Positive thoughts and writings....

so after this crappy day at work.. I thought I would take a moment or two and write some positive stuff, things that I am happy about things that I am greatful for.

I am grateful for my friends and the joy they bring into my life.
I am grateful that I have a family that I know loves me and would do anything to help me.
I am happy that I have experienced love and caring so deep that it felt like the two of us were one.
I am grateful that I am in a position that I can enjoy my hobies, and the things that I love
I smile and I am happy when I close my eyes and think of all the wonderful things that the future holds for me and how much I am going to enjoy experiencing them.

I try to think of theses things through out the day, and constently come up with new ones. but I thought it would be good for me to put a few down in writing, so that when I come back and read this I can see that its not all negativity that I write about, but also very positive things... its seems we (me and my friends who also keep on-line journals of one type or the other) seem to come to these places of writing archives and write feaverishly and with greate verv about the dark things in our lives, the things that disturb us and makes us cry... lately I have thought alot about why I do this, and for me I think it is because I know that I will come back and read them later and subconciously there is a feeling of never wanting to forget when I was hurt, when I cried, or when I generally feel not so good.

I am going to make it my effort here to post things that are positive as well as negative. I feel that this way both the people who read here and when I come back to read, will see that I am not a negative person.. in fact the oppisite is true... I am usually annoyingly optimistic... I want this to become my point of record of my thoughts and experiences in life. I want to remember all of them, good and bad for as long as I can. This is how I can best learn I think... from my experiences.

I am forcing myself to look to the future, smile and realize that I have no idea what is around the next corner, but that no matter what it is, it will not stop me from being optimistic and excited about might come next.

wednesday morning

I have been reading some of my friends blogs, and I realize that my trials in life are not always my own. that most people go through them. I have been very careful about what I put in here... mostly since I started writing where it is publically aviable, leaving out names, leaving out the detail of my life. Worried what my friends would think if they ready all the detailed thoughts that I have. Until now I have been ok with this, but the more I read on the web, and the more that see that this is supposed to be a place I can put down my thoughts for me first, where I can come back and remember what I was thinking of feeling. The more I realize that I need to put down more of my full thoughts and feelings. I think moving forward this is somthing I am going to try and do here in my blog.

Last night... last night I left work, I don't even remember what time it was, but I think it was close to 6, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. As it turns out leaving the cooler on all night was not such a good idea. I called loren on the way home and left him a v-mail saying that I could not stop by and pick up the stuff he had for me (his family had started collecting things for me before I bought the house and they were not trickeling over to lorens house) I just felt really tired and run down.

I came home and instead of going to bed like I had planned, I tinkered on the 510. I took it on a couple test drives, and it became clar to me that I don't think it is going to make it to canby, maybe next year, I just refused to feel rushed.. After finishing working on the car, I went into the house washed up, turned on the cooler, stripped down and fell into bed. I ended up watching the rest of heroes that I had not seen yet, and was a little dissapointed with how it ended.... or should I say wrapped up this volume... at some point Loren had sent me a message saying he hoped I felt better, I replied with I was in bed resting trying to feel better. I still feel like our relationship as friends/ex's or whatever title you want to give it, is still very strained. This is somthing that has been on my mind for about a week now. Did I make the right choice? is this the best thing for me? I know that I could ask anyone close to me and they would say yes... but they never saw him like I did, when we were alone, how he could... when he wanted to.... make me smile, laugh, or cry... 10 years is a long time, its a long time to just give up on or to let go of easily. I feel like we grew up together, almost like he is my little brother...

By the time Heroes was done it was 1am and I was pretty sore all over so I thought it would be good to try and get some rest, I turned on a eppiside of law and order set the TV to sleep, and ended up sleep ing right through my alarm. i felt rested but had a pretty nasty sour throat. when I woke up my first thoughts were of cammeron, and that I had not heard from him yesterday, this seemed a little odd to me, but I shrugged it off and got in the shower. I remembered something Loren said to me the last time I saw him... he said "Well if you make him happy and he makes you happy then thats all that really matters." I thought about that through my shower, and as I was getting dressed. I think that I do make him happy, and I think that he does make me happy. My issue is that with him starting ASU in September, he will have new experiences and meet new people. I don't want to stand in the way of that. I want him to have a good time and enjoy his time there. The conclusion I came to is that I should keep things as they are, and let him start school and see what happens. No predetermined thoughts or expectations.

