more emotion

I have written little tid bits in my journal the last couple of days but never published them, and now I have lost them. Today, right now I am at work in Scottsdale office... and I am really emotional all of a sudden. The song 8th world wonder came on by Kimberly lock came on. I thought I was going to cry... luckly now as I type this, the next song that came on was don’t look back by Thalia. I am glad that it did not sure that I could have handled it if it didn’t. Talking to my friend Ben on-line the one I have been talking to a couple weeks now... seems like a really good kid. I always enjoy our talks, and I smile when he messages me.

Sitting here listening to the titanic sound track, fighting back the tears. Mostly thinking that the things that I have loved most in my life are slowly slipping away. Waves of what I can only describe as depression... not really something normal for me. I feel like I want to just go home and sleep.

Parking and hiking… maybe I am just dumb.

Ok so the last couple of days I have noticed this odd thing that happens. The parking lot for Camelback Mountain is really small but there is parking all the way down the hill to the street which is where I normally park. So I have noticed that when people get to the parking lot and it is full, instead of coming back down the mountain to park where I normally do and walk up to the parking lot (I mean you are there to hike anyway) it really doesn't make any logical if you think about it… I have just chalked it up to “one of the funny things people do.

Half way up the hill I looked up and noticed something shiny in the sky it looked kinda like an eclipse or something reflecting in the sky I watched it for a few minutes and couldn’t quite figure out what it might be… I continued up the mountain and when I ran into the guys that I have been pacing myself by (an additional ¼ mile up the mountain I might add) one of them said “did ya see the space ship?” I thought he meant like the shuttle. I said sound really dumb. “Is that what it is?” everyone around us laughed… oh well so I felt dumb at least I got a laugh.

I hit the ¾ mile mark after that and decided I was going all the way... I saw a guy coming down with a camera and a tri-pod I figured that he was taking pictures of whatever that thing was. A lot of people passed me on my way up, but I still shaved 20 minutes of the total time which I think is really good for me and only doing this a week.

Lets see what else... got gas on my way to work and got stiffed a quarter… lost a customer over a friggen quarter... oh well…

Um... there is more but my brain is not working today...

Light day so far

decided to make it a light day after yesterday and I woke up feeling really tired.. I only went to the 3/4 mark on the mountain today.. I am catching people though.. further and further up the mountin.. the two cute boys that I have seen every morning now, I cought at the 1/2 way point coming down the mountin.. and when I started last week they were at the bottom already.. I think about alow when I am on that hike... I think I want to put it all here but I need to shower first..

I have been to the top of the mountain.... and it is good

What a friggen day so far... I really wanted to write here this morning when things were fresh in my mind... as you can see that didn’t happen… well I got up this morning, and I went on my hike determined to make it further than I had in the past couple days. Its amazing to me how just doing this little routine the last couple of days has already made me start feeling better.. Well as I said I started my hike with this determination that I was gonna do better than before. So far I had been pushing a little better each day... well yesterday I made it ¾ of the way. And today when I got to the 5/8 marker I just wanted to keep going I needed the accomplishment. Looking back on the day it really makes me wonder if I just know when a day is gonna go bad… anyway.. As I got closer and closer to the top of the mountain my resolve to make it got stronger, I took a wrong turn near the top and had to double back but eventually I made it... and all I could think was…. “I have been to the top of the mountain and I can tell you that it is good… What a feeling… looking down on everything feeling as free as a bird without even leaving the ground. It was truly amazing. I sat there thinking about things, life, me, my friends… just everything, and how it is so easy to get wrapped up in the things in life… we as individuals are such a small of the entire world, and sometimes we actually tell ourselves things like “if I don’t finish…. *insert something here* then the world as I know it will come to an end. The truth is... it won’t you will still be here if you don’t get something done. I have started to develop the attitude that, I need to slow down... relax, enjoy the time that I have here. Take care of me first… and here I sit... still at work... working well after I should be home... what else is new thought right?

