How far to go?

How far can you go? How much can you try to help someone before you start hurting? This single thought has been running through my head for a long time now. Should I pull away? Should I stay close? Should I back off and let that person reach for the help? Would they reach for help? Or would they turn away? Hurt by someone they care about turning away from them?

I have reached a point where I care too much, I know that now, and it is affecting both of our lives. But what does that mean? I think that I have reached a point where my caring and love has become a sore spot, a reminder... of everything, who I am, who he is, who I was, who he was, where we have been, everything. I used to say: "I was there before you were who you are now, and I am still here."........... I think that this is the problem. There are no defenses against someone that knows you completely, down to how you think and sometimes even what you are thinking. so the natural response is to do what you need to, to feel like you are protected from getting hurt by the one person who knows how to do just that better than anyone else. I personally prefer to think about it in a different way. I choose to think about it like this. Who else to spend all your time with, than someone who knows who you are and what you want? Who could love you more completely then someone who knows all your faults and all your mistakes and who knows your mind better than anyone, and accepts you for who you are.......... there in lies the issue, you can't hide from someone like that, you can't put on a front, you can't be someone your not......... you can't hide the things that you don't like about yourself like you might be able to do with a stranger or someone who does not know you as well, you have a choice how far you let that person in, a luxury you would not have with me. So here I am, standing here, as I always have, arms wide open saying nothing more than you are the person who completes me. You are Oreo to my milk... *smile* I have stood here love unconditional, always willing to love you for you... to be that person who was just always there. Now I think its time to change things, I will still always love you, you will always carry that special place in my heart, but now its time for me to let you go, to let you stop worry about being hurt by me. More than anything I hope you Figure out what you want from life, and you take it. I know that is the only way that it happens; you have to figure out what you want and TAKE IT. I do have to thank you, without you I never would have figured out who I was. I would never have been able to express myself like I can now. Because of YOU and only YOU I am happy being single, and should I meet someone, I think that I will be better prepared for a relationship with that person than I ever have been in my life.

I love you now and for ever buddy, you showed me what it was to love someone unconditionally, no limits, no ifs, no regrets, and no matter what other people though. You showed me what it was to be US..... To be WE...... you shared the happiest and saddest days of my life, for that I thank you, I will never forget the good or the bad times, and smile every time I think about them.

at work on lunch

slept in today... left for work and got to the first stop light, and I smelled gas. I left the stop light and felt the tires spin, looked in the rear view and saw a huge puddle of gas in the road. I pulled into a gas station and noticed that I was leaking gas from under the car and hed left a trail into the gas station. guess that explains how I used so much gas on the way home. So beeing the car geek I am I broke out the screw driver and loosened the clamp moved the hose and re-clamped it and fixed the leak. I will have to go through all the hoses and make sure they are all good. I have been needing to do some maintance so this is as good of a time as any. made it to work with 5 minutes to spare.

Odd dreams

Had some odd dreams last night that I needed to write down. I dreamt that I met up with little Clint (the one that hates me and has never met me) and he didn't really know who I was, and he kinda fell in.... lust I think with me, and still didn't realize who I was. After the first night we slept in the same bed (just sleeping I think we were actually both clothed) we woke up had breakfast, and I told him who I was, he came over to me and started beating on my chest screaming..... and I woke up... odd... but I think it was because I saw Jeremy (throb) last night and he was talking about his ex, Clinton. anyway... that’s it off to work slept in today... hehe

out tonight and testing client

so I went out with brian to see the strippers. and then to charlies..... I am glad that we did. cause I met someone cool.. his name is ramon, and he is really cute and I think might be intrested in me. we will see what hapens.. night for now.

and he swings....

listening to some really powerfull music. feeling that I now need to cry, I have been having some pretty emotional swings. Dennis called me from new york, just to say he had a really good time and to thank me. I miss having him around and he was only here a week. he is good people. Talked to the monsta, and that wiskey lullaby song came on and I started thinking. I can remember feeling like that, I can remember feeling that it wasn't worth going on. so I told him that. his responce was. "how do you feel now?" my responce was "for the most part I am really happy. but there is a part of me that is missing, a piece that will always belong to someone special." and then I cryed. my laptop batttery died and I got bumped off. now I think I need to shower and finish crying.. I feel like I lose control sometimes, forget all the things I have learned even for just a few moments, and life comes crashing in. its hard to stop it once it starts. but it also keeps my ego in check, knowing that I am not perfect, and that I break down and that I am still very capable of hurting.

