thinking at work

so its been a few days since i have posted. Truth is I have not really had much to talk about. today I am at work, I spent some time talking to a friend of mine and I realized that I have not written here in a while. We shared some memories about high school.. I thought back and remembered who I was then, compared that to who I am now. thought about all the things that have changed. How Closed off I felt from the world then. how much I felt like an outcast. That I was totally alone in this world... I never would have thought then that It was possible to experience a life and perspective changing love like I did, somthing I don't think many people in the world have experienced. If you had asked me where I thought I would be when I turned 30 then... The answer would be nothing like it is now..

Things change, they are always changing. You can't stop them. I never would have thought that once I found this life altering feeling that it would ever slip away. It doesn't happen over night. I guess most change doesn't. Its a process, happening constantly all around us. I think that I have been trying to recapture some of my youth lately. Maybe it could even be considered a mid-life crisis. The fact of the matter is my life has been turned upside down. trying to put it together again with one of the biggest pieces missing has been more than difficult.. there is just nothing that seems to fit quite right. Like that was a distinct piece and it will always be missing now.

The more I think about this the more I think I need to stop trying to fill this empty place.. I need to understand that you can't accept someone into your life so completely, and not have them leave an impression forever... there comes a point when they become a part of you forever.

I still do not claim to know what the future holds. but I know that I don't want to fill that place in my life. there are times that I need to remember. The Good, the bad... The laughter, the tears... the gentle conversation, the Fights.... we had a some good ones... I need to remember... I need to not let go....

mental unhealth day

I woke up this morning prolly about 4, I decided that I was going to relax and be mellow for work today. I went and got into the spa and watched the sun come up. after this, I went for my morning jog, listening to the ipod... Once home, my plan was to shower, change and prolly take the rest of the day to relax. I picked up my phone to se 15 missed calls. *sigh* I called back work to find there was some issue with somthing that was pushed last night, and everyone was running around with their hair on fire.

Long story short (to late) I rand some stuff from home, piled in the car, came to work and I have been here ever since. Lately I am feeling so mentally unhealty, like I go through the motions but don't go beyond that for fear that today will be the day that I snap and will have to be commited. Ok that might be an exerageration. But I just don't feel like things here are going to change for the better here.

I think that I am going to give it till firday to let myself calm down and see how things play out. see if there is any more fallout from todays issues. then I will make my decision from there. I have to keep my eye on the things that make me smile and let me forget about work. one more day at a time I suppose

at home in the dark

As I sit here in the dark listening to some music on the ipod... So much happened today, it hard to think about it all. All the emotions, from utter sadness and depression, to excitement, and everything in between. looking in from the outside, one could say that I am bi-polar... For those that have known me for a while can see another reason.

Never have I worked somewhere that there was such wonderful things and people that you can't interact with without smiling just because. At the same time there is also such a darkness and people whom are not supportive of a functional work place (I think that is PC enough). A perfect example... Chris the person who stepped up and took the lead position of this team... truly a good person, someone who will accel at anything he puts his mind to. He has taken on a position that by definition is impossible. a position that is set up in such a way that the person will fail no matter what they do (dam I wish that was an exaggeration), that is even assuming that there is a fixed end goal. It makes me so angry to see good people put into a position that has no outcome other than to beat them into utter submission. (like I can even talk about anyone else without looking at my every day activities... just the way I am I guess)

by the end of today I decided that there is nothing more I can do to effect change in a positive way with the position that I currently hold. It has been made clear to me, that I am there to do what I am told... Now that I think about it, this reminds me of when I was at intel as a contractor, and was actually told... "we don't pay you to think." WOW... what a paralell to draw.. a intel contracting job where I was a monkey, to here. A place that when I started, I actually said and I quote "I think I have found a home here"... Its sad that I can now look at that statement and laugh...

