last night

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D

up late

up late, lot on my mind tonight, spent an hour or so writing it down, I am not sure weather it helped or not, then a house eppisode makes me cry, perhas I can let enough out to ware me out.. The odd thing is that over all I am really happy.

at least I have another day off :)

Just happy

Tonight I write, and I am happy. Just happy. I have had so many wonderful things that have happened recently both in my personal life and in my work life. Simple choices, choosing a direction and just pressing forward. Each step is a step closer to a better tomorrow. I am happy with where I am going, and almost happy with who I am as a person. Few more things that I need to work on, but I see a future, and better yet a very happy future, where I smile and enjoy the little things.

it takes such a small change to make a difference, a choice, some kind words, lending a helping hand, even a smile. yesterday, the smell of freshly washed bedding made me smile. Today, I changed my voice mail message so it didn't sound... well so it didn't sound so depressing. LOL

I had a long talk with a friend, that also gave me hope for the future. I am letting the emotion come, and dealing with it when it comes, but for the most part, letting the bad go and holding on to every good moment. It feels good to smile, and I want to keep it up.

I feel the warmth and the happiness again. That means more to me, than anything else.

So many Downer posts.

I was just brousing through my posts, and realized.. I have to many painful hurt posts. I think I need to really work on posting more when I am happy. Like today... Today, I cried, but I am happy. Sometimes I work so hard to help the people I care about be happy, and now, I am happy to hear that someone I care about is happy and again enjoying their life.

In Life it is SO hard to keep in mind all the good things that have happened to us, it seems so easy to be hurt and remember only that. To feel the horrible feeling over and over agian. I have never really understood it, but it seem it happens to many people. I don't want to be one of those people. By nature I am... or at least I used to be optimistic about everything, finding happieness in the stupitest little thing.

I have found myself in a place where I have changed the basic parts of who I am, for reasons that I do not think are good ones. After making so many mistakes it seems so easy to stand at this place in my journey through life and think. "I am no good at this at all."

This week I have made a commitment to myself. I am going to do my very best to move forward from here, Concentrate on those parts of my life that need work, and one step at a time I am going to focus on making each day of my life a little better than the last.

Eventually I think that I could actually get to a point where I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I have done a good job fixing the broken pieces, and am happy with the direction I am now going." Putting so many things off, relying on to many people for things that I should be dealing with myself. It has been time to set a stake in the ground and say.. HERE... This is as far as I go, I am ready to start climbing out of this hole that I have put myself in.

I know, that I have started this before, and I have repaired some of the really broken stuff. Its time to figure out a way to keep on this track. To make it out of the hole and start back on the journey of life.

Passing thought

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Life and its timing

SO it seems that once again, life has interesting timing. Not more than 12 hours after I finally make the apointment for the Tattoo I have wanted for a long time now... I am reminded in full technicolor and Right in my face, what it means, and why I am getting it.

its his time agian, not forever, but for now, its time for him to play his role and to keep me protected and out from under the things that want to crush me. I know that I will live, that I will move past the part.

Things made more difficult for no good reason, make me sad.