The Day after....

so its the day after the memorial services and all the family came over. we trimmed the bushes, sifted the gravel,put down more platic in the front and put the gravel back on the top to keep the weeds from growing... was a good time, almost all the imideate family was here. we all shared grandpa storys, shared those little things that we didn't know. working all together like that was really nice.

we stopped for lunch and had sanwitches that were left over from the services yesterday. talked some more, I shared my part story. everyone laughed.

after most of the work was done, the sons and daughters started going through the stuff in the garage claiming what they wanted/needed. unlike most familys noone argued and most were hesitant to take anything. I think we all felt that there was still a little part of grandpa in each of the tools and knick knacks that were left in the garage, and by taking them it meant that we accepted that he was truly not coming back... Grandpa was like the home depot of the block, he had a little of everything and his garage was very functional... the neibors said that they will miss him sitting out there smoking..

I chose not to participate in the deviding of grandpa's stuff. for me everything that I charish and is special to me are things that he gave me. I am really glad that i came up for easter this year and got to see him before he really started to go down hill. this was when he gave me alot of his stoff that he thought I could use, these things, I will charish and remember him by.

my uncle Glen, who is one of the most kind hearted people that I know, also has a deep connection with people, and has had a gift of being visited by spirits after they pass, this has been happening to him for several years now, and before grandpa passed he asked that he come visit him after, just to let him know he was ok.. grandpa agreed and glen wanted us to know that he did indeed come o visit about 2 weeks after his passing to let us all know he was ok... that there was no more pain... that he was hapier than anyone could understand... I personally believe that he is visited, and even if someone doesn't believe they would have to admit that it is a nice centimate none the less.

Now its time to start thinking about gettig ready to get back on a plane and head home.. I will get in at midnight, and think it would be best to just go straight to work. this next week is going to be a long one, with my vendor coming in to install all the new hardware.

I think thats it for now..

The Day OF

Well, not even sure where to start today... I might have to write this in two parts... woke up today at 6 and took a shower, and got ready... I drove mom, dad, sarah, grandma and myself to the boat on peir 39. Glen, Donna and their kids met us here at grandma's house. we drove down to SF with little, issue, dropped off the family parked the truck, and met the family where there were a couple members of the honnor garud... This is where I started to breakdown, this was not gonna be good... the boat was really nice, and all the immidate family showed up, it was good to see everyone.

the boat headed out, it was cool, flat calm, the alkatraz swim was going on and the jaramia johnson (a WW2 ship) was making its anual trip up the bay, yes thats right it only goes places once a year.... and the alkatraz swim is only once a year. we made it out to the golden gat bridge, where the ashes were going to be spread. Dad said he had never seen weather so calm. the honnor gaurd played taps, unfolded and folded the flag, presented it to grandma. The neptune socity guide said a small prayer, we all joined hands while Russ lead us in a prayer, each of the kids scattered some of the ashes. we thrwed a carnation overboard, I took lots and lots of pictures. Like I said it was cold, but the weather was perfectly calm. as we headed back to the dock the captain said he only makes it out to the golden gate about 20% of the time, and cannot remember when it was that calm under the golden gate bridge....

But wait theres more... we all came home, after finding our way out of the city. we all had a little lunch, and got changed for the memorial service...

once at the memorial service is where It really started to get hard. The service was heald at the the chruches with the 3 huge crosses, its call neibors. once I got into the meeting place there was a DVD playing that had a picture of grandpa driving his boat in Canada, which I know was one of his happy places... I ended up having to go back out to the truck and happened to also have ears in my eyes. it was so hard.

i didn't truly loose it till chuck was up in front everyone, and lost it looked up and said Give me just a minute dad... at that moment the wind blew in through the only open window, and resteled the blinds which made a bunch of noise... it made me feel like he was there with us, took a LONG time after that for me to regain my composure.

all the people that talked had many nice things to say about grandpa, the san Leandro fire department was there, so far out of their area, just to pay their respects.

it was unbelievable... I will have to write more later in this post.