That brings me to now, being at work typing this message. I have thought quite a bit about my goals, and I think that I am going to look for weight loss/getting in shape to be at the top of the list. combined with eating more healthy, and being positive as much as I can. to quote one of my previous thoughts. Live, be happy, knowing that any day, any hour, any moment, the next wonderful thing could come along that would totally change my life forever.

blog side note

I have noticed that my blog has taken a darker turn. This has not been intentional, and I plan for that to change here in the upcoming weeks, I think that this is also part of the goals things I will be working on. Smile its a 4-day work week....

goals

today, I am thinking about goals.. I think that I have met most of the goals that I was looking to accomplish at least the short term ones, and even a couple of the more long term ones. I think that it is now time for me to set some more longer term goals, I think that it is time for to think of ways to keep those goals in focus. I often think that I can't do something on my own, that I need someone to help be do something. I believe that it is time for me to leave reminders of why I need to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.

at the top of my list, as it has been for a while is getting my weight under control. I think that today I will go and buy a scale and take pictures of myself as a Before page, I will then set weekly goals for myself and write notes put them on the computer and in my wallet, so that I remember why I am doing this... once I can prove to myself that I can keep up with this, I think that I will cancel TV and get a gym member ship, see if I can go every day before work... even if it is just to do a little crdio.. I would like to get my energy levels up and get my weitgh to a more healthy level... as part of this I am going to have to train myself how to eat healthy food, this will include vegetables. I believe this will be the hardest part for me... i also believe that if I don't do this for myself I think that I will never really be able to make it to a place where I am happy with how I look... I don't want to be a body builder or to be perfect.... but I do want to look in the mirror and think, ya I don't look to bad... instead of avoiding mirrors at all costs...

I will have to post actual goals today, once I have a scale, and what i think I can acomplish. maybe 5 lbs the first 2 weeks, and then 5 each week after that till I reach a goal weight, and then adjust the goals.

Late night random thoughts

ramdom thoughts... I sent loren a text message this weekend, after I pushed send I reliezed how several small words could hold so much meaning. I still have times when I feel like there is a key piece of my life that is missing. Like that missing puzzle piece that you can't find no matter how hard you look... no matter what pieces that you find, none seem to fit the way that you feel they should. I think that tomorrow I will think some about some goals, things that are able to be accomplished, things that will help me become a better person.... listening to some sappy music tonight... prolly not the best idea, but sometimes its good to just cry...

thinking...

so.... I don't even know how to start this... I believe that everything happens for a reason... that there are no accidents... but lately I feel so disconnected to from the things that I heald so dear for so long... I feel like I am being torn away from the things that have meant the most to me for years... I have to wonder if this is how it is supposed to be, I have to wonder what is next for me... if I made the right choices? if I made the right choices for the right reasons... i try very hard not to regret any of the decisions that I make, but at the same time I have to stop and think about some of the choices I have made recently. I think about the past, about the future, and ocasional think about the present. People that I are in my life, people that are no longer in my life...

I think that it is time that I sit down and make some goals, short term and long term, things that I need to change in my life, things that I want to make me truly happy... I had a dream about M the other night, I drempt that I was sleeping next to him, just cuddeling... I woke up crying... so much emotion..

I took the past monday off sick, I just could not seem to get out of bed.. I felt like I had the world's weight pushing down on me. Its not like I was depressed, just that I didn't have the mental strength to get up out of bed to come to work... I ended up going over to Eric's and we went for breakfast and bummed around a little, that was really nice. it made me think that I should really get a way for a little while, I am supposed to go to Oregon in june and I don't think I will have the 510 together by then... that makes me sad, but I just have not been in a good mental state to work on it. I don't want to push it, if I can't enjoy working on it then I don't want to.

so many things on my mind... so may things that I should really put down somewhere, that I can look at later... I am just not sure how to put them into words.