I woke up today... with a positive attitude, and I was going to make today a really good day... this is how it ended up... sitting in the dark rocking, trying not to totally loose it. trying to concentrate on the things in my life that are positive I just find that to be really messed up.

I am thinking about taking tomarrow as a mental health day.. the only reason it is not a Duh thing is because I know that I need to go back to work on Thursday. I also know that work will just pile up another day, and I will have that much more to do when I get back..

All this, and I have not even gotten into any of the reasons that today wend to bad. and thinking about it now, I am not sure that it matters. a few notes for when I come back to read this....
my talk with chatwik
Eric S leaving the company
BL lunch on Friday
RC making life hell for someone other than me.

I think thats it for me tonight.. its time to get some rest so that I can get up early and put myself back together...

random song/thoughts

Words selected from a song I heard today, that just seem to fit all the emotions I am having today.

"I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason... bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those who help us most to grow... if we let them, and we help them in return...

Well I don't know if I believe that’s true... but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you..

like a commit pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, like a stream that meets a bolder half way through the wood... Who can say, if I've been changed for the better. Because I knew you... I have been changed for good.....

It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part. So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a hand print on my heart. and now whatever way our stories end, you know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Like a ship bone from its mooring by a wind off the sea. like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood, who can say if I’ve been changed for the better... because I knew you... I have been changed for good...

and just to clear the air... I ask forgiveness for the things I’ve done you blame me for... but then I guess we know there’s blame to share.... and none of it seems to matter anymore........... Who can say if I've been changed for the better...... I believe I’ve been changed for the better... and because I knew you..... I have been changed for good"

Ya I think that sums it up... nothing really more to say than that.

life and relationships.

I have been thinking about life and relationships tonight. I have come to a few realizations. I know that relationships don't go bad over night, much as the connection made between two people is not made over night... But I also think there are key moments in any relationship, from friends, lovers, co-workers, whatever; that a decision is made by one or more of the parties that may seem trivial at that moment. from as simple as "oh I don't need to tell person X about this thing, because they wouldn't care" to something more serious like "well the reaction I got when I shared what was on my mind was not plesent, so I will just not share anymore" the fact is that once a decision like that is made, the relationship changes. maybe for the good in the short term, but more than likely for the bad in the long run.

I don't pretend to believe that there is a perfect relationship. I think that every relationship has its ups and downs. the trouble that I have is that I don't know when a relationship becomes wrong, or at what point after meeting someone that it becomes right. I have to admit, that lately I have enjoyed sitting at home alone usually in the dark. When I am not working, I have taken to enjoying some TV or just sitting in the dark and listening to music.

I know that I work to much, I took this weekend to relax a little. unfortunately I was also fairly stressed out for a good part of it. I wish that I could have actually got a few more things done. but I really think that I needed to relax this weekend. I also think that I need to take a little step back this week. I know that I am going to be super busy at work. but I really need to step back and relax take some time for me and the stuff I have been putting off.

drinking

This is a subject that I don't get into very often. I took a break from drinking of any type for 4 weeks. it wasn't a big deal for me, but I felt that it was taking control of my life. I had also started drinking by myself at home. I thought this was unhealthy, which was another reason why I thought I should stop.

Now I have a new opinion, I think this is a way that I can unplug.. a way I can turn my brain off. It has quickly become something that I have pretty strong feelings about. I have also noticed that I have less tolerance for criticism in this area. This is not like me, but lately I have also noticed these kinds of feelings about other areas of my life as well.

The more I think about these thoughts the more I think it is my compensating for the past in going the oppisite way. Becoming over sensitive about to many things. To be fair and to look at all the possibilities I would also have to say that it might be from me feeling like some people are not listening to the the things I am saying as well. i will need to think about this some more, but I needed to put some of this down so I could think about this later

Vivid dream

Last night as I gell asleep and had a very vivid dream. my mom and dad were both there, and said that they had come to break the news to me that my dad didn't have much longer to live. They went on to say that with his failing health I would not have another chance to see him before he passed away.

