and he swings....

listening to some really powerfull music. feeling that I now need to cry, I have been having some pretty emotional swings. Dennis called me from new york, just to say he had a really good time and to thank me. I miss having him around and he was only here a week. he is good people. Talked to the monsta, and that wiskey lullaby song came on and I started thinking. I can remember feeling like that, I can remember feeling that it wasn't worth going on. so I told him that. his responce was. "how do you feel now?" my responce was "for the most part I am really happy. but there is a part of me that is missing, a piece that will always belong to someone special." and then I cryed. my laptop batttery died and I got bumped off. now I think I need to shower and finish crying.. I feel like I lose control sometimes, forget all the things I have learned even for just a few moments, and life comes crashing in. its hard to stop it once it starts. but it also keeps my ego in check, knowing that I am not perfect, and that I break down and that I am still very capable of hurting.

I am having a very lonely moment, and I hate it.. even thought I know how to make it go away. I don't want to right now. I want to remember this. I want it to stick. to know that this is still somthing very real for me. somthing that can still happen.