From Phx to SF via LAS

So... that a trip, flying from Phoenix, to vegas, being late, then the ride out to grandma's on bart... what a day.. but let me start at the beggning of this little adventure.

I decided to leave work and head for the airport at like 1ish, I think... I don't even remember now... I stopped by my friends coffee shopp for a little while sampled some of his new galato ice cream that they have started selling. once on my way I thought I would cruise on down to the airport, and park the car, and then check in and relax. I had already planned to check my one bag so that I didn't have to deal with airport security in this hightened level of security. once at the airport, there was no line to check in (after the horrific day I had up to this point, it was very happy to see this) then when I checked in it asked, if I wanted to upgrade to first class for 50$... this was a no brainer for me... I was like "um duh... ya..." I then checked my bag and headed up to the security checkpoint. This is where I thought life was gonna suck.. I then realized.. HEY I have first class tickets.. that means I can take the special line.. which didn't seem to matter since there was no line anyway. I went right through security without even a second thought and boom I was in the airport 2 hours early.... guess I need to kill some time now..

I wandered around the airport and ended up having a long talk with my friend deviln. we just talked about life and how people are crazy. eventually it was time for my flight. I boarded and didn't even look at the time. as it turns out the flight was 40 minutes late, since I had an hour layover in LAS this was NOT good. I then looked at my phone and it sayd 6:15 (while we were still in the air) since my flight left at 6:20 I started to get scared. as it turns out my phone was set to the wrong time zone and it was only 5:15, we touched down, and deplaned at about 5:50. so It was still close on the second flight...

this flight was fairly un eventfull, I had a couple coctails, since I was gonna take bart to grandma's house.. the touch down was REALLY rough, but once on the ground other than waiting an hour for my baggage, it was fairly un eventfull.

I got on bart and traveled to my transfer point, waited for the next train, called wilma got on the train and sat down. at this point there were two girls next to me talking in a version of slang I have not ever heard before, (and I thought I lived in a big city) well at one of the point one of the girls says.. "girl your sounden all white now...." she then looked at me, and said... No offence.. laughed for like 5 minutes. I later told my family that I was thinking of saying somthign snid, and following up with "no offence" just to be funny, but I thought better of it.

after that I made it to grandma's and then wilma's and went to sleep.. tomarrow is the big day, the boar then the memorial service.

*deep clensing breaths...* tomarrow will be tough..

couple of LONG days

SO the last couple of days I have been here (wor) from about 6am till well, 8:00pm - 8:30PM just been alot of stuff to do seemslike. and each evening I have been going home and going to sleep, not really sleeping. Getting up the next day and starting all over again..

You might be thinking, "hey, maybe you should take a break" Aperenely that is not my way because... Tonight is fat tuesdays with krissa her brother-in-law her sister, me and hopefully loren.. did I mention I am on call too? Tomarrow I leave here at like 2 to get on a plane to go to SF for grandpa's mermorial service. I come home sunday, get in 12:01 monday morning, (figure I might as well just come straight to work) I have a vendor in ALLL next week, then I leave again the following monday for cabo san lucas for a week, come homE that following monday night, pack up my stuff, and go to san jose for a week for work. Then we I get back the vendor comes back for another week effecivly destroying a month of time... YEAH!!!! I am SOOO gonna need a drink in October.

perhaps more later.

sitting at work watching the storm role in

as I sit here looking out the window watching the storm role in, I think about today, and all the... Stuff I guess is the best word, that has happened today. It seems like there is not a "normal" day here ar work, or that normal has become that haphazzardness (if that is even a word) that I call work. there is no structure, prioritied change on a moment by moment basis.

Yet I am still here, I have explained it by saying that I am a glutton for punishment, or that I just can't be bothered to go and fine another job. that it is to much work, but on at least some level I think that it is maybe I like the turmoile, the "excitement" never knowing what f-ed up thing will happen next here...

I spet part of the day going back and updating my journal.. I realized that I had not updated it in almost exactly a year...a year that just slipped by and I didn't even notice.

I am trying to prepare for my trip to San Fransisco this weekend for my granfathers funeral services... I have cried ad I read the e-mail remember the conversation I had with my dad. He has always been a Rock, seeming to be able to go through anything, hardened by seeing death and tragity every day as a fireman/parametic. It is times like this that I realize the things that are really important to him. how strong he was until he heard me break down. That was to much. we both got off the phone at that point.

I realize how lucky I am to have the family that I do. The love that I experienced both growing up and now, it hard to explain to people now, so used to having mother and father devorced or at very least separated. it sad, then I think about my life, the fact that I have no chance of having what anyone would call a "normal" life... I love Loren very much, but I still wonder if life would have been any eaiser with a girlfriend/wife, kids... I know that is what my dad would have prefered.. Is it a choice? is it a genetic thing? I personally believe that it is a genetic thing.

here I am at 6:45 and still at work... what is wrong with me?? since I am just rembeling. I think that I will end this entrie and do some more back entries..

updating the past

I have not updated this journal in almost a year... so today I decided to go back and take all my notes and put them into my journal. I now have most of them in there. there are of course other things that I woud like to add. but I think I have expended as much energy as I can right now doing that.

for now I have to say that the last couple of months have been an adventure and the next couple look to be more of the same maybe even more so. the Trip to SF this weekend, I hope to se your while I am up there. Cabo coming up, I would like to get back up to portland. so much to do, and seems like not enough hours in the day to get it all done. again I will try to keep this more up todate, but no promisses.

Finding motivation.

This is part 2 of my post.

I talked to my friend Yuri in SF for the first time in several weeks today. we started talking about fitness and I mentioned how I would like to drop some weight. Since he is well on his weight already loosing 100 lbs (Right on, Keep it um man that is SOOO awsome!!!!) he seemed to get very excited about this and we talked for hours about it, and I think what I am gonna do is get the same data monitoring system he is using for his trainging and we are gonna try being virtual work out buddies.. I think that this is the motivation that I need, being a geek at heart anyway, I love the little gizmos.

will definatly have to see how that goes.

Why must men be so.....

this is part one of a 2 part post this is not the most positive post so I wanted it to be separate.

I talked to my friend Tim from portaland for a long time tonight, and it struck me that it is so easy for things to be taken out of context here on the internet, via e-mail or IM or whatever. its great that we can communicate so quickly and efficently.. but withough the inflection of voice and body language it can be much harder to read someone.

It also occured to me that as much as you might want so shake someone, yell at them, snakc them, SOMTHING to get them to see how wonderful of a person they really are, none of that matters. until that person can look in the missor and say... so quote stewerr smally "I am good enough and smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me" that no ammount of convencing will MAKE them see that, all you can to is be there and reassure them until hopefully they see it...

If you read this Timmy.. Know I am always here for you...

once again its been a while

ok so its been a while since I have written on here and I am going to have to go back and post some stuff, but this will be the ancor post. when I started trying to keep this up again....

Quiet the evening.

Today, was long... hung out with erich, ended up working on his wagon, changed the fluid in the rear end, changed the serpintine belt, little suff that made a HUGE difference in how it drove. Ended up downtown in a monsoon like I have not seen in a long time, everything flooded was pretty cool, but the heart of this post is because I also got to hang out with some friends I have not seen in a while..

I ended up meeting Matt, Tacolma brian, his neibors, Brian GN, and his friend jarrod. was a good time, but about 11 or so i got a call from Josh (24/7) I had seen him earlier at the bunkhouse, guess he is a barback there now.

once I got back to the bunk house Josh and I sat and talked for a couple hours mostly about what been going on in his life, I guess that he is back with billy again.. he still seems to get into trouble, but it sure seems like he is tryin hard not to.

Thought I would put this down in writing so I can come back and look at it later, give me a record of what was going on at this point.