Morning Latte

So this morning, I decided to venture out what I call "the long way" which just happens to leady right by my favorite coffee shop.... Unlimited Coffee 741 E Glendale Ave Phoenix, AZ (602) 252 - 1200, Little free plug there for my friends at the shop.

For those of you who don't know, I also got a new car the other night. I will post a blog about that whole experience prolly later today. Anyhoo, the more I drive this car and figure out how it works, and we adapt to each other the more I feel like it is an extension of me. Its almost like I designed the car for me. it fits, it drives how I want it to drive, I have enough gizmo's to keep me entertained, most of all its fun. I am not sure I could ask more for a car, that also lowered my payment by 100 a month.. LOL

So anyway, I decided to come down 7th street, to the coffee shop, and it just seemed as though the car is learning what I want, when I wanted to accelerate, it did. when I wanted it to be calm an smooth, it was. when I needed to leave the stop light with a little extra viggor, it did so with no complaint, and flawlessly performed exactly what I wanted it to.

Once at the shop I talked to the person working the counter we will call her K, we just chatted a little, she helped some customers, and then made me a carmel latte. I said I had to get to work and I was off. leaving the shop, I was able to exit the slanted parking lot entrance, and accelerate up to the speed limit just ahead of the aproching cars behind me with no drama or rough shifts. was completely smooth (this is HUGE for me if you ever heard me RANT about my old car) once on the freeway behind the person who we will say was not from here, and prolly was never allowed to drive where they were from. I feel bad for people like this, it must be an intimidating thing being on our roads, and espically merging onto the freeway, which this person did, and a wopping 40 MPH (I believe that is right about the speed you need to be going to DIE on AZ freeways.) but no worries, a little application of the throttle, the car down shifted and I was safly up to freeway speed in the next lane over.

Next my exit came up, I signaled, downshifted the car (rev matching is a wonderful thing) made the turn and accelerated back to the posted speed, again no drama no issue. Some of you may be thinking "isn't this how a new car is supposed to be?" I think any educated person would say yes, but I aperently have increadably high standards and this is the first car I have driven that had anything close to what I would call a smart automatic.... perhaps its because it is a automatically shifted manual... but more on that later. between that and the ballance of the car, Its really hard to tell its front wheel drive.

I marveled at the car from every stop light and each bump in the road that did not unsettle the suspension (as happened most times in my last car). once at work. I parked, smiled, and went inside. I am still thinking about the trip to work now... how crazy is that?

ok time for some work now... had to post this wonderf start to a long weekend

Copeing.... Or not....

I originally wrote this post while I was laying in bed half awake... I have decided that I wanted to re-word it.

Tonight i was talking to a good friend of mine... As we exchanged txt messages... He made a remark about my life being better recently.. My response was that I thought it was better because I had taken the time to make it better.. That I had been using this, "To get me through" losing a major part of my life, or at least that's what I told myself. Once I read this message that I had typed I started to think... Maybe this was not coping at all, maybe this was Avoiding the issue of what I was feeling and what was now missing in my life. I think that this small fact alone may have caused pain for other people that I had let into my life at that time. That really upsets me. I hate the thought that I may have caused another person to hurt. Most times I put on a pretty good front as being not phased by things. The reality is that this is my defensive reaction, That it is better to appear strong then allow someone to see what I am really feeling.

There are clearly some things that I need to change in my life. I am not sure how comfortable I am putting them here, but I do know that I would like to document them somewhere and start making some progress... there never seems to be enough hours in the day. perhaps some priority on things as well, maybe even planning out the day with time slots for some of this stuff, get into a routine to make it easier.

I know that everything is changing these days. I am both excited and afraid. I sill look forward in life with hope and a smile. but also with a bit of anxiety.


I am pretty tired now.. Perhaps more tomarrow.

I just don't understand (work)

I don't consider myself a brilliant person, hell sometimes I think I am down right dumb. but even at that, I can take simple instructions and follow them...

Here is another one of my analogies. You tell someone "If you fill out this form and answer these questions, I will build the a car/truck/SUV for you exactly how you want it." Which would be better? A form that comes back and says "make it the same color as that car I saw on the freeway, make it have a motor like the one that was in that one car by Chevrolet, make it have as many seats as that big suburban thing that Chevy has" OR "make it green, make is have a Chevrolet 6.0 liter v-8 and make it have enough seating for 8 2 in the front, 3 in the middle and 3 in the back row." I personally think that if someone is offering you a opportunity to capture exactly what you want, you would not say things like "make it like this thing" That introduces opportunity for mis inturpertation as the builder goes to that thing and trys to decipher what exactly you want.

Then after making this part clear, they come back later... After this thing is built and want to change things. usually fundamental things... "oops I forgot this." they then don't understand when there are mistakes how this possibly could have happened. All of this would not be near as fustrating is there was any kind of back up from anyone... from my manager, to the top of the list. it should be as simple as. "this is the process, you agreed to it, you did not follow it, you do not get youf change into production." and that should be the end of the conversation. OR. We should embrase that we are a company that needs to change direction at the drop of a hat and develop a group of people that all they do is work with emergency production changes, and since all changes are emergencies, that would be all they did. I believe that this would solve the need of marketing to have somthing go out right now, and also solve the need of the business to build automation to go along with these changes, because after the push into production, this team could hand off the final product to the team that builds the sustaining automation for it to be added to the build.

I don't mean to rant about work on here. but I have to write this crap down or it will just eat me up. and I do feel better now.

late morning...

Fair warning. I have a lot to say in this post, not sure if I will get it all out but here goes..

Today started out rough... I forgot to plug in my phone, so my alarm did not go off, and when I woke up at 6:03 it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. the really odd part is I i can't even tell you what it was or why I was feeling that way. Extreme stress is the best way to put it. I could barely get out of bed to use the rest room. I came back to bed, layed down and couldn't move. I hurt all over, felt totally stressed out.

I convinced myself that it was all in my head and I needed to get up and use mind over matter, I needed to conquer this. I got up, and nearly fell back down again. refusing to let this control me, I sent a message to my friend eric from work, asking if he wanted to have breakfast, figuring if I had a goal I would not have a choice but to get up and do something. he of course responded yes (thank goodness) and I had my goal.

I got dressed, walked into the back yard to find the pool Crystal clear.. that made me happy as I have been having issues with the vacuum. I walked back into the house, closed up the blinds and extra doors in the house. walked into the living room saw my paperwork for my ticket that I got on the table and remembered that last night I had taken care of getting school scheduled, this also helped lift a little of the pressure. i put on my shoes, grabbed my i-pod, phone and keys and headed outside. I checked on my drip watering system and found a leak, fixed it and then headed off to work.

As I drove I started to feel a little better, very drained but a little better. I got to the breakfast spot and eric suggested we try a new place, which we did. it was not to far from where we normally had breakfast.. but it was cheaper and MUCH better. I steered clear of caffanated soda hoping to not aggervate the stress anymore, I told eric that I was feeling strung out, and I think that is the best term to describe it.

I am now at work and seriously considering going somewhere away from here to kinda unplug. still work.. just away from the normal stuff..

I really think alot of this has to do with what I wrote about last night.. both entries...

Dinner... thoughts.... emotion...

So I am just back from having dinner with Cam.. several interesting things happened surrounding this. I wrote about him having a b-day party. We had discussed doing something yesterday. I fell really drained when I got home and was watching a little house on the boob toob.. to be fair, I had TOTALLY forgot about letting him know I was home... we chatted a little over txt message until it was clear to me that there was a miss-communication. I called him and explained what I meant, and what I was thinking. I had this really weird feeling when I hung up and headed to the car. It was something that built all the way down to his place. anxioty is the best way I think I can describe it. I am not sure exactly what caused it or why. The last couple of times we had hung out, we talked and had a really good time, nothing like what I was feeling on the way there. I called him when I was getting close, and the feeling intensified exponentially. again. there was nothing clear that made any sense as to why. I am still trying to sort that part out actually.

I pulled up to the curb and he came out and as he approached the curb and opened the door, I was almost overwhelmed with all different kinds of emotion... he apologized for the confusion, I told him it was not a big deal. That Txt messages are like that some times.

As we drove I asked him where he wanted to eat, and he was not really sure. I drove rather aimlessly. he mentioned he would like a sub sandwich, that was not subway or quizno's so I started thinking. My mom called, I am not even sure why I answered the phone at that moment. usually I don't when I am having a conversation with someone. but we chatted for a little while. as we did I started to feel a little calmer. I hung up the phone, we thought some more about where to go.

For some reason I thought I would head up to cammelback and see what was there, thinking about it now I know that there are no sub shops on cammelback other than quizno's. I am not sure why but I felt compelled to get off the freeway at 24th street. as we drove North towards cammelback I continued to feel a little more calm and what I would call stable.

As we were driving, I saw something out of the corner of my eye... it was a place that was actually called Mr. Submarine... I found this kinda creepy... again... and I told cam about my previous experience.

we pulled in, both ordered meatball subs. he relayed to me that he thought he was craving one because of the last one we had at a place near where he lives now. I remembered and also remembered how good they were. we finished our food Which was actually really good and headed back.

We were on the freeway I yawned really big, shortly after I felt emotion FLOOD back. All kinds of emotion, and I could not describe any of it.. Moments later Cam Asked if I was just going to head home (I think this is when I started to put things together, I am still working on all of the meanings, but this is the moment I started to understand). I told him that I was exhausted, which I was. That I prolly whould head home yes, it was after 8pm and getting close to bed time.... I feel so old... THe emotion I was feeling intensified, and then calmed a little. we got back to his place, I puleld up along the curb. he mentioned that I prolly should not park there since that was close to the bus stop. I moved up to another spot away from the buss stop, and let out another huge yawn. This was followed by me feeling this emotion intenisify again, this time it was also mixed with a very warm feeling (somthing I would now classify as deep caring). followed by cam asking if I was gonna make it home safe, I said that I would, and that I just needed to get driving.

I started to drive home, and as I did, I started putting together the events of the evening, and this emotion I was feeling.

This is my theory. I Have always been someone who is VERY in-tune with the people around me, but I have also kept a safe distance with most people so that I did not get to wrapped up in what they were feeling. This also allowed me to stay ojective. This is something I have always prided myself on. being able to feel and understand what someone else is feeling, but being able to keep objective about it, I always told myself this allowed me to help people.

What I think is happening, as I spend time with cam, and because he is so intune with both what he is feeling and at least on some level what I am feeling, I am loosing my objectivity and feeling the raw emotion that both he and I are feeling. This might seem a little out there for most people.. but this is really what I think is happening. I will have to think about it more, and see what else I can come up with. but i needed to put this down tonight, so that it didn't bother me all night.

This is both a thought that makes me smile and scares the hell out of me at the same time. I don't have a clue what it means. I look forward to figuring out what it means though.

Creepy Moment.

So I wrote this long post this morning.. the title was as you can see "Time it changes everything." So I am home from work and I was playing a game and watching house on the TV, and I heard.. "Time.. it changes everything.." I have to say my heart skipped a beat. I had not see this eppiside of house before, so I stopped the game and watched it for a little while..

These are the kinds of things that really make me thing that things are connected and that they happen for a reason.. I will have to write more on this later, but I had to put this down... so that I remembered...

Time.... it changes everything....

lately, I have spent alot of time thinking.... When I say lately, I would have to say over the last year or so. I feel that I have learned a lot about both me and people in general. Its seems like the further I go in life that faster it seems to go, and as time passes some things seem to change, things that I always assumed were a constant in my life.

I think a lot about the last 10 years spacifically. Espically when I find old pictures or somthing that remindes me of the past. I have let myself cry, and feel all kinds of emotion that I felt I should not be feeling in the past. Things that made me feel like I was weak and not in control. I have learned that I have to make room in my life for all the emotions that I feel. I am a very emotional person, and if I deny what I feel, then it makes things so much worse for me.

I wonder what the next 10 years will bring. I wonder if I will have someone special in my life when I reach the end of my journey. I wonder how much fuurther my journey is, and where it might still take me. Sometimes I feel like I should be making more goals for myself, plans for the future, things I should do so that I can show progress. Other times I feel like I should just let things happen, that the best things that could happen will be a surprise.

This weekend, was really nice. I had Cam's b-day on saturday. It was a quiet event, but somthing that I enjoyed, was nice to slow down a little, I also did not drink, even thought my 3-week date I set for myself was up on saturday. I just didn't feel the need to have any alchol. I heard reports of other party's that went on, and truthfully, on some level I wish I could have gone, but I very much enjoyed just relaxing the second half of saturday. This was because I ran around like my head was chopped off on saturday morning, running erronds, and making sure I was ready for the afternoon. So having the second half of the day be calm and relaxing, I think was just what I needed. A good friend of mine K was there, and we got a chance to talk about everything that has been going on in my life. I found myself not being able to formulate words to express what i was thinking and feeling. This is somthing I am really not used to. I worked so hard for so long to be able to be articulate and be able to express myself. I find it fustrating to be so at a loss.

I think that there has been so much going on, that it's been hard for me to put all the smaller things together in my life. To sort of make sence of it all. Thats assuming that one can make sence of somthing that can be so kaotic and confusing...

I can say that I don't really feel lost anymore. I at least can see direction. Not sure exactly which direction, but I can see that there is at least direction. This is the first month I have been able to get out ahead of my bills. I think that may have a lot to do with me starting to see direction. I knew I would get here, it has just taken longer than I thought it would. I know that change like this takes time, but I still feel like I have left a HUGE part of my life behind, and that I am trying to figure out how to adjust to that, and re-orginize my life. I know that time.... as it changes everything, will also change this.. eventually giving me clarity, and a better perspective as to why things are the way they are and how that fits into my life in the future....

ok enough rambeling for now

Friday... lots to do...

Well, today is friday... I am at work... (DUH) I am going over all the things I need to do before... well... tomarrow, LOL. Long story short, (I know to late), Cam is having his b-day this weekend, I said I would participate... Now I just need to run around with my head shopped off for a while to get everything ready... LOL I do this to myself all the time... this time at least I am smileing, knida looking forward to shopping actually.. Oh ya and I have dinner with a friend tonight too, I keep forgetting about that.

Its a shame things have been f-ing crazy at work today. Even still I would call it a good day. lately I have been much better at stating my opinion, then taking a step back and saying, "Ok whatever you would like to do." This has helped me stay much more sane here. I think that in the future things will continue to be at least ok.

Heres to looking to the future and what is going to be the next Great Adventure.

few random morning thoughts

So its been a few days since I have been back from montana. I am sitting here at work, just thinking about things. listening to some good music. I can say, right now.. as I sit here. I am happy. I am not sure when the last time was that I could say that. nothing more nothing less. just happy. with where I am, life, work. right now is good...

There are of course things that I want to change... but right now.. in this moment.. happy is the word I am choosing to describe my state of being.

In the Salt Lake City Airport

so here I am... sitting in the salt lake city airport, waiting for my flight to phoenix... I find myself really excited to be coming home... I even feel ready to come back to work.. I am going to try to have a positive attitude for the remainder of my time there... I have to get a hold of this and stop letting it run my life. I think that if I could do that, it will be better for me and everyone around me. I might even be able to get more done at work.. I feel that lately I have been slipping, as my motivation declined, I got less done, and really didn't care if I got anything done... That is not who I am, so this break and time to reflect was good for me..

I do have to say that this is the most relaxing time I have had in montana, of all the times I have visited. I really think that alot of it has to do with the fact that I didn't "try" to do anything while I was here.. hung out with the family.. did a few fun things, but for the most part, just relaxed, played on the computer and didn't stress about things. In Fact since my last post, I went with dad out to water the trees with the firehose in the back of the truck... I adjusted the headlights on the jetta... and other than that I think I watched tv and played some computer games... Looking back, these are the vacations that I remember the most.. the ones that I just sit around doing nothing... relax and just be as my mom would say, "A bump on a log" not really sure what that means, but it seems to fit.. LOL..

I look forward, now smileing... at where I am going, where I have been, looking forward to the challenges ahead of me... I think that the rest of this year will bring alot of groath and smiles for me..

OMG destruction derby OMG Lawn mower races...

ok so... dad mentioned there being a destruction derby in a town about 50 miles over I had never been to one... so I figured "what the heck lets go" and now... I don't even know where to start... lol..

Dad and I went to glasco (the town 50 miles over) we got there at like 5:00 the derby was not supposed to start until 7 so we figured we would wander around the fair for a while.... first of all the fairgrounds... if you can call them that were TINEY!!!!! like 3 rides and it was FULL, there was a barn for sheep, one for cows, one for pigs and all of them were less than 40 ft long... I thought I grew up in a small town..LOL.... Second point... I FOUND where they were put all the corn-fed farm boys that I hear so much about... I had to fight from letting my head spin around on its axis several different times.. WOW... what a difference 50 miles would make... if only I could bag one and bring him home for erich... LOL... ANYHOO...

we decided to get a soda and head into the derby.. it was prolly almost 6 or 6:30 by then (not having a watch made it rough.. LOL) they were auctioning off the cars in the derby, winner would split the pot (which ended up being like 3k). This seemed to take FOREVER... FInally when they done.. I was talking to dads neibor (lilly) about the program.. it looked like we had missed the lawn mower races. (somthing I have really wanted to see) as it turns out, inbetween the "heats" they were gonna do the lawnmower races.. This got me pretty excited cause like I said, I have wanted to see this for a while...

The derby got started and the track was SUPER wet, (kept the cars slower cause they were all spinning) the first heat seemed to take a really long time... they go till there are only 2 cars left, those 2 advance to the finals... as the night progressed the track got more and more dry and the speed and the carnage got much higher.. when the first heat was over, there was a small break and the mowers came out... the first class was the up to 8.5 hp. these zipped around the track with some pretty good speed. one mower was CLEARLY faster than the rest..

The announcer then came on and said.. "and now it is time for the super-stock class... these are like the nascar's of the mower racing world" Yes I am serious.. he actually said that... it is TRULLY a different world up there.. This class is up to 25 hp and reach speeds of 75 MPH.... that is NOT a misprint.... 75 on a riding mower... HOW COOL IS THAT?? in fact the announcer said that they are 1 second off the pace of the mini-sprint race cars on the oval track.. These things WERE AMAZING.... they would pitch them totally sideways, through the turn (this track was an oval) and as they straightened out, you would hear the motor come to life and in several cases the mower would pull the front wheels off the ground.... ON DIRT!!!! after already going a a good clip!!! it made me really want to build one.... but then... I thought better of it..

once the race was over, this one also had a very clear winner, there was another heat of demolition. followed by the finals of the mower races, and then the finals of the demolition derby.. What I did not know is that it is disqualification if you hit the drivers door of one of the cars. this is aperently for safty. Then it happened... To ME... it looked like car a was backing up to smash the back of car B, Car B then backed up and car Hit his door.... the crowd was IMMEADETLY on its feet booing and calling for the judges to throw that guy out (I personally think there was more than this event behind this reaction) the judges aperently saw what I saw... they let the match go on, and the offender won the derby... I seriously thought the croud was going to jump the fence and start a brawl... it was DEFinatly a..... Experence.. LOL

Dad and I snuch out and headed home.
Thought I better put this all down so I would remember

More Thoughts and feelings

This is a post I have been thinking about a while now... not even sure where to start... I have been thinking a lot about what I want.. and even more about what I don't want. What I don't want is to get into a situation like I was in the past, and when I say that what I mean is.. I don't want to be in a situation where I am afraid to say what is on my mind.. I don't want to be afraid to be who I am.

To be fair, I also don't want whoever I am in a relationship with, to have any of these fears. On that same line of thought, I also want the relationship I am in to be balanced in a way that we both agree on. In the past this was something I had a different opinion on.. I was looking for a complete balance of power between me and who I was with.... Now what I think I am looking for is a balance that is agreed on by me and the person I am in the relationship with.

I have been thinking about my past, and the relationships I have been in.. the highs, the lows, the mistakes, the lessons I have learned... i look at relationships others are in, and have been in. from all these things, I am trying to gather what is right for me and what is not. what I want and what I don't. what decisions I am going to make about future relationships.

I think a lot about the possibilities that I have before me... right now... the different directions I could take my life right now, the things I have already done... how far I have come, vs how far I may have to go to be where I want to be in my life... I feel I have to weigh the choices, and what each if them mean...

becasue I don't feel like I have all of the answers yet, I have chosen to work on the ME issues first. I want to loose a little weight, I want to be more active, I want to work a more normal schedule until I can make this business thing work. I want to get my teeth fixed... thats a big one... this is what I am going to try working on for the next several weeks to see if I can make progress on... I do feel like I have a better Idea of the decisions I need to make in the near future. 1. they make me smile and 2. I think I am better equipped for the decisions I need to make... this also makes me smile.

Day 2

today was pretty uneventful... I ran dad's swather in the bad lands for a little while, his asthma was acting up so we called it short and came in. spent the rest of the day watching movies with the family. It was a really present time... just thought I would put it down here. was nice to be around everyone again.

first day here in the big sky country.

so today, I spent the whole day with my dad, catchin up and moving moving 1500 lbs round bails of hay 7 bails at a time... 10500 lbs a shot... and heres the kicker, the trailer is ballanced so that as soon as you release the handel it dumps itself.... I found that pretty impressive... we moved them to several different places. Once we were done, we decided to go and find dad's neibor who was cutting wheat.. I was going to ride around inthe cab of the harvester to see how it all worked...

Once we found him, I rod with him for about 30 minutes or so, his machine was a $300K john dear, that has more gadgets and gizmos... from gauges that tell him how fast to go to be at the optimal speed for the machine, to presets for the cutter head height, and paddles.. in fact the whoel cutter head runs on 2 wheels supported by air bag suspension to keep the header level with the ground and to keep it from hitting the dirt. Larry, (the gentalman running the harvester) was also quite skilled. I imagine it comes from doing it for so many years.. we ran from the truck up to the end of the field and back and it was perfect for one full load of grain... like as we passed the end of the wheat row, the buzzer for "full bin" went off. he then unloaded the 500 bushals or 14000 lbs of weight into the truck, which was also cool... his new truck was powered by a 8.1 cummins turbo diesel, and an allison automatic... he bought the truck as a trailer truck, had the frame streched to put a grain box and dump bead on the truck... it was actually pretty cool...

Well after that, dad drove home the tractor we were using to load the truck, I drove the truck home. once we were there we unloaded some loose bails we had collected, into the horse corral feeder. we all came in for lunch and watched movies for the rest of the day... I also spend some time thinking today.. I will have to post my thoughts tomarrow.

here at last....

ok... well I am here... finally... so tired I just want to sleep, took some back roads to get here... what am I saying?? all the roads here are backroads. and it cut an easy hour of the drive here.. we unloaded the car, had some food.. I hopped on here to let some friends know I made it, and now I am headed off to bed...

more later I am sure..

OMG.... what a trip

ok... so we left... drove through the night to salt lake city.. pulled in at like 2am... just to findout the WHOLE CITY was sold out for hotel rooms... from the utah boarder to Idaho Falls Idaho..... thats like 400 miles of sold out...aperently bacause of a "Reail COnvention" there were 40,000 people in for salt lake city utah. needless to say, we decided to keep going..... once the sun came up, I figured we might as well drive the rest of the way, long story short, (to late) we stopped in pokatilla Utah had some breakfast, and pulled into billings MT, at about 10:30am.

A full 24hours pluse earlier than I had planned... once here I was gonna get a motel and just hang out for a day..... but guess what? thats right no hotel rooms in all of billings... at this point I was ready to just drive to my parents place and come back to billings the next day... I called my mom and between her an I we found a room in north dakota.... luckely that was only about 50 miles away...

Once there, the owner of the establishment gave be the third degree about my jetta and how much he wanted one, blah blah blah. now that we are here in the room, I plan to pass out and put this whole trip behind me... lol... at least it wasn't on my own... I am so glad erich could come with me.. I think I would have lost it on my own.. LOL

loaded and ready..

all packed up... had breakfast with L after I dropped off the plants, got all packed... took a LONG RELAXING shower.. that was SUPER nice... locked up the house turned everything off. Now I am just sitting here waiting to hear back from Erich, and then we should be off.. hope to make it to saltlake city... stay the night there and then make the second half of the drive tomarrow, staying the night, and sending erich off back to here, and picking up sarah.. so far so good.

now its just a waiting game...

friday morning, sleeping in

AH, sleeping in... I slep till like 9 today, that was so nice... I still have to pack and get some stuff done, but this is the best way to start the day..

lets see, I have to pack, get the plants over to loren so he can take care of them while I am gone, secure the house, and run to the shop to pick up erich by 2, I think I can do that....

hehe
getting kinda excited now..

Unexpected late night

*written earlier and post-dated*

ok so.. ended up being at work till like 1am... was not real excited about that, had a failure with one of the servers here. so My coworker "chris" and I were here late... the good news is that its all up and going now... I am NOT going to go into work tomarrow though, with all the stuff I still need to do in order to be ready...

ug... sleep...

Trip across the country

*wrote this earlier and post dated it*

Tomarrow I leave for Montana... I have decided to drive my VW... I think my mom is going to actually buy it from me. As much as I love that car, it would really help for me getting this business I have been thinking about off the ground... humm... thinking, have been doing alot of that lately... life, history, the future, what I want... people in my life both past and present... I think that this trip will e good for me.. it will let me get away... unplug... I don't really do that enough I think...

I recieved a pleselt surprise when my friend erich said he would make the drive to montana with me if I wanted... as much as I used to love it... I really don't like driving long distances alone anymore... even if someone is there sleeping in the seat next to me, I like it better than traveling alone... I find this most odd, because driving alone used to be when I got the most thinking done..

Erich has an apointment tomarrow at 1:30 and will leave some time after that, I believe that salt Lake City is half way between here and montana, so I think that we will stay there....

more later.

broken

I often wonder whats wrong with me... feeling like there is something wrong with my brain.. I am sitting here listening to music at work
wondering why I can't be more normal... that seems to be a theme of my life. why I could not have been more normal looking, why I always seemed to stick out??

sometimes I can convince myself that is what makes me special is that all these oddities have made me a better person... I just have a hard time believing that.

there are so many things in my life that I would like to what I call "fix".. perhaps the only way to "fix" them is to make a list, and start working on them.

I have decided to not have any alcohol for 3 weeks... I decided that yesterday, so that will put me out to august 25th. I had started taking to drinking at home alone, sometimes. That was usually followed by passing out and sleeping till the next day. its not like I was destructive or anything. but I want to make sure I can make it that long without any alcohol.. I don't think I really have a problem, but better safe than sorry I suppose.