Well I think I need to head home I will prolly write more from there though... talking to a very interesting guy about sex at the moment... LOL

morning ritual?

so I had to write in here before I headed off to work... I got up and went on my hike this morning, and first of all same those same two georgous guys at the bottom of the hill. I also saw a really cute boy that I had seen at varios points on the mountin before, this time I was following him up the hill maybe tomarrow I will try and time it so I can see him again. ANYWAY... the reason I am writeing is I saw a girl on the way up that could have been ginger (my mom's best friend who past about 3 years ago from her third round of cancer.) or at very least her daughter. I ended up taking to her on the way up the mountin and she seems really sweet. reminded me alot of renne and her mom... maybe I will see here again during my future clims of the mountin.

I am off to work for ADS training and I really excited. I also have some other ideas for helping me stay motivated on this hiking thing. so far I don't see it as a problem.

well more later I am sure..

9am, and already I have got stuff done....

9am and I already have so much to write here. Where to start... didn't get out of here till almost 10PM last night and I was determined to still get up and hike Camelback Mountain. Last night I got called every 2 hours for alerts on the new SQL boxes that we built, so I didn't get much sleep, I got up later than I wanted to but still got up and got in the shower. I got to the mountain by about 7:30, I had forgotten the other very cool thing about hiking in the morning, the scenery was AMAZING. With the way the light hit everything. and they guys OMG, seriously hot guys I think that this may be my motivation to keep going, both looking at them and to start becoming more like them at least the in-shape part. Hiking I quickly realized how out of shape I really am. I took my camel pack water bag with me and I am glad I did. I made it the first 1/2 mile and was shaking so I thought I better come back down and try again tomorrow. I will make it to the top by the end of next week.

That brings me to being at work now I am here awake, and alert, and feeling good I can't wait to go again tomorrow. I also got to work and fixed the issues that were happening last night, and now I think I am caught up... maybe I will get to leave early. One can dream anyway.

one other little notable thing. when I came into the office I had forgotten to lock my phone, and when I looked at it is said... 666666666666666666666666 thought that was odd, pressed end and put it away...


I am sure I will have more later.

talking to sean

Talking to Sean kinda randomly about life and goals, and I told him that yesterday I made the decision that I was going to change some pretty major things in my life, and get back to 10% Body Fat. I sent Sean a picture of me from LA, and he asked when it was taken... I looked at the timestamp on the file 9/8/99 that officially freaked me out. Since the date yesterday when I made this decision was 9/8/04. This is just one more of those signs that I keep getting... one of those sign that is to big to just dismiss, the ones that are telling me that I am headed for something. I have a better Idea where now. I mean over the past couple weeks I have met and talked to people who have changed their life dramatically from where it was to where it is now. And until now I didn't tie it all together. I think that I am headed for a really good happy place, I just think that it is going to take me some time to get there, and it might require more "alone" time. I think that I am even starting to see the direction I need to go to get to where I want to be.

I can see myself making changes and going back for Christmas to visit my family and having them say, WOW you look really good, and being able to feel like I have a new direction and focus in life. The pieces are starting to line up. I have a job that I enjoy very much that I can see myself having and growing in for some time to come. I have the plans in place for a house of my own, I have removed the Sentra from the picture temporarily to let me see that I probably don't need it and should get rid of it. Bite the bullet, save some money pay it down and just sell it out-right.

