rought night

Last night was tough… I was in a pretty good mood all day… when I got home I went and bought a digital camcorder for Saturdays event, we will see how that goes... in the evening something happened that kinda reminded me how I still have several places in my life that are very fragile. After this happened I went to bed, (8pm) and slept till my alarm went off at 6am, fully clothed. Wanting more than anything to just hide from the world till I felt better. I had some messed up dreams which is not to surprising. Dreams about other parts of my life that are also very fragile, I woke up to my alarm all of them fresh in my mind. I think that we need to remember the parts of our lives that are easily damaged. And know that when they do get hurt; which they will; that it is part of the growing process, and something that needs to happen, this doesn’t make it any easier when it does happen, but it is something that I just try to remember when I get hurt, mostly for perspective and to help keep me from becoming jaded.

I woke up this morning and took a long hot shower, walked outside and all the cars were covered with dew (something that is REALLY RARE in PHX) and I thought... you know... I have the cam that takes digital video I should start the car and let it steam and take video of that (I know I am weird but it makes me happy) so I started the car and went in got the cam and took some video. It actually turned out pretty good. I have to remember to tell Joe that I took video and ask if he can pull it off for me... So after that I got in my car, turned the heat way up and drove to work listening to some music. I can say that I am happy now, and that I really enjoyed the drive to work, it was very relaxing. I think that when I do finally get my own place I will look in central PHX for a older home because I really enjoy that drive... and the central area is so easy to get around in. so that’s all I wanted to write in here, and the reason I wrote it is because this is not something I can talk to anyone about because it involves the people closeted to me right now who I would normally talk to. I think that I just need to be scarce this weekend (other than the party of course) and just let things go a little... guess I will see how I feel...

Today is employee application day, so they are setting up the parking lot for food and what not... should be fun... I think I am going to leave my phone off for the day and just try to concentrate on work from here on. I think that might help me a lot today...

We Will See

a sign to come back to my journal....

Ok so I have not writen in my journal for a while.. and tonight, somthing happened to me that kinda broke me out of the glazed eye view that I have had recently......

Loren and I were at boarders tonight and as we were leaving a young man was helping his mom get in the door she had a walker and I would guess that she had MS, and as she got in, her walker got cought on the carpet and she fell. and could not get up. I was totally horrified, and switched into automatic mode, I asked how I could help and her son said to help her to her knees cause it would be eiser that way. All she could say, is "I am so sorry" I heard loren say over my shoulder "don't worry about it we all fall." and I repeaded his comment. that was the point where I almost broke down crying. I helped her get to her knees and asked if she was ready to stand up. she said to go on the count of three. and on three I lifted and just could not make it all the way to a standing position, I had to get my arms further under her to get her all the way up, again she said "I am sorry" I had to fight back the tears and say no its really ok. after that she seemed to be able to get going again.

As the night went on I started to think about this more and more. I just could not get this image out of my head. as we were walking away, loren said somthing that I think about all the time. when you experence somthing like that it kinda makes your pidly problemes seem so much less important. the more I think about it the more I think how little it would take to be in that persons shoes. to be almost a invilid, and need people th help me do everything.

I believe you have to take time every day to see what you have and be thankfull for every moment because you never know when it will all be over. One small event could change your life forever.......

-T