I woke up wide awake. My dad has has some health issues this year, but I don't think they warrented a dream like this. I am not sure what brought this on, but it has me thinking for sure. I will make sure to make time to call my mom and see how things are going. I thought I would just write this down so that I didn't forget.

Dubfest the show

*yawn* WOW... what a day. Wkoe up today, at like 6:30 thought to myself, no I don't tink so... LOL turned off the alarm and slept till like 8am, got up showered packed up, checked out. Met up with one of the guys I came out here with, Todd and his black 24 valve VR6. (yes thats how I remember people) he and I were the only ones who were still at the hotel, everyone else left at 8 over to the show, aperently when I was in the shower. We decided to drive over to the show together, gates for general public opened at 10am.

once at the show sice we were really early, we just talked for a little while, I cleared the pictures off the cammera onto my laptop. K showed up a little later brought my cupcakes, and I purchased an intakes system for my new car. at 4pm I grabed some food and our caravan headed out back to phoenix.

I got back here at like 10, installed my intake took the car for a spin, and then hit the pool and went to bed.

saturday's activities

OK.. Well.. its been a long day, its almost 2am sunday morning, I have to be up by like 8 so go to the show, and I am just now in the hotel room for the night...

Other than some random drama which has no bearing on this entrie, its been a pretty good day. I made it down to see my friend K she was not quite ready to go, so I just vegged for a little while. once she was ready, we went over and had what I think is the best chicken ravoli I have ever had, at a resturant near her house. I mean it was OUT OF THIS WORLD.

After the heavenly food, we headed down to newport so that I could pick up some sprinkles (cupcakes mentioned before) when we got there, K asked me if I wanted to go to the "doggie bakery" when she said that, I said yes just so I could see this place.. LOL once inside I couldn't resiste getting gizmo some a couple treats. I am betting he will like them. While we were there, I got a message from Mark a friend of mine who said that it would be cool if I would stop by and see him. He also mentioned that my other friend Paul was in from San Fran, that he was also there.

Mark works for disney, and since I had a pass I thought "why not" once I was there and parked, and in the park. I got a message saying that he was working in the hotel (this is not where he normally works lol) so I had to truck almost all the way back to the car to get to the hotel. we said hi, exchanged a few words. I mentioned my phone was WAY dead and I needed to go get a charger for it. He said he was off work at 6 and that I should come back and we could find paul and watch the fireworks. This sounded like a cool Idea to me so I left to go find a charger.

Once I found a charger I had about an hour to kill so I drove around wiht my phone plugged into the car, and I went to where I used to work. (about 30-40 minutes form disney) I sat in the parking lot there, and thought about how things used to be. How they were when I worked there. How young I was, how much different I thought about thing. I got pretty emotional, think about everything that had happened since then. I decided to drive back to Disney, on my way I was still really emotional.. I sent a text message that I realize now that I should not have. LIve and learn I guess.

I got back to the park, got the car parked and started walking toward the park. Mark said that he would be a little late, so I figured I would wander around the park for a while. after about 20 minutes or so, I looked at my phone and it became clear that it did not take much of a charge while in the car. I tried resetting it as I had in the past with no luck, after about an hour or so in the park, people watching for the most part, I got a message from Mark saying that we should meet at the little bar they have at the hotel.

I got to the bar, there were no tables So I wandered around a little my phone beeped, and died. (again) I watched the remotecontrol boats, and the smiles on the kids faces that were getting such pleasure from raming them into one another. As I wandered around, I saw someone what I SWORE was my friend paul. As I got closer, it was clear that it WAS him... he was looking at a menu, i looked over his sholder and asked if he found anything good? he turned around initally with a look that said somthing to the effect of "who the hell said that" then he saw it was me, and his expression turned into "OMG" wollowed by HOW the heck are ya.

we caught up a little, each ordered a drink, a table opened up and we sat down to talk and wait for mark. another hour or so passed, I don't know what time it was since my phone was dead, I do know it was dark out by this time thought.

