Life

laying in bed thinking about life. Today was a really good day, no
stress, very mellow. Just a good day.

thinking about all the good things in my life, both now and in the
past. Thinking about all the things I am thankful for, about how lucky
I am to have the things I do and to have the people I do in my life.

THIS is how life should be I think. It doesn't have to be
spectacular to be happy. Just need to keep all the positives in the
front of the mind. Remembering that life is about the experience and
we should take every moment like that, as if it is a gift, because it
is.

I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to let this day go for
fear that I may not have another. But then again, maybe this is the
first day in a chain of wonderful days. I know that is what I hope for
and desire.

Here is to hoping the good days out number the bad for the rest of my
days.

lost

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,
I need to grow up, don't think I can.

Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life, I've lived a lie.

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they'res just a hole.
Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.

Lost in a straight world, and I am gay,
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.
There's a lot in life I need to achieve.

cold case song

watching cold case while am on the couch feeling like I am dieing... and I hear this song at the end of the eppisode. thought I would put it down here.


Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe We're in heaven.

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

Now, nothing could change what you mean to me.
There's a lot that I could say But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way.

Baby you're all that I want.
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

Now our dreams are coming true.
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you.

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart.
It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven.

A time and place for everything

I have thought for a long time that there is a place for everything and everyone in this world, I have also believed that things happen for a reason when they do happen. The unfortunate part of this is that we do not always have much say in what place we have in the world, or the timing of things that happen. Of course there is some control, but on several levels we don't get to choose our place in the world, or what purpose we serve. I do believe that everyone does serve a purpose in the world, and each time someone denies that the whole world suffers just a little bit. The reason I started down this line of thinking is due to the fact that I have been doing alot of thinking about what it is that is my purpose in the world, and how I could better support that purpose.

What I have come up with so far is that my purpose is to make the lives of those people who enter my a little bit better when they need it most. When there seems to be nothing positive in their lives, it is my ability and duty to step in and offer a ray of hope, it may be very small, it may be something unnoticeable. but just enough for for those people to know they are not alone, that at least one person cares about their thoughts and ideas, about the things that they care about most. Lately, I think that I may have not been as on my game as I have been in the past, but I am working very hard to get back to where I can be proud of this.

when I started writing this, i thought that I would get into the how's and the why's that I think this happens, and also the down sides for me as a person. now after thinking about it, I think that I should leave it at this, a positive message to remind myself that I do have a purpose, and my place in the world. That the people in my life may actually get much more out of it than I give it credit for.

Its so hard for me to write things like this. It reminds me that I am often a fool, trusting where I should not, giving where I should not. but firmly believeing that someday... someday it will all be much more clear. All the dots will be connected and I will be able to see the whole picture.

I can hope, and noone can take that away from me except me...
-D

finantial stress

With all that is going on in the world, I am stressed out about my financial situation. I have always been good at "getting by" and making ends meet. I really want more than that thought. I want to feel like I am planning for the future, and have a plan. I don't and that has me worried.

What the right answer is for my situation I don't know. I do know that its time to make a change, and that I should prolly make a list and come up with some ideas. I just don't know right now.

I voted today.

well today I did it, I voted for the first time in my life. I finally feel like I need to contribute to the greater good to do my part and be part of the future of the world...

Halloween....

So I was a little out of character and actually came up with a Halloween costume this year. I then proceeded to go to a co-workers costume party. I ended up being WAY over dressed, but that's ok. I think that they were rather shocked to see me dressed like that. I think I will call the costume either "boy" or freak on a leash.

After the party, I met some friends at charlies for their costume party thing. I felt uncomfortable most of the time I was there. I have done some thinking about this, and I think I intimidated people more than anything else. I guess its prolly hard to approach a 6'7" guy with a blue fo-hawk dressed in full leather bondage gear. At the time thought, I really felt like I stuck out. I am pretty sure it was mostly in my head though.

Over all the night ended up pretty good. I ended the vening and loren's house. hung out with him and cam, passing out on the couch in the living room. I think I would like to dress up again, and try it in a bar where it is more accepted and see what happens.