Music

thought I would add a quick blurb here, I have now listened to these new cd's I have all the way through, and I have just started over again... I look forward to when I can have a car with satalite so that I can listen to this new music on a more regular basis... I miss it...

the morning... emotions, but put to good music

so I am still emotional this morning... wasn't sure how much till I got to work and read the messages people had sent me... it still amazes me how crewel some people can be and not even realize it. oh well, at least the morning has been put to good music. On the advice of a long time friend of mine Rich... http://rich.cyrek.net/ I ordered "the Event" by Tony Moran, and weather by design or coinadence, on the drive in I ran the full gammit of emotion listening to this music.. its been SOOO long since I have listened to a dance/trance cd... normally it is my own mix that NEVER flows like this. Listening to this I want to go out and dance, put my hands up and just forget about this world and all the uglieness in it. In Fact, I may try that "burn" club rich has been talking about, see if it offers a good place to get out and move.... its been to long I think.

there is literely to much going through my head right now to really put down in words, but I will say that there are times in my life that I really hate being right, there are times I hate that I have spent so much time learning how people operate. It has lead to so much pain in my life, and yet I choose to continue, choose to put myself out there instead of putting up a wall. In the long run, I think that this is prolly the better way.

yeah work... more later..

lots of emotion tonight

Well tonight I have alot of emotion, from confusion, to a sence of accomplishment, to a sence of justification... I hope to be able to write about it in more detail soon, but I just can't right now. just wanted to note that I am having it....

I did get acomplished what I wanted to get acomplished today though, got all of the stuff moved that I needed to.. went and got the wood to set it all on. took a little longer than I had thought, but I definatly got my excorcise today, I feel less like a sloth today, more like the way I want to feel in the future, like I accomplished somthing...

Got the cd's in the mail I have been waiting for... I will write abut them tomarrow when I get them all on my i-pod..

well more later..

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.

adventures in Volkswagen land....

so, as planned I left here to go take care of some stuff. got the cable and the check fed ex'd to mom.... and on the way to the coffee shop, my glow plug light started flashing, this kinda freaked me out. I remembered that it usually had somthing to do with the break light switch. Once I was to the shop I had hans step on the breaks and sure enough there weren't any... so I called VW and told them what had happened, they said to bring it in because it was a recall. dropped it off and asked them for an oil change too, should be all happy when it comes back to me.. kinda a weird experience all the way around though... I mean the glow-plug light flashing... how weird is that?

content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...

Weekend In LA

SO...... I went to LA this weekend, hung out with my friend kristina and her son E.... I think I am just gonna recap the weekend in this post

Thursday:
Long horriable day, was in the office till after 11 sometime with the vendor watching them piddle around with stuff. went home and fell asleep.

Friday:
ended up getting up early, and thought I would go see if there were any interesting cars to rent for the weekend. I wandered down the tha airport checked out enterprise, saw they had a sentra decided to rent it... I parked my car in long term parking for the weekend and headed in the rental up to erich's to drop off frozen drink machine parts and to pick up "helen" the navagation woman.. LOL (really a garman portable nav unit) after that I headed back up to the house, stopped by saw loren and what he and his mother had done to the back yard... it looked really nice... at some point I will have to get into my issues areound that whole process. but that is for a later time...

from there I headed home, packed, cleaned up and shut down the computers in the house. I left and headed to 52nd and I-10 to top off with fuel before headed to LA. once on my way the trip went fairly un eventfull until about 30 miles fome that az/ca border. where I saw a DPS officer in the slow lane aperently doing about 65 in a 75 zone... I looked down and I was doing about 73... I figured I would slow to 70 and if I still caught up to him I would pass him.. well I did catch him and I did pass him and he proceeded to pull behind me turn on his lights and pull me over..... I hve not been pulled over in several years, so I was kinda at a loss why he would be pulling me over.. I waited paticently for him to make it to the car, I rolled down my passenger side windowand he bent down to look in... the first thing I noticed was he looked about 21-22 and the second thing I noticed was that he was VERY attractive. he imformed me that he pulled me over because I had the NAV unit in the window where it "blocked the drivers view" he then asked me to get out of the car and come back and stand near the front of his car. (I started to get concerned) once out of the car it became very apperent to me that he was in training, and his partner was far less formal. I stood there on the side of the road while he ran my information, and we chatted about what I did, and how to make money on the internet.... and of course his partner had to know if I knew danica kirkpatrick (the formula 1 race car driver that my company sponsers) i had to inform him that I did not, conversation was very casual and free flowing, so when he broke out his ticket book I was rather bummed.. I was hoping for a warning or somthing... he got finished writing and told me it was a written warning and that I should have a good day.... "yes sir, thank you sir... you to..." and I was once again off.

I had decided on the drive out there that I was going to take it easy, enjoy myself and stop when I wanted to... I stopped at blyth, car got 43 MPG WOW.... got a sandwitch, had a drink... continued on to cabazon, where I got fuel again... 38MPG, and checked out the outlet stors. I was looking for flip-flops but could not find the ones that I was looking for that I had found the last time. oh well... so I decided to press on..

I hit some pretty nasty traffic on the 91 but that was to be expected.. I really enjoyed driving the sentra in traffic, very smooth and just enough pick up and go. I got a call from kristina when I was getting ready to get on the 241 about 4:30 or so.. and Arived about 5.

we said our helow's and decided to go forage for some food and I needed to find some shoes for saturday at six-flags. I found a pair of shoes, they were not as comfy as the ones I had, but they would have to do, more sketchers. we then went and saw a couple of the sites around where she lived and proceeded to woo hoo's or wahoo's er somthing like that... where I had a tariaki chicken that I swar had opeium or somthing in it... it was SOOOOOOO good.. and I could not get enough.. then it was back to here place, a movie, some video games and then off to bed for an early start off to six flags...

Saturday:
Up at the crack of 5am, got showered and put on the cloths for the day which included my "you must be this tall to ride this ride" shirt... I thought it seemed appropiate.. Woke up E and he got dressed and ready. we all had some cereal and then we were off.. the park opened at 10 and we arived at the park by 9:30, stopping by a convience stor to get me an energy drink (was feelin a little tired and wanted a little pick me up) I should mention that my biggest fear with comeing out to LA and taking E to six flags was that I had not seen him in several years and he used to be so quiet and shy.. that fear slipped away about 5 minutes into the car ride where I realized we didn't need the radio.. LOL it was nice that we had the same taste in music (thanks in part to his mom I am sure) and the trip up there was fairly quick and uneventfull lots of talking, and misc...

Once at the park we made our way to the gates, just as they were opeaning, and once inside it was time to decide what we were going to go on first... E said that he wanted to go on somthing not to wild first but that had a loop... that was easy... the reveloution was one of the parks frist roller coasters and it had a loop... that went off really well not having to wait in line, then we went over to the viper (which has like 5 loops) but the line was already an hour... I thought it mightbe a good idea to hit the back side of the park where the less popular rides were. we hit riddlers revenge (stand up coaster) batman, and 2 others that I will have to go look up, all with no lines... after the first time on riddlers revenge, I had to take a break... (see energy drink above) my stomach was killing me... after hitting all the rides on the back side of the park, we went to see what the line was at some of the other attractions. the more we walked the longer the lines got and by noon they were all over 1.5 hours. E hates lines aperently, so we decided to come back and check out the riddler again. the line was not to long but it was sill about an hour... after that wait E looked kinda defeated. I told him we could do whatever he wanted... he decided he would like to go get somthing to eat outside the park and go home and play some games.. this worked for me espically since my stomach was still feeling funny...

we found an arby's on the way home, and had some food. my chicken sanwich ROCKED... we hit some pretty nasty traffic on the way home, it was ok because we were both glad to be sitting down anyway... we were about 30 minutes from home when Kristina called and asked where we were... I told here, she seemed surprised but totally understood.. she had taken a nap and relaxed for the day which sounded like what she needed.

once home, we hung out, played some video games, and then kristina and I went to dinner and left E home to play... this worked out much better than I had imagined because it gave kristina and I time to catch up, we went to roundtable for pizza (my favorite place) and 2 1/2 hours passed faster than I could have imagined.. home and then sleep... sunday was planned to be mellow.

Sunday:
We had planned sunday to be a leisurly day... drive up the coast, some lunch and then sprinkles.. MMMMM sprinkles... but I am getting ahead of myself. Sunday I woke up with the sun streaming through the windows, looked at my phone saw that it was like 8:30, "cool I slept in" I thought. layed there for a while, got up took a shower, and somehow got sucked into the game that aperently everyone plays called "guild wars" Kristina spent an hour or so just showing me the basics... then we left to go drive up the coast. we made it through several of the laguna's LOL kristina showed me where her boss used to take the team to lunch with the understanding that it was a quiet lunch, no talking, where they would just listen to the sounds around them.. to me that sounded like SUCH a good idea.. anyhoo.. we made it up to newport beach, and my stomach was telling me it was time to eat. we ended up eating at Califorina Pizza Kitchen... and I even left the veggies on my pizza.. LOL after eathing it was ON TO SPRINKLES!!!!!!

SPRINKLES:

Yes it gets its own heading... Kristina told me about this place when I was still in PHX... they are cupcakes... yes thats right... cupcakes http://www.sprinklescupcakes.com/ they are the most yummy cupcakes I have ever had... Thats saying somthing, cause I am not a big cupcake person... it is like they have crack in them or somthing... LOL there is one comeing to scottsdale, that should be a good time..

Guild Wars:
The other sugnificant thing that happened while I was out in LA, is I got hooked on guildwars. http://www.guildwars.com/ yes I know yet another on-line game that I am addicted to... but this one does't have a subscription fee.. so thats good...


Monday:
Monday I got up early came home, relaxed the rest of the day, and played guild wars... LOL maybe I will come back and update this more later..

LA/Six flags tomarrow

Just sitting here watching the vendor stumble through their crapy software... again... my mind wondering to tomarrow, I will be driving out to LA to hang out with Kristina and to take E to SIx-flags, I am pretty excited about it. I think that I may drive my the rental car place on the wya home, see if there is anything interesitng to rent, might be fun to drive a new altima or sentra out there, see if they are worth to replace my altima... if not I have reserved myself to just drive my altima. I did a little research on six-flags and it looks as thought they have put up some pretty mean coasters since the last time I was out there. and since E likes to go upside down, it looks like I am in for a day of it.. LOL

It has been far to long since I went to LA and even longer since I have seen Kristina. This is something that I am really looking forward to, and something I am missing my Datsun meet in canby Oregon for... Oh that reminds me.. I got a message today saying that my old friend kevin Palmer was going to be there at the canby car show this year, apparently he is gonna drive up his Z... that really made me want to go, but it just wasn't meant to be...

I had a couple friends over for BBQ last night tried out the grill that is natural gas powered that came with the house... worked pretty well.. cooked fillet mijnion (spelling sorry) and burgers, they turned out pretty good... was a really good evening, started up the 510 for them after putting in some injector cleaner that L had suggested a couple weeks back... that seemed to clear up alot of the cars issues... it was also late and cool, that might have had something to do with it who knows. I am definatly looking forward to having it back on the road again thats for sure. hopefully soon.

I guess thats it for tonight, I had some extra time to kill so figured I would put some stuff in here.. nothing to important I guess...

thoughts on relationships

Seems to me that this subject has come up in my life repeadly in the last 2 weeks. Gay relationships to be specific. All the different types, Open, monogmous, more than 2 parties. No matter how many times this subject comes up I keep coming back to my own definition of a relationship. A relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Sure seems like a simple thought. straightforward, nothing really hidden. As long as the people in the relationship are communicating. Agree on whatever the parameters have been defined in their particular relationship, with no one getting hurt, then who cares what other people think....