I am having a very lonely moment, and I hate it.. even thought I know how to make it go away. I don't want to right now. I want to remember this. I want it to stick. to know that this is still somthing very real for me. somthing that can still happen.

Starbucks, music, journal writing.

Lots of random thoughts running around my head today, in a way it’s been a kind a weird day for me. “I had a dream last night, you were there, you held my hand so tight, I thought I’d just die, do you remember? When we used to have so much fun, I used to cry sometimes, those days are gone. Do you remember?

CHILLS
Memories
WOW
Crowbar
Dancing
Smiling
Phil
WOW

It’s amazing how a song can bring back such a rush of memories... LOL… then Loren logs on… what frigging kind of timing is that… I wish I could right down all the coincidence that I have come across in the last couple weeks. They happen so constant now… and it’s almost like they are all linked together… seems like I can’t go a day without odd things happening that all seem to be linked. A for instance, I started having issues with a guy at work, I kinda dealt with it best I could. Then when I talked to my boss about it, he said “that’s ok, they opened up another position and I need you to come back to the Scottsdale office and you should only be there another week or so” stuff like that seems just like a coincidence, but when you combine them all together, it seems like it is so much more than that. Ever since I moved back and started this job.. It’s like I am moving to something bigger.. Mysterious times… yes so many things in life that we don’t understand.. We just speculate as to how things actually work. I think that I am a firm believer that we make our life what it is, and who can tell us weather that is right or wrong?


It’s amazing to me how as we grow up and age we start to look at life differently and how our priorities change. I have been talking to Brian/Jeremy a lot lately, been ganging out with him a lot too. Its how much someone can change and still be the same… mentally he is a totally different person than when I met him.. But physically he has not changed too much. He has been kind and said the same thing about me.. Even thought I know I have put on some weight and that dam missing tooth. Hope, through all the things that happen, I have found that I need to have hope above all else.. That there is someone out there, someone that I will meet someday that I will spend the rest of my life with. But until that happens, I think that I can truly say that I am happy. On my own doing things that make ME happy… I think that I have a lot more to offer someone now, I think I have passed my clingy phase. My eternal thirst to have someone with me all the time.. The funny thing is I have not met anyone that was even slightly interested since I have reached this point in my life. It’s funny the way things work. I have met a bunch of people that I put in the “out of my league” category. I have to wonder if that is just for my protection, to keep from getting the rejection that I have convinced myself is bound to happen.

Why is it that we crave those things that are so bad for us? Then when we get hurt we put up these little walls to protect us, with just little holes that we peer out of to see who it is that is trying to get to us. I have done my share of tearing walls down.. After a while it gets SOOO old.. I tell anyone I am with, I cannot promise you forever. No one can, I could get hit bye a truck tomorrow. I mean the things that “could happen” are endless. And if you spend your time worrying about those, then you will never have time to enjoy life. I think that is why we were put here.. To enjoy everything that life has to offer us. The more time you spend worrying, and building walls the more you miss out on. So you get hurt. It has happened to me.. Hell it has happened to anyone who has dated. And that first cut truly is the deepest. It’s so hard to forget that first time you get hurt by someone. But why not take that as a lesson learned. Something like yes this is something that can happen… but take a step back.. Look at everything else. Look at all the good times, all the times you thought to yourself WOW, this person is amazing. It doesn’t matter what changed to make that fade. It’s true.. What they say, dance like no one is looking love like you have never been hurt. I have to look at my life as a whole.. All the nasty crap that has happened.. The evil things that people have done to me.. And you know what… because of that, I am a stronger person. Because I was hurt, the next time I will not allow someone the pleasure of knowing that hurt me. I have to take every situation like that as, it’s their loss. Yes I will be hurt, and mad and cry.. I have to. I am to emotional not to, but then I will learn from that experience and be better prepared for the next time.