Most of all my independence is constantly growing, I feel much less dependant on anyone today then I think I ever have. I feel that I have started my own direction in life and I see very positive things coming from that. I have a really up-beat and positive on most things in my life, and I feel that my ability to share the positive attitude with other people makes me happy.

random morning thoughts

Laying here in bed waiting for a server to reboot and listening to amber anyway. Just thinking about life, love, and whatever comes to my mind. I still feel like I am headed towards something, and I don’t know what that might be. I feel like I am so far from where I was this time last year. I am actually starting to feel like a grown up, and that scares me. The things that come out of my mouth actually sound like there is some thought and experience behind them. That too scares me. Like most gay men I don’t think I want to grow up. I want to be young forever. And it’s just not going to happen. Recently more than anything… I know what I want, who I want by my side, and I can’t, instead I have to hold on, by myself. I can’t let myself slip back into a rut that I have worked so hard to get out of. The frustrating part is now I know what I want and it points in one direction. I know that I have tunnel vision right now, but I can’t help it. I try so hard to just go with the flow, to put myself out there, to meet new people, to basically keep my mind busy so that I will not think about it. Lord knows I think about it enough already.

I wish that I was shallow enough to do some of the other things that guys my age do. Just to get out and get the experience. Maybe meet someone nice. I just don’t know anymore. Seems like the more I feel like I have my stuff together the more I feel like I am headed the right direction. The more distant people become, and the harder it is to meet people. I think hanging out with Brian makes it even more difficult, he makes this meeting people thing seem so easy. Maybe I am a jealous of that.

I was listening to old v-mail’s today and I came across one from Mitch… he is another one that I miss a lot. And I beat myself up to much for that one too. Timing is everything. To meet him at this point in my life everything would have been different. What was I thinking?

I am glad that I still have music to listen to. It helps me so much, from just a good beet to words that seem to know exactly how I am feeling about thing, and how I want to feel. It’s almost like having someone to talk to that knows what I am thinking.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, wanting nothing more than for someone to be there and tell me that it will be ok. Even if it may not be ok, just to have someone tell me that it is. I think it might be time to go away for a while again, get some perspective. I would really like to climb Camelback Mountain and sit at the top and see the world from there. I would like to have my own place, I am thinking that if I cannot buy a place that I should rent for another year just to get out on my own again. Like I said in the beginning, a lot of random thoughts this morning.

I wonder why I like this song by brad paisley so much (whiskey lullaby) I wonder if it is because this is how I have felt from time to time. Like I couldn’t go on without him, that it would be easier to not go on, would he even notice? I think that I can relate to this song, that I want to feel like this, but I know that I can’t I made a promise all those years ago and I plan to stick by it. A promise to never let myself get to that level again, to that dark place that I let myself get to so many years ago now. Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to give up, I mean who would miss me if I were gone? What am I fighting for? So much stress, so much pain, so much worry. I have to ask for what? What am I fighting for? Kinda brings me back to this feeling that there is something bigger that I am headed for. I just wish I had a better feeling of what it was.


To my monsta: You are in my thoughts every day, I think about you when I see a new car that I want to talk to you about, I think of you when I do something…. Tazzy…. I think of you when I want to just do something random. I think of you when I close my eyes, I think off you and I smile, just hoping that you are happy above everything else that is all I have ever wanted for you. I sure miss you buddy.

-Da TAZ

I thought I was ready for anything......

So before tonight, I would have said that I thought I was ready for anything that the gay world that I have become so accustomed to living could throw at me. But tonight I was thrown for a loop. I mean I knew that stuff like this existed, but I had never truly experienced it for my self. Last night I wanted to go out, my friend Brian said that he was gonna stay in for the evening. Since he has just recently met someone that seems to be really sweet, I can totally understand that. The whole “going out thing” especially since we had both gone out several times this week might loose come of its appeal and a quiet night home might be really nice. So anyway, I had been talking to another friend of mine for the purpose of this journal entire I will call hum J cause that’s just easier for me to deal with at the moment. I have been talking to J and he said that him and his sister and a bunch of their friends were going to a straight bar and then to Charlie’s. To be totally honest it had been a really long time since I had been to a straight bar so it sounded different and fun. I went over to his house and we waited for is sister and the rest of the girls to get there. I had for some reason dressed really straight, which was commented on several times along with “OMG YOUR TALL.” Since they all met me while I was sitting on the couch. The girl was supposed to stay sober to drive had about 10 Jell-O shots so at that point I decided that I would drive myself, in the end I am very glad that I decided to do that.

The Straight Club,

As it has been in the past this was a very interesting experience. The music sucked, the bad people were totally different than I am used to not personable at all almost rude, and I am not sure they know what to do with a tip which I also thought was odd… I got a lot of attention from women there, which I though was both odd and kinda cool at the same time. We stayed there for an hour or so I suppose, enough time for me to have 2 red bulls and get all hyper. When we left the bad one of J’s friends, had already had too much to drink to drive, so he was gonna ride with me………… I was driving the Chia with 3 people in it already… ha saw my car and said “NO NO WAY!!! I am not gonna ride n that.” We al said well this is what we are riding in just get it... I cut myself cleaning out the back seat, but I got the seat moved forward, and we all got in. when I started the car, the straight boy who I thinks names was Craig said “woah have you done something to this thing? I told him it had a 300zx v-6 in it and that I did it all my self, after we started going he told me that he has the cold air intake and exhaust, and fuel rail on his Honda and it had 219 HP I said “cool” and let it go. As we got down the road and I told him about other things that I have done, he said… “You know who he would be perfect with.” And proceeded to tell me about this friend of his. I thought that it would be cool to meet another gay guy that liked to work on their own cars n stuff so maybe that might happen in the future…

This is where things get interesting.

We got to Charlie’s, and it was pretty packed. Craig and I played a couple games of pool. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, and J started his drinking binge as I have seen him do several times before. Several little drama moments through the night, but about 2am he was holding on to me to keep from falling down. One of his girl friends came and said, “Let’s go dance, and grabbed him by the hand and drug him away. Well they made it almost all the way to the dance floor before he fell down, security swooped in, and I stopped them and said that I was the driver and I would take him outside, and that we were leaving... once everyone was loaded in the car and we were driving down the road, he kept grabing my hand, and holding onto it and kissing it, which I was pretty sure was gonna happen, since I have seen it happen to him with many other people. We had a conversation earlier that day where I was totally blunt with him and told him that I knew he didn’t know what he wanted from a partner to which he agreed, and I also told him that he would never and could never be happy with someone like me, that I was “too nice” he needed someone that could challenge him on everything, and that was just not me… so I knew that where things were headed could have no good results.

We got back to J’s house and his friend Clia was with us, and I J was lying on the couch, and so I sat next to him. He kept pulling me down and saying “lay with me, I just want to cuddle” I had to say that I didn’t think it was a good Idea that I thought it would lead to other things… his friend said, “wee he does really like tot cuddle.” And I thought, well I guess she is gonna hang out for a while so maybe it will help make him more sleepy and he will pass out. Well as soon as I layed down she left. I was PISSED.... I thought “Oh Great” and sure enough it started… I felt so bad, its not that I didn’t like the attention, and it has been so long… but there is no way I can do something with someone who is totally wasted and I tried to explain that several times… never really made it across I don’t think… after about 45 minutes of avoiding any kind of contact that would lead to something else like kissing or anything like that, he said that he wanted to go to the bed. I agreed, and was able to lay him down and lay behind him and just kinda cuddle till he passed out. I though about just falling asleep myself, I mean it was something that I have SOOOO missed, but the bed was REALLY short that it was very uncomfortable. SO I left, its now 10pm the next day and I am about to go out to my other friend Brian’s house and I have just gotten off the phone with J who claims to not remember any of the night.

When I told him that I didn’t take advantage of him he asked why?

This single thought… this single statement… this single frame of mind is why I wrote this entire message. I could have done anything to him, I could have been anyone. Am I to believe that he is the only person like this in our little society? I don’t think so, I think there are far to may people like this. Is it a self hatered thing? Is it a low self esteem thing? Or is it something more, is this how some people let go, what they have to do to feel like they can let control enough to let someone in, to have a good time? There are so many different possibilities. No matter what the reason this REALLY REALLY disturbed me. Made me realize that I need to think some more about people, and how they think.