If only the world worked that way, if only people were all open minded enough to see if it works for them, then that is all that really matters. outsiders don't have to understand it, just accept it. I think that our community is on the bleeding edge for the new definitions for relationships... at least I think we are the most willing to talk about it. I personally enjoy the subject, getting other opinions, hearing people say they think this or that is wrong. its interesting to let someone get all the ways that they think a certin type of relationship is wrong out in the open and then start asking questions. Why do you think that? does this have some kind of negative effect on you? is what they are doing hurting anyone? I don't do this because I am trying to be an ass, but I want people to see that narrow mindedness is somthing that leads to discrimination, segragation, and anger. In a case like this I have to ask... WHY??? it would be like me telling somone that I think it is wrong for them to wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. Ya it might look bad to me, but its not hurting anyone, and they like it. so more power to them, maybe that will be the next fashion trend (god I hope not). I know that is an odd way to compare things, but I think it fits, and after all this is MY blog.. LOL

I spent a considerable amount of time chasing an ideal when it comes to relationships... I had found someone who was my best friend, and I was going to do anything and everything I could to be with this person... Anything I could to make this person happy. For a long time I was pretty successfull. Then I decided I would like some some stuff for me... I think this is where I made my first mistake. Because I wanted to fundamentaly change the relationship I don't think that was fair. instead I should have talked to him and told him how I felt and that I thought I was not really letting him see who I really was. Instead I chose to ask for things that were outside the definition of our relationship. I then became offended and hurt when I did not get them, so I asked different ways and pushed harder and harder, untill finally we hit an impass.. I was no longer willing to give and he was not willing to give... we both had our reasons, right or wrong... but it all comes back to communication first. So the relationship came to an end, now I am faced with the thought that I may have lost my best friend to. This again was also due to mistakes that I made. I need to now figure out how to work all of these mistakes and lessons learned into my life in a way that I will not have to make the same mistakes again, and hope that our friendship is not damaged beyond repair.

I will be the first to say that I am always learning new ways to communicate, and how bad I am at communicating certain things. thinking exactly what I want to say, and then having something completely different come out. This is something that I think is driven my fear both of confrontation and loosing something that I care about, ironically this is also the cause of me loosing some of the things that I have cared the most about, which is another reason to work on the issue in the first place.

I am now faced with someone who wants to enter a relationship with me, I will admit I let things go further than I had initially planned, much faster than I had planned. I felt like I just was not ready for something so soon, (relationships have the worst timing sometimes). But I also have to say that the experience has also been positive for me. So much different, I have been completely open and honest with him from day one, telling him that I am and would be a mess, he has been honest with me, nothing shrouded in secrecy or emotion, each time I test the limit, saying exactly what is on my mind, getting a response that he thinks he can understand and responding openly and honest to me. Something I so wish I would have done with L... that is one of my single biggest regrets, followed closely by pushing him so hard for the things I knew he didn't want/wasn't ready for hiding behind the excuse of "I can make things better for him" when all I was doing was making him feel trapped, I will not deny that we have had some truly wonderful moments, things that story's are written about, also some pretty dark moments too, time I would not go back and change for fear of losing any of those memories.

I don't know what role this new person is going to play in my life in the long run, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic, I honestly don't know what will happen from here, althought I am trying to stay positive about this and the rest of my life, it would be so easy to fall back into depression with this, I have just chosen to not let it happen this time, to let things go, and just see what happens.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff now, the past several years spent climbing to the top, now I stand alone, ready to jump off into the unknown... seeing highlights of what may be in my future, wondering what adventures await me? wondering if I will be ok? wondering whats next?

Excited about my LA trip

So I have made my decision... I am going to LA to visit Kristina, her son and maybe eve nudge.... if he has any time where he is not working... and to be honest.. I am really excited.. this will be my first pleasure trip on my own in quite a while... there was always something that was attached to my trips that hung over my head.

After work today I am going to make a trip down to the airport and see what rental cars are aviable. see if I can rent a sentra or somthing for the trip... I will prolly just end up takeing the altima though. will prolly save me money in the long run, and don't have to stress about wrecking a rental.

these last few days I have had an enormous amount of stress, and I saw the effect it had on me in the short term and can feel the long term effects. I have decided that I want to take at least 1 long weekend every other month and just get away for a little while..

I talk to people and they say they can't understand how I can work so hard for so many hours. to be honest I until recently have not even realized I was.. it was just part of what I needed to do to make it through life. every now and then I would stop to "smell the roses." but for the most part it was work and sleep. ben talking to my friend eric, and I think that he is right. its a matter of working till 4ish, and then standing up and walking away from it. I just need to do it.

I want to make it a goal to smile more, work less, and just be positive as much as I can, about everything. stay on top of the things that help me stay positive and happy.