I think I will stop there. maybe add some more later when I get home and relax a little...

at home in the dark....

with all the things that have happened in the last couple of days, my brain has gon into thinking mode again..

I think I am such a easy person to read, but maybe most people are eaiser to read than most even realize.. maybe people just don't take the time to get to know someone.. rushing through life to and fro, never stopping to make connections with people.. I wonder if those people will reach the end and wonder where it all went? its such a short time that we are here, and lately it just seems like people are so focused on their day to day tasks that they miss out on all the wonderfull things going on around them.

I found myself thinking today about the time that loren and I were at borders at the esplinad and the young man was there with his mother. She fell and the young man could not help her up by him self, so loren and I helped, and all she could say was that she was so sorry, like it was somehow her fault and that she was putting someone out... have we really reached a point in socicity where this is the mentatality.. that the elderly and infirm are a nusance.... I often think about how things will be when I am old.... well older.... I wonder if there will be anyone interested in spending time with me? if there will be any thing for me? how old I will be when the light that has been my life reaches it conclusion...

I am sure that most of this comes from the stuff with my mom, binging up alot of old thoughs, that I have not thought about for a long time. In one hand I feel like my soul is so old, that I was born in the wrong decade, that I would like nothing more than to live in a simpeler time, a time where people actually stopped smelled the roses, took time to relax, and took that extra moment to help their fellow man...

Mom

I called mom yesterday for mothers day... the conversation was very light and it was a good converstaion... Dad got on the phone and we talked for a little while, he then told me mom had gone a little loop, that she had not eaten and was repeating herself, and was really disoriented. At the time he had told me that he thought the had low blood sugar, and that she had a soda and seemed to "snap out of it" I mean like I said she seemed ok on the phone.

this today I read my email and she had sent the family a message yesterday night that didn't make alot of sence, and it repeated itself a couple times, was more than a little scary... then there was another message that detailed what happened after I had hung up with her. she went to the hospital and had a cat scan, was having trouble remembering things... she has another apointment today, I hope to hear more soon... had to put all this down in writing...

the weekend...

The weekend is over, and as I sit here listening to some heavy trance music on my headphones, I think back over the weekend. WOW is the best way to describe it. Seems like so much is happening in such a short time...

I often wonder if life is a grouping of little circles... when I say that I mean I wonder if we go through things that we have already gone through in a slightly different way so that we can remember, so that we can get a different perspective... I have noticed that I have gone through alot of the stuff I have already been trough in my life again recently, but this time its like I am on the opposite side of the situation, seeing things from the other perspective. its really weird to see a situation coming and realize that I am now on the other side. it has caused some really emotional nights, and also some true smiles and laughter... at the same time I am apprehensive about the future, and the things that may be coming. i find my self stressed out about stuff that 1. I have no control over. 2. things that I have done everything I can about, and 3. things that are so far in the future, that I need to just let things happen and see where they go... I guess there is alot more time to think about things now, time to sit in the dark, time to deal with my deamons. I find myself spending alot of time with friends now, compensating I think... I need to try and spend some time alone, so that I can get used to it. so that I can be good at being on my own again...

I talked to mitch today, that was nice... it did make me realize that I made a few promises that I need to keep this year, I need to make an appoitment with the dentist and the doctor for my snoring and lack of sleep... I hope Mitch will get to come down and visit AZ this year, I think that would be a good time.

First week in the new house

Well today marks my first week in the house... through the trials and tribulations, I find myself now questioning if this was the right choice, wondering is there was another way. I keep telling myself that this was the only way. When I see the beautiful home that I now live in, I think that this will be the place that I call home in the future, and for a while. currently it doesn't quite feel like home... there is just something missing for it to be home. I know what it is, but I also know that this the way things need to be. That this is how It needs to be for me to move forward and to be a participant of life instead of just along for the ride.