We went into the park, watched the fireworks, and then fantasmic. By this time it was pretty late, and I was starving. I mentioned food, it was agreed that we should eat. jack in the box here we come.. LOL.. after eating I parted company, plugged in my phone, turned it on, and here I am, falling asleep at the keyboard back at my hotel at 2am. When I did get back here, I noticed that all the parking spots were filled with really nice VW's that made me happy to see.

SOOO tired its time for me to sleep.

The Drive to Dubfest

so I took off from work early enought to get a hair cut, get back to the house make sure I got everything and head out. (as it turns out I fort my charger for my phone, more on that later) I made it to the meeting spot about 30 minutes before everyone left, got myself a oreo frosty from wendys and a gatoraid from the mobil. By this time people started showing up. As per my pervious experience, I met the VW guys and they were all really cool. serveral really nice cars too, a couple R32's couple 20th of anaversery golf's some passats, a couple audi's I guess by the time we left, there were 15-20 cars.

once were were on the road and out of traffic it became very apperent to me that we were gonna make it out there in a very small ammount of time. we stopped in blyth to fuel up, (my car got about 25 even at that speed which kinda surprised me) then everyone wanted food. we ended up being there for about an hour. once back on the road it was more of the same.

We pulled into where the hotel was at about 10:30, I ended up being able to get a hotel room there at the host hotel, we all went and got some food and then sat around and just talked till prolly almost 1am. everyone has now gone to bed, and I smileing. its been a really good trip so far. looks like I am gonna go see kristina tomarrow catch some lunch, pick up some sprinkles (cupcakes) for people back in AZ that yelled at me for not bringing them back the last time..

well I think I am gonna head off to bed, as it is VERY late now

Last minute trip out of town. (Dubfest)

SO I have decided to go to dubfest this weekend, it is a last minute decision, but somthing that I think will end up being a good time. I have met guys from VW vortex bafore, and all the ones I have met so far have been good guys. Looks like I will head out with the group tomarrow, in the afternoon. I think saturday is just a bummin around day, washing cars n stuff. I think I might go and try to see kristina. maybe the beach.

I am really looking forward to this. its been a long time since I have been to a car show out of town, and never to a VW car show. I till am trying to get used to this going and doing things on my own though.. it still feels uncomfortable on some level.

More later, its late.

moving.... AGAIN....

Well I knew it was coming and here it is. I have once again moved my office across the building, this time giving up my window seat. I am not 100% sure how I feel about that second part just yet but as it was my choice, I really don't think its going to be a big deal, only time will tell.

This move comes on the heels of another management re-structure here, and yet another manager. this to is a mixed emotions thing for me. The new manager I am under is a good guy, I have interacted with him before. but at the same time is more change. I have pretty much determined that no matter what happens here I will continue to have a positions, and be able to cope what whatever happens, I work well in the enviornment, and I get along with 99% of the people. It also helps that I have been here so long that I know how most stuff works. This allows me to speak at least some what intelegently about most all subjects and enviornments here. I think this also helps me continue to be a voice here at work, and one that more people than I originally thought, listen to.

Yes, I get stressed out, yes I work WAY more than I should. To be fair though, I can't just list the negatives. I have to also list the positives. We work with technology that is at the absoult breaking edge of the industry, nothing is ever the repetitive. there is always somthing exciting going on. I often ask myself if it is time to look for work that would allow me more time to plan and execute projects. A job that will allow the oppertunity to take vactions (what a novel concept) Not that I can't now, but I know when I do, the stuff I need to do will just pile up till I get back and will have to work just much harder to get caught up.