Maybe I will write more later.

I don't know what you feel, should I go or stay? I love you anyway

Haven't been able to write here in a while because I have been so busy at work and sleeping when not working. we had like 40 servers come in all at the same time, then of course since we did not have hardware on-time, we had to get 20 of them up and built as soon as possable so I lived here for a couple days.

Went out to Brian's house last night, we BBQ-D and I got a chance to talk to they guy that he met the other night when we were all out. His name is Josh and he seems to be a good guy. Seems to have his head on straight.... or maybe I should say correctly... LOL out of the people that he has dated I really think this is one of his better choices.

I got a chance to go to lunch with Brian today and we talked alto about relationships, and I learned a little more about my history from someone elese's perspective, its usually the same thing said in different ways by different people. The general message is "what were you thinking?" since I get asked that as much as i do, from people who were there as part of my history, who saw it for themselves. I have to go back to what I have always said a couple times now. That is that a relationship is defined by the people that are in it. I may not make the same decisions at this point of my life that I did then, the fact remains that I was a different person then, and the choices I made then were basised on how I felt then and things that I thought would make me happy. The moreal of the story if there is one, is that throgh our life experence we find our own direction in life and you can take advace from other people and other sources, but in the end you have to make your own choices to be your own person.

I realize that I write alot about the the monster in here but I also know that he was everything to me, from my friend, to best friend, to lover, to partner, and back to best friend. I count myself lucky have had him in my life. No matter what people say or what they think, they will never understand what we shared. Noone will ever know what it was like to be us. we were and still tend to be 2 sides of the same soul, so alike and yet so different. I know that things will never again be like they were, and I don't want them to be. that would be a step backwards for everyone involved. But I still think about him and smile when he calls. Through all the pain and the tears, I remember all the good. all the love, all the things that noone else got to see, the things that first made me say "I love you" the things that I can still close my eyes, remember and smile because I was there, to experence those things with him.

I think alot about people and how they think.... I talked to jeremy/jordan today... we had a long talk and I got to a poit where I felt I should be very honest with him. I told him that I would date him, that I thought that he was a really good looking guy, and the I also thought he was very intelegent. but that I thought he really needed to figure out what he wanted, and that spawned a conversation that was one of those, that I will go back and read later. he truly is a very articulate and brite guy. The more I think about this the more it bothers me... I have always thought that if I was more.... um... normal?? thats not the right word I know. but I have always thought if I was more like everyone else phisically that I would have better luck meeting people. I think that truth is the reason I am as nice as I am and I have the view of life that I do is because I have not been in alot of negative situations when it comes to people and relationships, becuse to be brutally honest, other than passing converstaions I have not had alot of luck with gay guys. seems like I have no problem hanging out with straight people, but I really think its because there is not that expacation that there may be somthing more than friendship that could come from interaction. so there is no social garud that they put up like gay guys do.

I hate the feeling that creeps up on me sometimes that makes me truly feel like a freak.. like no matter how hard I try I will never fit in.. more than anything I really just want to have someone in my life to share it with. it doesn't seem like its that big of a deal, other people have it, I even had it for a while. but as fast as it came to be it passed into history. I mean I look back at that time and I can still smile. but now I am 5 years older and I am single again. I am content being single, but I want so much more. I want someone I can hold, I someone I can come home to and just crash on the couch with, in-front of the tv, or go on a trip with.. it doesn't seem like to much to ask. I don't know why people don't take the time to get to know someone. What is is about me that makes me so... I done' even know what...

Everyone is looking for that perfect person instead of looking for that person that compliments them that they can build somthing with. maybe its like my friend rich says. if we were really ment to be monogmous why would so many people have this intence urge to be with different people? is it socicity that ditcates the action or the action that ditactates socicity.. just a few random thoughts as I am getting ready to leave work for the long weekend... maybe somthing cool will happen this weekend..