ok so here it is

I have made changes to the blog to allow me to still use blogger's site. but it means that you will be redirected to a different site if you click on any links. This seems like the easiest solution to the issue. I apologize for any pain this may cause.

Oh ya, if you subscribe to a RSS feed then you will need to up date to the one that is on the page now.

thanks
-D

Thank you blogger.com

So this site may go down here in the near future. Blogger has decided to stop supporting FTP posting, and the alternative they have offered is not acceptable to me. I have a couple ideas as to how I can fix the situation, but its going to take alot of code that I don't have the time to write right now, but time will tell. I don't even know if anyone even reads this thing, so prolly no big loss lol

just thought I would share.

Simpely being loved

Listening to a dance song, its title "Simply Being Loved" thought about about that for a minute, as I was listening. seems simple. Being loved.... So many people... myself included... find it such a difficult thing. To be loved that is. I have spent many hours thinking about the how's and why's that is the case, I seem to always come back to I just don't know.



Its not that I have never felt that I have been loved, because I have. Maybe its a self worth thing, maybe its just because of how I see my self, maybe it has to do with experiences I have had in my childhood.



I wonder how many other people in the world also feel the way I do, either consciously or unconsciously. my bet is far more than one might think at the surface of the thought.



The simple feeling of being loved. Are we afraid of the hurt that may come if that love were to go away? Logically I can think about it and know that it is part of the process. that has never made it any easier. As humans we seem intent on hurting each other mentally or physically in order to make ourselves feel somehow better, bigger, stronger.



Sad, how much better the world could be if everyone took that same energy and used it to help others, to make them feel better about themselves, to encourage them. Many times I have wished that I did not have thoughts like this. Seems like it would be so much easier to go through life with no thoughts or feelings of my own.



It does not take much for me to feel the pain that someone goes through, to picture how they see the world, how they feel about the things that surround them. Sometimes it is very much a blessing, more and more lately... it is really hard to see, and feel what people go through on a day to day basis, and not try and think of some way I can make it better. Just one person, and I can't save the world. That does not mean that I don't want to, that I don't want to make things better for everyone, especially those I care the most about.



" So little time so little time to work it on out, I feel I'm stumbling in the dark. I praying for love, love love.. is more than enough.. simply being loved loved loved, is more than enough"



I think I would have to agree.....

-D

last night

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D

up late

up late, lot on my mind tonight, spent an hour or so writing it down, I am not sure weather it helped or not, then a house eppisode makes me cry, perhas I can let enough out to ware me out.. The odd thing is that over all I am really happy.

at least I have another day off :)

Just happy

Tonight I write, and I am happy. Just happy. I have had so many wonderful things that have happened recently both in my personal life and in my work life. Simple choices, choosing a direction and just pressing forward. Each step is a step closer to a better tomorrow. I am happy with where I am going, and almost happy with who I am as a person. Few more things that I need to work on, but I see a future, and better yet a very happy future, where I smile and enjoy the little things.

it takes such a small change to make a difference, a choice, some kind words, lending a helping hand, even a smile. yesterday, the smell of freshly washed bedding made me smile. Today, I changed my voice mail message so it didn't sound... well so it didn't sound so depressing. LOL

I had a long talk with a friend, that also gave me hope for the future. I am letting the emotion come, and dealing with it when it comes, but for the most part, letting the bad go and holding on to every good moment. It feels good to smile, and I want to keep it up.

I feel the warmth and the happiness again. That means more to me, than anything else.