rest of the day, and thoughts

a song came on as I was laying here that really kicked off this entrie.. its
called everything you want by vertical horizon.. no matter how many times I
hear this song it makes me think..

first monsoon tonight afterwork.... I drove towards Tempe Thought I would
go to mill. of course I thought of the monster, and wondered what he was
doing... we had a pretty good talk today.. he was supposed to pick up
a friends family from the air port cause they missed their flight after
spreading his brothers ashes.. So sad to be taken so young... I have heard
it so many times and it is so true.. cancer has no prejeduice. they were
going to fly back east I think to Iowa and missed there flight, so the
monster volenteered to pick them up cause his friend couldn't couldn't.

anyway, I was driving towards mill, hoping that he might call. I was also
hoping that the monsoon would hit mill while I was there. It had been a long
time since I had walked in the rain.. I stopped on mill and fixed my front
window so that it would roll up. my friend broke it the other
night, (fell off the track), once it was fixed I decided to go and drive
towards the storm and see f I could find some rain.

As I drove south I thought about things, life, where I was, how far I had
come, who I was what I wanted from life. I thought about how much I miss the
monster deep down. All the things I miss sharing with him, I am ok with things now, but I am not sure that I will ever stop missing him.

I continued to drive until I got to where it started to rain. a young
gentalman in a honda with the big ole exaust decided to drive right next to
me making all kinds of noise (ya I know like I can talk) so I decided to
accelarate a little and get where it wasn't droning in my ear, well I think
he took it as a challange and also accelrated... I wonder how it feels to
have a 30 year old datsun that is at least 3 colors drive away from you like
you are going in reverse.. well I can tell you that he knows what it feels
like now..

I made it to alma school and chandler (near where I was living before) so
I thought that I would call Jim my old roomie and see what he was up to.
when he answered I asked if he would like to enjoy the monsoon with me. he
said that sounded ok.. (normal jim fasion) so I got to his place and we hung
out at the pool (I put my feet in which felt really good) I asked him how
work was, and he started to unload what I am sure he had been holding in for
a long time about things going on at work.. it was actually pretty
intresting to me. about an hour passed, the wind kicked up it rained a
little and we just sat and talked by the pool side. Croozer looked at us
like we were nuts sitting in the rain. people that don't live here don't
understand how enjoable monssons can be. all except for the humidity
afterwards.

I called the monster as I was leaving, he said he was up at his parents
house and was headed south and would call me after a while I offered coffee
he said he would call me later...

as I mentioned in the beggning of this post I was listening to music when I
decided to write this. after I left jims I made my way up towards mill
again, stopping to get gas. I drove down mill a couple times before deciding
to stop. I just got a iced tea and got back in the car drove both ends of
mill again and headed home.. I stopped and tinkered on the wagon a little
think I found another one of my issues with the car.. seems a little better
now..

I got home opened the door, and heard joe call from the kitchen.. "Welcome
home.." as I walked into the kitchen he said, "how was your day dear, would
you like me to make you some supper?" Obviously he laughed after this, and
so did I, he joked about it after that. But I believe that people say things
for a reason, even if it is in jest, I think there is a little meaning
behind it.. just one oy my opinions..

The monster called about 11 and said he was out watching the lightning,
totally understandable, I wish he would have called I would have really
enjoyed that I think... not to big of a deal though, I might have needed the alone time now that I think about it.

As I finish this I am listning to a song called force of gravity.. and the line that just played was "do you cry your eyes to sleep?"

I wonder what the future holds for me, I am pretty mellow at the moment, but in the last hour or so had some pretty strong feelings that I can't really explaine, just kinda hit me like a huge wave, brought tears to my eyes. in some strange way it felt good.. to cry.. I pulled off the freeway and collected myself and kinda felt better about things. it was kinda like my body was telling me that I needed to take some time to be vunerable and let the things that bother me out... and it just finally took charge...

*sigh* maybe I need to go for a drive??
wish I had music in the car.. soon...