What I want, this has changed so many times. But I think more than anything I can now define this as a best friend that I also live with. Things that this person must have. A sense of humor, someone who can smile, someone who can make me smile. Someone that makes me think. Someone that challenges me and doesn’t let me get away with stuff he knows better about. Someone not afraid of being gay, who at least has SOME idea of things that they want for themselves. Someone who is happy on their own and is not looking for a relationship to fill a void in their life. Things that I would like someone to have: a thirst for knowledge, someone who wants to learn new things. Someone who can take my eccentricities and at least try to understand them before condemning them. Someone who enjoys to touch and to be touched, that believes that a night at home holding each other can be as wonderful as almost anything else they could do. Things that I now offer: a love unconditional, understanding in anything they want to talk about and constructive criticism as long as they are willing to accept it. Conversation on almost any topic and questions when I don’t understand something. Patience, understanding, caring, laughter, physical contact, someone with a firm grasp of what they want and where they are going. As much communication on thought and feelings as someone would like. A warm accepting family that is happy as long as I am happy. I think that I have a lot to offer someone that takes the time to get to know me.

4am, after a night out.. kinda

Not sure what to day here except that I went out tonight, and had a good time spent alot of time with brian. now I am home, and my final thoughts before I go to bed are of da monsta... that page i saw today really got to me.. airforce brandon's page... made me think what it means to be completed by someone.. to have them be your everything... So sleepy, and a little confused.....

chating

Well time to write in my journal again. Seems like it is getting the trendy thing to do. I have been given some pretty sharp signs recently that I need to think about some stuff. It’s been almost a month since I wrote here. And some pretty profound things have happened that I have neglected to putt down into words like I told myself that I would… I started this because I wanted to be able to look back on my life and see what has happened in my own words, and again I have not seemed to be able to keep up with that… My friend Dennis came into to town to visit me. if there was anyone in the world that I think I could at very least know that I could always have a good time around, it would be him… never a bad thing to say, always happy and in a good mood, and its infectious. We had a really good time while he was here, he left today at 1, back to OR I think to pack for NY or some other such wild adventure. I wonder where Dennis is now?

Spent some time chattin on-line today people truly amaze me. they chat with you for a little while and once they see something they don’t like they just disappear. Everyone is so concerned with type and clicking right away, and it seems everyone is looking for a quick screw. Well that’s not me, never really has been. I think about the gay community. And wonder how people get to where they are in their lives. I talked to a friend of mine the other day. Rich, talk about luck. How lucky was I to have him drop into my life, and let me see into the core of the gay community. No lies, no frilly dressing. Just the way it was. I think it let me develop real ideas of how things are and helped me develop the idea of what I wanted. It was a long road for me from there to get to where I am now. But I know I would not have made some of the decisions good or bad without his influence. I count myself lucky to consider him a close friend.

Rich and I also talked about old times, and people we both knew. Whenever this happens to me and I realize how much time has passed. I am always shocked. People I met 5 and 6 years ago. That seems like ages. I still feel like we are all connected, like there is a link that links everyone together.

I think I again made an ass out of my self the other day with the monsta. LOL... he caught me in just the right mood, and asked me what I was thinking… so I just kind blurted out what was on my mind… and again got the standard WOW response… I have learned to appreciate that response instead of despise… I have the power to make him not know how to respond… I think that’s a pretty big thing.

relationships

Sitting at work talking to people, I talked to rich, we seem to have really deep conversations when we really get to talking. We started talking about people prefences and what they liked, this lead to talking about how gay men are pretty easy to lead. If that makes sense how you can chat with someone and the more you talk the more it appears that their opinion and preferences changes. I think it has to do with wanting to be accepted and spending so much time being things that we are not, essentially lying to our selves. It gets to the point where it is second nature and we don’t even realize its happening. We talked about how small of a community it actually was. Especially in PHX. This lead to a point where we talked about relationships and how we try to mold ourselves and our relationships to what our parent’s relationships were. It obviously will never work I mean hello we are gay… we need to form our own opinions and what we want from a relationship. I see my self doing it all the time. Looking for what my parents had. Because that is what I grew up with… what I felt comfortable with. In the end it comes down to relationships are defined by the people that are in them. Anyone who is in a relationship should tell people who choose to judge to piss off. Cause it is none of their business anyway.

I think that this was the ultimate cause my last relationship failing, we both had hang ups. Molding our lives and relationships after our parents. You get to a point where you sub consciously sabotage your relationships because they are not perfect. The truth being that the only perfect relationship is that one where the two people have figure out what they want and need and have found a way to get the most that they can, and be happy. Sounds a little more complicated when I put it that way. I don’t think a relationship has to be hard or something that you have to work out, once you have the communication established. That’s the tough part, getting to that point. I have found the sad thing is, that the communication usually comes after the relationship has dissolved and the people have a chance to talk open and honestly.

A priceless quote from a friend of mine… “The problem is that people learn things at different times” what a perfect way to put it…