I even miss that little evil doggy that used to chew up my stuff... How odd is that? I have thought several times about getting a furry little mongrel of my own, but I think that it would not be fair since I am gone so much, maybe I need to get a roommate... someone to rent the extra room. Lots of random thoughts as I end the week.

On the lighter side, there are alot of positive things that have happened in the last week. I have been able to spend some quality time with my thoughts, as i have fixed little things wrong with my new house.... that still sounds weird to say; My House... ya still doesn't sound quite right, I just still feel like I should be saying "our house". I have fixed 80-90% of the irrigation leaks that I have had with the irrigation system, which makes me happy. I have 2 places that I need to run new lines, one because there is not one run already, and the other because the line is all cracked and needs to be replaced. I think I will try and get that accomplished this weekend. That should keep me busy, I think I will try and get the 510 up and going as well, I need to replace a couple lifters and then get it emissions tested so that I can drive it.

all back entries moved

ok this is now my official blog, I have moved everything from live journal and this is now the only point of record... I will work the next couple of weeks (once I have internat at home) to make it look pretty. YEAH... one more thing off the to do list..

more fun stuff later.

Day from hell

so.. here it is 9:22 and I am still at work.. ya thats right, after being here at like 6:30 I am still here at 9:30... Why??? Why do I do this? I tired, I am getting sick and feel like I am bairly surviving.. almost like it would be beter to stop trying to survive.

everything that could have gone at work today DID, none of the boxes I was told would be done were. Nothing was on the right network. Dealing with these people to get that suff fixed... I would rather go to the dintist and not be given novicain..

this post is just gonna be my complaining, so just deal with it. if all the above was not bad enough... fort knocks, otherwise known as our NEW datacenter, is impossiable to get into, and noone I called (out of the 7 people) had any clue how to get in...I found myself working hard to come up with reasons not to call my boss and tell him "Ya... I am not gonna come in anymore..." but I made it.. cause I am here, writing this entry.. I didn't kill anyone or light the building on fire.. so I think those are points in my favor.. Tomarrow looks to be as bad as today so far, except perhaps we won't have to go to the datacenter... that would be nice anyway..

guess thats it...

Monday after moving.

Well, here I am... sitting at work, a home owner. Wow that really sounds weird to say...

I got a call late on Friday afternoon saying the house had funded and was officially recorded. being neurotic about the whole thing, and having loaded up Erich's borrowed truck and trailer the night before at midnight, I was more than ready to go. Went and met the listing agant at the house, (who also lives 3 doors down) to pickup keys. The Previous owners grandauter was there, tieing down the king size bed that her father/grandfather had given to her (instead of me as he had promised oh well) so I got to meet her, which was more than a little weird.

Since I am at work, I need to condence this a little bit. I got that load of stuff into the garage and made one more that day, then it was time to go see cammeron's play. Erich came up and met me at my new place and we both took the woody wagon out to the play which was in goodyear.... I can't belive how far out that is... LOL The play was really good and after it was over we all went to in and out, Cam decided he wanted to come up and see the new place...

The first night spent in my new place was a little odd, little sounds that I was not used to, the shadows cast on the wall and of course all my stuff not put away yet. Saturday I spent most of the day moving stuff, Loren and I went to breakfast and he helped me out quite a bit. We moved the two non-drivable cars to the new house, and got the rest of the stuff from his place and what I had purchased from the neighbor so by the end of the day, most everything was moved. Loren and Erich came over, we had pizza and moved some stuff around, they both went home and I got in the hot-tub and relaxed, that is SOOO wonderful LOL...

Sunday I spent most of the the day running around returning the trailer and going to the home depot, then hanging out with Erich N and his roommate jon. we came back to my place and they helped me pull some cable from one room to the other, I need to call cox today and look into cable service and internet. the house has never had cable, so I will have to see if they are goint to charge me or not..

I think that is all the update I have so far, wanted to get something written down since I don't have internet at the house yet, figured now is as good of a time as any to get all this stuff in writing.

