at home in the dark

As I sit here in the dark listening to some music on the ipod... So much happened today, it hard to think about it all. All the emotions, from utter sadness and depression, to excitement, and everything in between. looking in from the outside, one could say that I am bi-polar... For those that have known me for a while can see another reason.

Never have I worked somewhere that there was such wonderful things and people that you can't interact with without smiling just because. At the same time there is also such a darkness and people whom are not supportive of a functional work place (I think that is PC enough). A perfect example... Chris the person who stepped up and took the lead position of this team... truly a good person, someone who will accel at anything he puts his mind to. He has taken on a position that by definition is impossible. a position that is set up in such a way that the person will fail no matter what they do (dam I wish that was an exaggeration), that is even assuming that there is a fixed end goal. It makes me so angry to see good people put into a position that has no outcome other than to beat them into utter submission. (like I can even talk about anyone else without looking at my every day activities... just the way I am I guess)

by the end of today I decided that there is nothing more I can do to effect change in a positive way with the position that I currently hold. It has been made clear to me, that I am there to do what I am told... Now that I think about it, this reminds me of when I was at intel as a contractor, and was actually told... "we don't pay you to think." WOW... what a paralell to draw.. a intel contracting job where I was a monkey, to here. A place that when I started, I actually said and I quote "I think I have found a home here"... Its sad that I can now look at that statement and laugh...

I woke up today... with a positive attitude, and I was going to make today a really good day... this is how it ended up... sitting in the dark rocking, trying not to totally loose it. trying to concentrate on the things in my life that are positive I just find that to be really messed up.

I am thinking about taking tomarrow as a mental health day.. the only reason it is not a Duh thing is because I know that I need to go back to work on Thursday. I also know that work will just pile up another day, and I will have that much more to do when I get back..

All this, and I have not even gotten into any of the reasons that today wend to bad. and thinking about it now, I am not sure that it matters. a few notes for when I come back to read this....
my talk with chatwik
Eric S leaving the company
BL lunch on Friday
RC making life hell for someone other than me.

I think thats it for me tonight.. its time to get some rest so that I can get up early and put myself back together...