Many of my friend make comments like "this job is killing you" and "I wish you didn't work so much" Where I can understand both of these comments, and agree with them both fairly reguraly... I also enjoy the challenge, it leaves me drained for other challengs in my life, but I do enjoy being challenged to do somthing that requires I come up with a technical solution that might seem impossiable at first.

more thoughts

so I have been thinking alot about what I wrote last night... re-read it, thought some more... With some stuff that happened this afternoon as well, it has spurred even more thinking, what does it all mean? Am I seeing the signs that I think I am seeing. Should I act on those signs, should I stand back and just let things happen? I think I will remain an observer for a while. see what ends up happening, at least for a while. *deep clensing breaths*

I spent some time today talking to my friend chris in the PAC NW. He is aperently having some drama in his life. I don't find this to shocking, where he has had less recently, he still has some pretty odd situations that he gets himself into.

today I am feeling pretty wore out. I am not sure weather it is mental, phisical or a combination of the two. I do know that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, as cliche as that sounds, its true.

I think I am gonna have to head off to bed. I am pretty emotional and tired now.

Thoughts as i fall asleep

So.. Its amazing how certin song have different meaning in my life and how sometimes that mening can change. Tonight as i laid down, i turned on the ipod to my "sleep" music. The first song to come on was the last song from wicked the musical... It is a reprise of "noone mourns the wicked" that thought alone has me thinking as i fall asleep....

Ok wow.. The second song to come on.. From the same musical... A line from the song "i know i am who i am today because i knew you" "because i knew you i have been changed for good" So much raw emotion tonight... I so hate being a mess.

To much to put it all down here. I do know that the future promises to be new and different than my past... For the better or for the worse.. I have set myself on this path for change... Because of this there is no "going back" even if i could... I never would... I learned my lessons from the past.. Now it is time to embrase the future and everything that means for me, my life, and those in my life.

My thumbs are tired from typing on my phone... I need to think about this anyway...

Tuesday... Shiney car day...

So today was the day that I was supposed to take the car to VW to be detailed. I knew that they opened at 6am for service so I got out of bed and headed down there, only to find out that they would not start on it until gwen got there (my salesperson) which was 8am. OOPS, guess I should have been more spacific when I said, "when should I bring it down?" I signed up for the shuttle, waited for like 45 minutes (thinking if I make it to 8am I will just talk to her myself lol) finally the shuttle driver arrived at about 7:55 am and gave myself and two other people rides to their destinations. My plan was to just hang out at my friends coffee shopp and work remotly with my laptop until it was time to come get the car (shuttle was supposed to come get me)

Several hours passed, I responded to a bunch or e-mail's and some IM's. sounded like things were pretty quiet at work. my friend Erich showed up after his morning apointments, he sat down and we chatted a little. I noticed it was 11:45, so I thought I would call and see what the status was. it sounded like my car was done, and someone (not sure who) was going to come get me. There aperently were mixed signals. I heard "I will come get you in your car." from gwen. and a gentelman by the name of Carlos, ended up picking me up in a subaru forester.... I guess thats close to what I heard.. LOL

nothing to exciting, I picked up my car and meandered to work, was quite relaxing. and now I am here writing this post. well guess thats it for now...

Lazy Weekend

I thought I would sum up my whole weekend in one post... heck one Word... LAZY...
I did get some of the normal stuff done, mowing the lawn, skimming the pool. For the most part I vegged, played video games and did a whole lot of nothing.

The highlight of the weekend I think was finishing the third season of house... lol... OOOO and went to Oregon stop pizza, it should be noted, that they were no longer making pizza because we got there an hour before they closed, but my friend erich and I sat and listened to them play some music, one of which was a medaley of phantom of the opera music.. I thought it was pretty amazing. I think that Erich did too.

I did, go to a friends Labor Day party, it was pretty laid back. I cooked some burgers and doge, apparently no one else was brave enough to atack the wild BBQ...

All in all a fairly successful weekend wasted... it was AWSOME.. LOL wish my neck wasn't so sore though, must have slept on it wrong.