9th floor and holding

so as I lay here, looking out the window of my 9th floor room I find myself thinking about everything. I have some music playing on the ipod, Amazing grace played on bag pipes. That always gives me chills. I am not sure why I have developed this admiration for bagpipe music but its like it connects to the deepest parts of me.

This road I am on, I can see it has turns. I can see that I am in for some tough decisions. I can see that I will spend a good amount of time alone. I can remember a time when even the thought of that was unbearable. The thought of being alone was so terrifying, that I would make decisions that I know now made little sense for me, and many times were actually bad for me. Driven by only my desire to not be alone I made even the worst decisions work. At least at the time I was convinced I was making them work. The Truth is that the pain and sorrow I felt, the internal struggle I had came out in other ways. Often inflicted on people that did not deserver it. At one point in my life I had decided that it was no longer worth "Working to survive." For me it was lucky that there was someone there... to extend a helping hand in my hour of deepest need. Its weird for me to write about this now. It seems so long ago, and I seem like such a different person now.

The struggles I face now, and those which are in my future will push me, they will test me. I know that I am a stronger person for them. Its odd to me, I can take a step back from my life, I can see my life from a outside perspective, and I question things. Why did I make this decision? Why do I feel that way? Why am I so hard on myself? The answers are not as important as the questions to me, I need to keep asking, keep thinking. Keem Moving forward.