decisions baised on that bother me so much.....

There are so many people in the world... espically guys that just want the phisical from someone else, doesn't matter if they are gay or straight or whatever, but what they are looking for is the quicky, this phisical gratification that comes from the act of sex, some even turning it into a sport, or even somthing to do when their board. I personally don't see anything wrong with that. If it is what both people want, then hey grate...

For me, this is the most intimate thing that I can share with someone else. Somthing not to be taken lightly... Now granted I am sure everyone has moments where its just somthing phisical, espically after you have been with someone for a while.. Also I would like to say that I have talked to several friends that have explained there versions of the act of sex, and why they do it etc etc.. I am not saying what they are doing is wrong, what I AM saying is that I can't... even if I thought I might want to... I am just not wired that way. perhaps with enough practice that might change, but its also not somthing that I want to change.

in the end I think all I am trying to say is that for me, I really enjoy meeting new people, I enjoy going out.. but when it comes to somthing more that that, I need to feel like there is a connection between me and the person I am with.

Dreams

WARNING..... THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT...... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

I have vaguely written about my dreams off and on here in these pages. Over the last several weeks my dreams have become much more vivid. I also have started remembering much more detail of each of these dreams. As of this last week, I can no longer ignore them. Lately at least once a night I have been having highly explicit sexual dreams about both people currently in my life, and in my past

I have had to take some time to think about these dreams and what they might mean, mostly because I am not someone who is a highly sexual person with.. at least not until I have a fairly solid connection with someone, (more on that in a later post thought) Some of these dreams are easier to explain, but some are Not so easy for me to explain away.

Each of these more explicit dreams that I cannot easily explain have had have a couple things in common. 1. Each Dream involves either people I have had passing sexual thoughts about, or have had actual sexual encounters with. 2. they are people that I feel that I have at least some kind of connection with (again more on this later)3. All the dreams involve people that I do find physically and mentally (thats a big one for me) attractive. Luckily these people also exist outside of my work circle. The last thing all these dreams have in common is; They all involve sexual activities that I have thought about but have never tried... Yes I do understand how that sounds. What these activities are doesn't really matter as much as that all the dreams have this in common.

I have not come to a real conclusion as to what these dreams mean. Weather it is my subconscious telling me that I need to experiment more? That I need to get out and interact with more people? that something is missing in my life? That the creative side of me has been suppressed for to long with all that is going on with work and my life... or lack there of.. LOL

In short I have to admit that I am enjoying these dreams, but I find remembering them once I am awake is also very distracting. I would like to think that there is an actual meaning behind them, and that i am not just becoming dirty as I get older.. LOL I guess that it could be as simple as I am starting to feel my youth slip away (which will be another post soon). In short, I enjoy the dreams but would like to think more about what they mean in my life, and that I can find the connection...

Lots of thoughts

WARNING..... THE FOLLOWING CONTENT WILL BE GRAPHIC AND OF ADULT CONTENT...... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK


ok.... so I have realized that all of a sudden I have ALOT to say.. I have been making notes for a couple days and over the next posts I will be putting my thoughts down here. and I am going to wast no time.

First subject.... Dreams....

The next post that is posted is about the vivid dreams I have been having over the last couple of weeks. the next few days I will post the other big subjects that I am going to post...

WARNING..... THE FOLLOWING CONTENT WILL BE GRAPHIC AND OF ADULT CONTENT...... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK