Cancer.... it has no prejudice...
Cancer.... it has no prejudice...
Got an e-mail from mom today…. “We just found out yesterday that my dad has advanced cancer... “That pretty much says it all. My mom forwarded a letter that my uncle glen wrote, I would like to include parts of it here in my post, because I can’t really type to much today, and I have take the rest of the day off work…
Hi Everyone,
Need to provide an update on Dad.
As everyone knows, The CT Scan test results for Dad yesterday were bad. First I want to thank Wilma for telling us everything she learned. As you may know, Donna is staying with Mom and Dad until Friday with the idea of helping Mom until Hospice could be arranged. I visited Donna MOnday night with the idea of helping if Mom needed help telling Dad. She decided she needed to do it herself, then asked me to sit in. About 9pm she sat in with Dad and told him there were now problems with his liver, and to make it better he needed to get up and walk more often. That was as far as she could get. She was adamant that it would wait, knowing she did not tell him what he needed to know. I had offered several times to explain it to him if she needed. personnally, i cannot imagine telling your spouse of 60 years that they are going to die. She said she could not use the "C" word, because once she did, it was all so final.
After discussions with Donna Tuesday morning, she stated that Dad had to be told, but she could not do it, and asked if I would do that. I arrived around 1pm, we all had lunch, Michael came by for lunch. Wilma had picked up the written explanation of what the CT scan showed, but only medical personnel could understand most of it. I looked up a lot of the words, and called his doctor to be sure I interpreted it right. luckily he called back quickly, and he confirmed all that Wilma had said, plus a couple other thoughts. ITs not that i didnt believe Wilma, just that i needed to be able to answer questions if Dad Asked.
BAsically, the paper said there was a CT scan right after his surgery in September 2004, and it showed one cancerous lymph node. I dont EVER remember being told this, only that they took out the lymph nodes around the surgery area and only one had evidence of cancer. Anyway, the cancer has spread to his liver, where there is a 9 cm cancerous lesion (mass of cells,almost 4 inches wide) on his liver. It has also spread to his lymph system, and they believe into the bones in his pelvis. Dr. Rosenblum confirmed there is nothing to be done, that radiation would end Dad more quickly, and it could not stop how far the cancer has spread. He gave no definitive estimate of time left, but when pressed said it could be a week, could be as long as a month, depending on how active Dad is. When pressed on what to expect, he said it was a case of "dwindling", that appetite would quickly fade, and Dad would eat less and less, and this would result in less and less energy and mobility. THis was natures way of his letting go, he said. It should result with Dad going to sleep and not waking up one night. Some patients have pain, some very little, it all depends, but the pain can be managed by hospice.
I first explained to Mom all the doctor had said. She had been told everything by Wilma, just had not accepted it, and it took a couple explanations for it to sink in. She was holding out hope that he would just be ok. She still could not face telling Dad.
I sat with DAd and told him the report had arrived. I said it explained why he was losing his appetite. I explained everything it said, starting with the cancerous lymph node in 2004, and the fact that the surgeon had not gotten all of it, as we had all thought. Dad was amazingly matter of fact. Dad's first question was if Mom knew, and i explained that i had just told her all about it. I told him she just could not bear to explain it to him. I thought he might be upset she knew, but instead he was relieved. He said he had known for months that he was dying, he could feel it, but he could not bear to tell Mom, or anyone else to burden them. He was worried to be sure we would take care of Mom, and of course we all will. He worried that Mom was not accepting his fate, and felt she needed to finally accept he was failing and would be gone soon. I told him she now understood, and could probably now talk with him. He questioned if the kids needed to be told, and i told him it would not be fair for anyone not to know, and that it wouldnt change anything, as every one already wanted to help, and they still would. So, its ok that we all know. good start, since we all do! Dad was accepting, and hoped it would not last long, as he could barely stand now and he felt everything slipping away inside. He had been working hard to quit smoking (he said), and said "with this cherry news, I think i'll have a cigarette". I assured him we would all be looking to make him comfortable, what ever that would take.
Mom came in, and she and Dad discussed it and MOm cried for an hour as Donna and I sat in the back yard. Its a start, i guess, at least they both know, and they both know the other knows.
Got an e-mail from mom today…. “We just found out yesterday that my dad has advanced cancer... “That pretty much says it all. My mom forwarded a letter that my uncle glen wrote, I would like to include parts of it here in my post, because I can’t really type to much today, and I have take the rest of the day off work…
Hi Everyone,
Need to provide an update on Dad.
As everyone knows, The CT Scan test results for Dad yesterday were bad. First I want to thank Wilma for telling us everything she learned. As you may know, Donna is staying with Mom and Dad until Friday with the idea of helping Mom until Hospice could be arranged. I visited Donna MOnday night with the idea of helping if Mom needed help telling Dad. She decided she needed to do it herself, then asked me to sit in. About 9pm she sat in with Dad and told him there were now problems with his liver, and to make it better he needed to get up and walk more often. That was as far as she could get. She was adamant that it would wait, knowing she did not tell him what he needed to know. I had offered several times to explain it to him if she needed. personnally, i cannot imagine telling your spouse of 60 years that they are going to die. She said she could not use the "C" word, because once she did, it was all so final.
After discussions with Donna Tuesday morning, she stated that Dad had to be told, but she could not do it, and asked if I would do that. I arrived around 1pm, we all had lunch, Michael came by for lunch. Wilma had picked up the written explanation of what the CT scan showed, but only medical personnel could understand most of it. I looked up a lot of the words, and called his doctor to be sure I interpreted it right. luckily he called back quickly, and he confirmed all that Wilma had said, plus a couple other thoughts. ITs not that i didnt believe Wilma, just that i needed to be able to answer questions if Dad Asked.
BAsically, the paper said there was a CT scan right after his surgery in September 2004, and it showed one cancerous lymph node. I dont EVER remember being told this, only that they took out the lymph nodes around the surgery area and only one had evidence of cancer. Anyway, the cancer has spread to his liver, where there is a 9 cm cancerous lesion (mass of cells,almost 4 inches wide) on his liver. It has also spread to his lymph system, and they believe into the bones in his pelvis. Dr. Rosenblum confirmed there is nothing to be done, that radiation would end Dad more quickly, and it could not stop how far the cancer has spread. He gave no definitive estimate of time left, but when pressed said it could be a week, could be as long as a month, depending on how active Dad is. When pressed on what to expect, he said it was a case of "dwindling", that appetite would quickly fade, and Dad would eat less and less, and this would result in less and less energy and mobility. THis was natures way of his letting go, he said. It should result with Dad going to sleep and not waking up one night. Some patients have pain, some very little, it all depends, but the pain can be managed by hospice.
I first explained to Mom all the doctor had said. She had been told everything by Wilma, just had not accepted it, and it took a couple explanations for it to sink in. She was holding out hope that he would just be ok. She still could not face telling Dad.
I sat with DAd and told him the report had arrived. I said it explained why he was losing his appetite. I explained everything it said, starting with the cancerous lymph node in 2004, and the fact that the surgeon had not gotten all of it, as we had all thought. Dad was amazingly matter of fact. Dad's first question was if Mom knew, and i explained that i had just told her all about it. I told him she just could not bear to explain it to him. I thought he might be upset she knew, but instead he was relieved. He said he had known for months that he was dying, he could feel it, but he could not bear to tell Mom, or anyone else to burden them. He was worried to be sure we would take care of Mom, and of course we all will. He worried that Mom was not accepting his fate, and felt she needed to finally accept he was failing and would be gone soon. I told him she now understood, and could probably now talk with him. He questioned if the kids needed to be told, and i told him it would not be fair for anyone not to know, and that it wouldnt change anything, as every one already wanted to help, and they still would. So, its ok that we all know. good start, since we all do! Dad was accepting, and hoped it would not last long, as he could barely stand now and he felt everything slipping away inside. He had been working hard to quit smoking (he said), and said "with this cherry news, I think i'll have a cigarette". I assured him we would all be looking to make him comfortable, what ever that would take.
Mom came in, and she and Dad discussed it and MOm cried for an hour as Donna and I sat in the back yard. Its a start, i guess, at least they both know, and they both know the other knows.
posted by Dave at
9:00 AM
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