WHAAAAA delyed AGAIN

ok so, docs STILL have not made it to title.... I am now being told that I will not be able to sign till tomarrow.... hopefully..... this whole process has me more than a little irritated... I don't understand what makes this so hard. I would think that all of this should have been done like weeks ago. I am just trying to relax now and not get to upset, I was supposed to get a call if they arrived at Title... they being hte Docs, but so far nothing... and now it is almost 5, well lets hope for tomarrow right? and then what if it doesn't record. I am sure that is a whole nother mountain of paperwork... must keep breathing. more tomarrow, I am leaving work.. It is time...

yeah more issues

so got a call a few minutes ago from the loan lady, the files she tried to send bounced cause they were to big... so I had to send them all over again... ooo the excitement... hopefully everything gets to title soon, I am soo tired of waiting...

WELL!!!!!

warning this post is written free-form, I will need to edit it later

yesterday ended up being pretty exciting.. and when I say exciting I am not refering to in the exciting way... started with getting here a little late, and fighting some issues at work, but for the most part I felt pretty good. then about 10am I got a call from the loan lady who told me that the lender for my new house, said that they wanted to see "reserves" in my bank account that totaled another 8K this is on-top of the 12K I had already put towards this whole deal... To say that I was stressed would be the understatement of the year... when I told her they had already tapped me out, she told me "well then I guess we are not going to close" dumping it all on me as if I knew about this the whole time and should have been prepared for it. I told here I would make some calls, but I did not have high hopes. I of course called L first to run everything by him. I told him that they only needed to see the money in there until the end of close... thursday.... ya thats right 2 days... he didn't understand that, heck... I didn't understand it.. after we talked about it, he said he would call his mom, to see if they might be able to help, and I called jim and my mom. Mom just to let her know what was going on since she has been so awsome in this whole deal, and jim to just bounce some ideas off him, see if he could give me any insite... My mom was more than a little upset, which is totally understandable in my opinion, waiting till the last hour to spring somthing like this on us is totally unreasonable. I told her I would work on seeing if I could get it taken care of. I got jims v-mail and just told him that I wanted to run the process by him to see what he thought, working for a bank and being one of the most intelegent people that i know I was sure he would have something that would at least shed some light on this whole crazy process... later when I did get ahold of him late in the eveing he told me that, most smaler lenders, have a check list that they go through in order to sell your loan, and as he explained this to me, it started making sence... in the beggning when we told these people there would be no reserves they said, oh ya... no big deal... but it wasn't until that they started going their checklist so that they could sell the loan that it became a requirement... there are a bunch of other really messed things that have happened with this house, but I just don't have the energy to go over them all right now, I hope to write about them later, maybe backdate the post.

after talking to everyone I could think of, I thought I had run out of options... I was talking to my frind eric that I work with, and he offered to loan me the money... to say I was flabergasted was the understatement of the year. long story short... (to late) it turns out that it would cost him 3$ for 3 days to loan me the money... I plan to return the money friday with intrested, and figure out somthing I can do for him, espically since his b-day is coming up.. He got me the money, I put it into my account, got the documentation to the morgage people, by this time it was 4pm. I was really starting to stress out because the seller was supposed to sign his part of the paperwork. about 9pm last night I got a call from gina my realitor, and she relayed to me everything that she had heard, that the documentation is supposed to be at title this morning, and I am supposed to sign as soon as they have it, the money will be wired, and I should be able to get keys and move in on friday............ WOW... thats the first time I have said that... I am going to move in on friday.... to MY house.... WOW... well that was my stress yesterday, inbetween there I went to dinner with loren and had a giant margarita to calm me down. and went home and fixed the media center pc finally, today I guess I get to switch utilities today that should be a good time... er somthing.

on a unrelated note, the new guy they hired for my team, is SUPER sharp, I am really looking forward to his thoughts and ideas, I just hope he stays. I think thats it for now... got to get some work done before the title company calls I suppose

Woopsie... little late today..

got all the way to work today and realized I forgot my phone... WOOPSIE... went home to get it and decided since I was going to be late (even though I don't have a schedule I like to be here by 7am) I figured I would go to the coffee shop and get a coffee then come to work... long story short... (to late) I ended up getting to work at like 8:30.... oh well...